Friendship at Every Stage

Friends are such a gift. I am so thankful that God placed us in community and gave us people to walk through life with. I have learned a great deal from the different friends God has given me at various stages of life; things like kindness, listening, gift giving, the joy of watching others succeed, how to encourage others. I have had/do have friends in my life who have demonstrated these things to me and taught me how to be a good friend.

This week, I had dinner with two friends from childhood. I remember playing house and Barbies and dress-ups with them. Sleepovers and birthdays and lots of little girl giggles.

Our friendship has lasted decades. We’ve seen each other through hard times and life changing decisions. Babies and houses and moves and job changes. We have a familiarity because of the years of memories accumulated with each other. I am so grateful for their friendship and encouragement and the fact that time and distance has not taken anything away.

While we often think of friends as being a staple of childhood, adults need friends too! I’ve had several conversations with people lately about the difficulty of making friends as we get older, and to some extent I think that’s true. We become more self conscious, maybe more particular, busier, stuck in our habits. But with all the obstacles, I believe having friends is an important part of life.

Even after all the times I’ve read through Proverbs, I’m still surprised at the number of friend passages. Many of these are warnings to choose the right type of friend, which proves how influential people are in our lives. But we also have verses like:

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Prov. 27:17

Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. Prov. 27:9

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Prov. 17:17

A biblical friend isn’t just someone to have a good time with but is someone who strengths you, who builds you up and offers encouragement. And we never outgrow our need to be encouraged to stand strong in the truth of the Gospel!

This month, I will enter the decade that used to be called “Over the Hill” and I still feel the need for good friends. On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve been having conversations with my kids about their friendships. About playing nice with everyone and not excluding people from games of tag to preteen hurt feelings when old friends start heading in a different direction.

There is always a risk, always a chance of getting feelings hurt or being misunderstood and left out. And as easy as it would be to say we outgrow our need and move beyond all that, it’s simply not true. If anything, as I’ve gotten older I’ve relied on my friends more for sound advice, encouragement when I’m disappointed, and help during trials.

As I go into another year, I’m more grateful for my friends than ever. The ways they help me, point me to truth, make me laugh, enjoy life, and celebrate life’s moments. My 40 years on earth wouldn’t be the same without the people God has brought into my life at times I needed them. And I will always be thankful.

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Sharing Our Burdens

I love to share and talk about so many different things. And, probably like you, I find myself talking about different things with different friends.

Motherhood and homeschooling dominate many of my conversations with many of my friends because we are in the trenches! Teaching, discipling, raising the children God has given us, and I need encouragement and advice from them. Other friends share creative hobby interests with me and we compare notes on flower gardens, books, and watercoloring.

It isn’t wrong to have specific topics and things that create a bond with a friend. It’s a healthy, helpful way to grow friendships and to grow ourselves as we learn and interact. But do you ever feel unable to talk about spiritual things with your friends? Does it embarrass you to ask for prayer? Do you struggle to bring a Bible reference into the context of a regular conversation?

I believe sometimes in our Christian lives, it becomes easy to compartmentalize and not view regular parts of our days as being spiritual. Is there really a Bible verse for everything? Well, no, not specifically. However, the Bible does give us verses and principles that are to be applied to every aspect of life.

For instance, when we don’t feel like folding another hamper of laundry, we can be reminded that, “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” {I Cor. 10:31} Or, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” {I Thess. 5:16-18} No, this doesn’t speak to folding laundry itself, but rather to the attitude we are to have in whatever we find ourselves doing.

How do we bring this back around to friends? I have found for myself that I can get so carried away in the topic of conversation that I only insert my “wisdom” rather than adding biblical wisdom. I let my opinions and thoughts direct the conversation more than what the Bible has to say about it. It’s not wrong to have an opinion about things but how do I view my opinion and how do I present it to others?

I’ve also found myself hesitant to ask for prayer or wisdom at certain times. It’s not that I don’t trust my friends for good advice; it’s more pride that I don’t want them to know what I’m struggling with. I have times when it’s easy to let me daily Bible reading slip. I shouldn’t be too embarrassed to text a friend and ask her to keep me accountable. Is one of my children struggling with rebellion? Asking a friend or family member to pray is a good idea.

God created us to live in community. He instituted marriage and family and church. He wants us to commune with one another, love one another, forgive one another, help one another. And ultimately, to serve God together. We do these things best when we are honest about our struggles, open about burdens, and when biblical wisdom flows easily from our lips.

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Friendship

I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it my entire life: I have wonderful friends.

Life is never without drama but for the majority of my life, I have experienced encouraging, uplifting, helpful friendships. And as I’ve gotten older, I feel the importance and value of treasuring the relationships I have. I am aware many of my peers have pain and heartache to look back on and as I walk with my pre-teen daughter {she’s told me the correct term is “tween”}, I’ve been reminded of how difficult friend transitions can be.

No matter what age we are, it’s difficult to begin again. To find people we click with, who get our sense of humor, who enjoy the same activities, who give us hard truth when we need it and listen when we grieve. True friends that will stand by you through laughter and heartache. That will build memories and forgive the disagreements.

I’ve also been astounded to realize how unlikely some of my friendships are. I don’t have cookiecutter friends; they have different strengths, talents, pet peeves, and struggles. And they are also not all like me. Some of my friends are not into reading {I know, gasp!}, one friend doesn’t like donuts or desserts with fruit in them, several of my friends are competitive {I’ll include a few in-laws here}, and one friend, in a truly mind-shattering moment in high school, thought she was being original in creating a football team called the Pittsburgh Steelers {face palm, for sure!}. I have friends talented in music, baking, decorating, art and all things creative.

My point is, part of the benefit of friendship is what we learn and teach and give each other. It doesn’t mean I have to give up donuts or never talk about books — because both of those sound impossible. But I can discover new things, like trying audiobooks or cooking a new recipe. I can encourage them with where they are while they cheer me on in my place of ministry.

My life is richer and fuller because of my friendships. They are worth every minute, every bit of energy I invest. I never take them for granted and I am truly grateful.

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The Blessing of Friendship

For all my introverted ways, I need friends.

I have had some incredible friends in my life and still do. I’ve had friendships that hurt and disappointed and didn’t last. But I’ve also had relationships that are still going strong decades later.

What is it about friends that is so vital? When we face things like the 2020 quarantine and forced isolation, why is it so hard, even for a person who would rather sit and read than party?

One essential piece is that God created us to need community. Have you considered the one another statements from the Bible? It’s impossible to live those out in solitude. We are to be encouraging and exhorting one another in the Lord. We also see in Proverbs that we can sharpen each other through our friendships (27:17).

Friends allow us to remember and reflect on things from the past. I have friends who, with a simple statement they immediately know what I’m referencing, how I’m feeling, what I mean. They have cried tears of joy and sorrow with me. They have spoken hard truths when I needed to hear them and listened quietly when I needed to process my thoughts aloud.

In short, friends are a gift. And when we find ourselves suddenly dealing with the world without their support, we easily feel the void. My children love playdates and park picnics and any excuse to gather with friends. April of 2020 was the slowest month of their lives. When we finally arranged a videocall with some of their friends, the laughter and smiles from that 15 minute call lasted for hours. The gloom and frustration of the morning melted away with one conversation from their friends.

I have not always been a good friend. I’ve forgotten important dates, spoken too harshly, criticized when I should have listened. But I have patient friends who continue to care about me, forgive when it’s needed, rebuke when it’s necessary, point me to Christ always.

Friends are a blessing I don’t take for granted. Miles separate us and years continue to pass. We enter new phases of life and go though different trials. But I’m thankful for the people that are in my life, encouraging me and occasionally dragging me away from my stack of books.

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When Pain Isolates

On the whole, I’m a healthy individual.

I don’t have pressing, life threatening issues that add up to numerous doctor’s appointments. And I’m extremely thankful and don’t take that health for granted because it could be gone in a minute. 

The one thing I do struggle with is migraines. For about the last 20 years, I’ve continually dealt with headaches ranging from small throbs to extreme pain. With the passing of time, I seem to discover more things that trigger these migraines and they seem to occur with greater frequency.

One of the most difficult things for me to communicate to others is my pain. Because I’ve dealt with headaches for most of my life, I’ve learned to ‘tune out’ the smaller ones and carry on with life. That means I go to church, carry on conversations, keep playdates, basically live my schedule while being in pain. In one form or another - sometimes mild, sometimes nauseating - I get a headache four-five times a week. That’s my reality.

But I can’t let it stop my life, so I’ve learned when to push through and smile and nod and when I have to hole up alone. There are definitely times when I have to hide away in the dark bedroom with peppermint, a cold washcloth, and hot tea. But if I did that for every headache, I would never leave my house. 

However, it’s hard to describe this to others. I don’t like using headaches or migraines to ‘get out’ of things but there have been times when I haven’t been able to participate because the pain was too great. But I’ve also muscled through and gone to meetings while in pain because it was important and my headache wasn’t getting worse.

People have trouble understanding this. I guess headaches have become so commonplace for me that they have to be extremely bad to disrupt my life. But someone who doesn’t get headaches often can be completely floored with one.

I’m not minimizing anyone’s pain or saying I have the highest tolerance. What I’m trying to say is that people who deal with chronic pain of any kind often struggle to know how to describe it and how to communicate how they live with it.

No one likes admitting weakness or the inability to do things. We want to look capable of carrying on with life and what is expected of us. But in dealing with daily pain, it often means having to show a vulnerability and admit that we aren’t strong enough. It also means having to choose what we can and cannot do.

Again, I’m not writing this to complain or make you feel bad about questioning a person dealing with pain. But we do need to be gracious with each other and realize that people are sometimes dealing with unseen pain. Personally, I don’t like walking into a room and declaring I have a migraine. I don’t feel it’s necessary for everyone to know. But if a friend asks if I’m hurting or says I look like I’m in pain, I will be honest and tell them. 

If you know someone who struggles with chronic pain, when they aren’t at an event, don’t pounce on them with a hundred questions on how they could miss XYZ. Simply inquire after their wellbeing and mention they were missed. If someone cancels lunch plans, don’t assume they have some dark purpose for avoiding you. It’s possible just getting out of bed that day was an ordeal. 

Consider I Peter 4:8-10a: Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another...

Have a quiet and gentle spirit, be ready to listen. Be gracious and patient with each other.

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The Right Time

Have you ever noticed that we operate in a ‘someday’ mentality?

In college we think ‘After I get married I’ll…’ After marriage we think ‘When I have a baby I’ll…’ With kids we say ‘Once they graduate I’ll…’ When work gets in the way we promise ‘When I retire I’ll…’

We are always looking for why our current stage of life keeps us from doing certain things and we are positive once we get things together in the future, we’ll be able to fulfill that dream, help in that ministry, catch up with that friend, etc.

The truth is, tomorrow isn’t promised to us, let alone the next 10 years. And we don’t know the difficulties or obstacles or challenges that the next stage might bring. If we are serious about a ministry or checking in with someone, we need to consider doing it now.

Of course, we can’t do everything, no matter how much we want to. But if we’re continually making excuses and turning it into a ‘someday promise,’ we should question how serious we are about doing it.

I remember when we first got married and were in a tiny apartment. Our kitchen/dining barely fit a table with four chairs and our living room wasn’t much bigger. Initially I thought ‘We’ll have people over once we get into a house’ but I knew we wouldn’t be buying a house anytime soon because we didn’t plan to live in that city for long. If we wanted to fellowship with those friends at that time, it would have to be in a crowded apartment in informal ways. But we did it and it worked. I hosted Bible study, a wedding shower for a friend, several different couples for meals. It might not have looked perfect or ideal but we jumped in and enjoyed what we had.

I’ve thought similar things about the child rearing stage. With babies or toddlers, it can be easier to not visit people, to not open your home, but there are many opportunities you miss out on! I haven’t always done this well and I’m still learning what I can do in this stage and what needs to wait, but I shouldn’t put everything off!

Part of living a life that glorifies God is to be a good steward of this life. That means asking God to show opportunities you can do now, today, this week, to encourage someone. Maybe you can text a Bible verse to a friend while holding a sleeping baby. Maybe you double your bread recipe and drop the extra loaf at a neighbor’s house. Maybe it’s committing to help in one church program this year.

My challenge to you is to find one thing. Pray and ask God to lay on your heart one area that you can help someone in and then follow through. I think you’ll be surprised how little efforts build to great things and that often, the right time is right in front of us.

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Hospitality in a Socially Distanced World

One of the strange things about this whole quarantine thing is how it changed relationships.

As a pastor’s family, we would regularly have people into our home for dinner, brunch, chats, playdates, and parties. We have always viewed our home as a part of our ministry and since March, it’s been difficult to use it as such.

We realize that different people are comfortable with different things; we have friends who wear masks all the time, who take six feet of distance seriously, and we also have friends who don’t mind a quick hug and maskless visits. Tommy and I have talked about how we go forward, respecting the boundaries and feelings of others while still showing hospitality and concern.

And we’ve come to the conclusion that it all comes down to grace. We step forward and ask if they would be comfortable coming to our home. And if they say no, we graciously accept it and move on. As humans, we have a tendency to take things personally. A no for any reason is viewed as some kind of personal rejection. But in this time of pandemic, we can’t take affront at others choices. We need to be gracious and caring.

The true gift of being hospitable is that it isn’t about the person showing hospitality. It’s about the person receiving it. Just like gift giving, if we give gifts because we want to be praised or loved or seen, the value of the gift is diminished. Instead, we give gifts to show love, appreciation, and because we enjoy helping others. We have people to our homes for the same reasons; not because we want recognition for how amazing we are but because we want to demonstrate care and love for those invited.

The difficulty comes now. How do you show hospitality when you aren’t comfortable opening your home? Or when those you invite politely decline for social distancing. Or maybe your state has limited what you are allowed to do. Does hospitality cease in the times of COVID? I hope not. In fact, I believe hospitality is important now more than ever.

We feel disconnected, lonely, absent from each other lives. Studies have shown depression is on the rise as events are cancelled, visits postponed, vacations impossible, and people confined to their home. We need to share hope and love and encouragement in Christ like never before. And that might mean how we show hospitality looks a little different now. Here are some ideas to encourage others when faced with isolation.

1. Send notes. I love getting mail, even a postcard, and I know other people do to. It takes a little effort to write and stamp and address and mail a letter but the encouragement is just as heartfelt. My kids loved drawing pictures that we sent to some elderly people from church to brighten their day.

2. Call or text. I have friends who regularly check up on me via technology. We text Bible verses, prayer requests, give life updates on Marco Polo and Messenger, send GIFs. It’s all about letting people know we think and care about them.

3. Socially Distanced coffee. If the weather is still nice, meet at a park or outdoor restaurant for a quick catch up.

4. Drop off treats. Put tasty treats, candle, lotion, etc. in a gift bag and leave it on someone’s front porch. Or wrap up homemade bread or cookies and deliver it. Even if you don’t see their smiling faces of gratitude, the gesture will be appreciated.

It might require thinking outside the box of what we consider being hospitable but really, it’s the thought, the time, the action that makes the difference. Hospitality doesn’t have to be having people into our homes. It is anything we do for others. And we can still be thoughtful even with the wild ride that 2020 has been.

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Friendship for Others

As a society, we've come up with labels for everything. Personality traits, groups, clubs, hobbies. In a few words we can sum up for people 'who we are,' or at least we try to. 

One label I've struggled with for myself is introvert vs extrovert. As a child, I would have said extrovert. I loved people, friends, going places. But as I got older and some circumstances in my life changed, I found myself more driven to be alone. I still liked being with friends but I also craved quiet moments to myself. 

Being a mother only amplified my need to be alone. But I found when I would get a day or weekend to myself, I missed the questions, laughter, and needs of my children. And if I go without spending time with friends, I crave time with them. 

I love people. But sometimes I really want to be alone. 

Quarantine taught me a lot. Namely that I need people but also that people need me. 

Now before you label me as a narcissist, I don't say people need me to build myself up. But rather as a reminder that the relationships we have aren't just about us and our needs. 

I found during quarantine that I would think of a friend and shoot a quick text, something like 'Thinking of you today.' And I would get a lengthy reply about how they needed prayer, how they were struggling and thankful I had reached out. Over Zoom and text and messenger, I was reminded of the importance of community and the effect we can have on others, even if we aren't needing it in the same way. 

God reminds us continuously in the Bible that we need other people, specifically other Christians. We build each other up, hold each other accountable, encourage and teach each other. We are commanded to gather together. Christians are not supposed to be islands, standing alone against the odds. We need others and they need us. 

I Corinthians 12:12-26 tells us that we are like members of a body. We can't all be eyes or who would hear? If we were all feet, how would we breathe? We all have gifts and talents that are most effective when paired with others abilities. And usually we have to be with people to work together most effectively.

Sometimes it's hard for me to go to events. Meeting, talking, being with others instead of reading in front of the fire is not always the easy choice to make. But whenever I go, I don't regret it. I might come back to the house depleted of mental energy but I'm always encouraged in the Lord. It might not be my first choice, but it's a good choice, a necessary choice. 

Back to my original conundrum: I love people and going new places. I also have to talk myself into planning something that will get me out of the house. So, am I an introvert or an extrovert? It depends on the day. I won't label myself as either exclusively. Although it's hard to beat a book and hot tea.

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Rejoice in Others

Do you have a heard time hearing praise given to someone else?

It’s not something we readily admit because it sounds {and is} selfish. But still there is a part of us that maybe bristles a little when one friend talks about the virtues of another. “I do those same things,” we think, “and no one has told me how great I did. No one noticed when I went out of my way to serve.” And then we cringe at how incredibly selfish we are.

Our society is built on people who promote themselves. In this election year, we’ve had ample opportunity to see people talk about themselves, how they have the answers, how they are the best option. We also see this in celebrities, YouTube stars, athletes. If you want to get noticed, you have to sing your own praises.

But as Christians, there’s something that stops us {or it should} from blowing our own horn about how we serve others. Still, it doesn’t take away from that desire to be recognized. We might be tempted to think certain things aren’t worth doing if no one will notice it.

There’s a verse that always convicts me when I start having this mentality.

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

The driving force behind everything we do should not be to gain recognition or praise but to serve God. Are we doing certain things because of the comments we receive from people? Are we making certain decisions because we want the world to think well of us?

Pride is at the root of so many sins and it’s not something easily uprooted from our lives. We need to be vigilant, we need to be honest, and we need to have an attitude of repentance when we fail.

The family of God is so full of a variety of people with different talents and desires and abilities. We don’t need to compete for ways to serve God; we can find what he has gifted us in and pursue it for his glory. When people are recognized for a service well done, we need to come alongside them with appreciation for how they contribute to the ministry. It might be something we can’t do, something we actually have no desire to do. And yet, they did. And God used them.

We need to encourage each other. We need to grow in Christ together. We need to serve together. And God will use us in ways we couldn’t manage on our own.

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Learning from Regret

We all have things we look back on and wish were different. We regret saying or not saying something, being too busy for this person or ignoring that event. In the moment, our lives seem so busy and full and how could we possibly set it aside to make time for this other thing? We get in a heated debate and spill everything we’ve been thinking for years and walk away.

But then the moment passes. We realize how our words sounded or the unique opportunity we missed. And there are regrets. Because we are human and we aren’t perfect, we will make mistakes. And we will regret decisions we made or ignored. It’s not the regret itself to watch out for but rather what we do with it.

I’ve been regretting a lot recently. In May, a friend of mine passed away after a fight with cancer. It was a hard loss for many reasons but because of COVID, I had been unable to visit her the last few months of her life. We had set up a time but then got isolation orders. Over texts, I said as soon as it was safe, I wanted to see her. But she took a sudden turn and that safe time never came.

It’s difficult to not sort through in my mind all the times I could have seen her before March. We both had busy schedules and kids but surely there was an afternoon I could have texted and dropped by. Regret is a heavy burden to carry.

The truth in regret is that no matter what we do, we can’t change what’s already happened. We can apologize for words spoken hastily but they will always have been said. We can mentally rearrange past appointments to see how we could have made room for all that we missed but it doesn’t change the fact that we missed it. The moment is over.

But regret can teach us to make different decisions in the future and not repeat the mistakes of the past. If we know certain topics trigger anger and we have trouble communicating on those issues in a kind way, it may be best to step away from those conversations until we calm down. If someone pops in our mind, take a moment to text or call them. If we know we’ll be close to a friend’s neighborhood for other errands, call before and ask they’ll be home for a quick stop. Leave a note, cookies, flowers….

The older I get the more I realize relationships take effort but they are so valuable. Even for an introvert like myself, I love hearing how my friends are doing, how I can pray for them. I enjoy sending notes and special treats just because they were on my mind and I wanted to encourage them. Yes, all this takes time. Yes, it takes effort and planning. But I have never regretted doing it. And it often encourages me just as much as the person I was reaching out to.

I know there will always be regrets on this side of heaven. But I want to intentionally try to lessen them. I want to learn to make time and reach out and watch my comments. I want to seize the time I’ve been given and make it count in the lives of others.

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Who Do You Pray For?

The last month has taught me something important: there is always something or someone I can pray for.

With social distance meaning I can’t meet with friends and ladies from church, I’ve resorted — like so many others — to keeping in touch electronically. Texting, Zoom meetings, Marco Polo, email, Facetime, and Messenger have all become part of my daily, regular schedule. Even my children have been catching up with friends and family and doing piano lessons online. It’s strange but I’m thankful we have the option and availability to check in and catch up, even while staying home.

Without fail, as I chat with others, I ask how they are doing and what I can pray for. Those are questions that should be part of our regular dialogue with friends and family but somehow, in the midst of parties, fellowships, playdates, and gatherings, those are often the questions left unsaid while we instead talk about the movies we’ve seen, the deals we’ve found, the crazy lives we lead. And usually when we do ask friends how they are, we anticipate the standard, “I’m fine,” or “Doing great” and we’re happy to leave it at face value and not pry too much.

But there’s something about not being face to face that makes me crave real connection. Not that other interactions are pointless but there’s only so much you can talk about when people haven’t left their houses in a month!! And after every text, every message, I stop and pray for that person, for whatever peace or strength or grace they need.

And I didn’t always do that. I was usually running somewhere or sending a brief message between household tasks. And, I thought, “I’ll catch up with them on Sunday.” But during the last month, those Sundays and Bible studies and Awana nights haven’t happened and to stay in touch with friends, I’ve had to get creative. With short communications the only way to connect with people and with the stay at home orders cancelling any and all reasons I have to leave the house, I’ve found myself thinking about my friends more and praying for them.

One of the great realities in this quarantine is that some of my struggles are probably similar to what my friends and family are struggling with. Feeling boxed in? Fear/anxiety of the unknown? Frustration over cancelled plans? Weary of kids complaining? Craving a few minutes to myself? Yep, as I chat with my friends, these are very real hardships for all of us. So where before someone would come to mind and I’d think, “I don’t know what she needs, I’ll ask her on Sunday,” now I think, “She’s at home with her kids, she’s unable to follow her regular routine, she’s trying to figure out working from home…I think I know what to pray for.”

You see, before it was almost like I was afraid of ‘wasting’ a prayer on someone who might not need it. Which is a crazy idea!! God knows what every individual needs, even if I don’t, and He will meet those needs, even if I don’t know what to specifically pray about. My part is to faithfully, humbly come before Him and bring my praise and requests. Even if it’s the simple, “Be with her today.”

I’ve also realized during this month that there are people I should be praying for regularly that somehow slip by my mind unless I know a certain request they’ve mentioned to me. Have you ever noticed it’s easy to consistently pray for the same things and people? Almost like you put your prayer life on auto pilot. But quarantine has brought so many people to mind that I realize I don’t always pray for or maybe I do sporadically.

To help myself, I made a list to keep by my Bible and I’ve also restarted the practice of praying through our church directory. Below is a printable of people — general, not specific — I’ve been burdened and reminded to keep in my prayers. If you would benefit from such a list, please feel free to download and print it. I also wrote a few things you might pray for under each group, just in case you don’t know where to start. Pray these things for others and yourself.

One of my constant prayers through all this is that we would come out the other side of quarantine grateful, thankful, loving, compassionate people.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash.

Ministering in Different Ways

Recently I was talking with someone about a new ministry she was getting involved with. As she spoke about the overwhelming needs, the blessings she received from her work, and the struggles God helped her overcome, I couldn't help but feel a little jealous. And guilty.

You see, the thing she was so passionate about was nowhere on my list of desires or interests to look up. I watched her eyes get teary talking about the needs and how she was spending every chance she had to meet some of those needs. I just nodded.

I was very excited for her. The ministry really is a great one. But it was hard for me to latch on with the same enthusiasm or say I’d ever thought about it before. My passion and ministry interests were focused on other things. And I felt bad I hadn’t contributed but I still didn’t feel a huge pull to do what she was doing. Was I being a bad Christian?

So then I started thinking how I could join up with what she was doing. What would need to change in my daily life? How much time and energy would it take? Would it benefit my family or make things more stressful in this season of life? The more I thought on it, the more I realized I wasn’t pursuing it with the right attitude. Yes, I knew it was a good cause but I was thinking of getting involved just to say, “I’m doing this.” There was no heart of service behind my actions. My motives were completely off.

Maybe it’s because in this age of social media everyone can post everything that means something to her, but I feel inundated with things that are good things but I will never have the time or financial resources to pour into. And sometimes without meaning to, our well intentioned friends can make the opportunities sound like we should have been involved for years and if we don’t support this one thing, the world will call Christians hypocrites.

It’s a lot of pressure for one person to give all her energy to every cause. I know it’s not possible. And yet, when I hear a friend telling me about her experience, something twinges and makes me wonder why I’ve never gotten involved with such a noble cause.

It’s taken me awhile but I’ve discovered that for many things the greatest thing I can do seems like something small but it’s still profitable. If I can’t support an organization with money, I can pray God will provide for them. If I can’t visit a missionary, I can send them an email or letter of encouragement. If I can’t take in a foster child, I can make a meal for a family who does. If I can’t sit at the hospital while a child undergoes a procedure, I can pray for the doctors and for the family.

You see, getting involved in something good doesn’t always mean we are front and center. It doesn’t mean serving in only the glamorous, seen ways. The behind the scenes prayerful moments are just as noticed by God. And even if the cause isn’t my passion project, I can take a few minutes a day to pray for those on the front lines.

I’m afraid sometimes we think unless someone knows we are serving and doing good it doesn’t matter. So prayer, writing letters, sending a gift card. Those are unknowns and not as helpful. But sometimes, it’s all we can do. And it is those little steps that teach us the most and show the extent of our trust in what God can do in spite of us.

I’m reminded of I Corinthians 12. The entire chapter talks about spiritual gifts and how many members make up the body of Christ. We each have a function or ministry. It doesn’t mean we can’t be excited about the ministry of another, but it does mean we don’t need to be involved in everything possible or feel pressured to do something just because someone else loves doing it.

But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body. {I Cor. 12:18-20}

Allow humility to lead your service. If your friend asks if you want to join the cause but you’re already stretched with family and ministry, don’t be afraid to say, “I’ll pray for you.” And don’t feel guilty if God has called you and given you opportunities in a different direction. We don’t all serve in the same way. But it is all service.

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Admitting Struggles

It’s easy to look like everything is okay.

We do it all the time. We go to parties and lunch with friends but internally we’re weary. There’s a medical problem, a family issue, we’re worn out moms trying to disciple our children, we’re facing trials at work or strife with a coworker. We have weights pressing on us that no one can see. But we can’t admit them. No one wants to hear about our issues — our friends probably have perfect lives. Maybe it’s our pride, our unwillingness to let people know we need a shoulder to cry on. We might fear they will think less of us or laugh because our problem is so small. So we smile and laugh and answer, “I’m fine.”

So where do we fit in? There is a responsibility on both sides of the equation. First, be willing to listen. If you ask someone how things are going, if she’s struggling, or in need of anything, be willing to slow your own pace down and actually listen. I’ve found when people believe we’re in a hurry or busy they purposely choose to smile and say, “I’m fine” and let us continue on. They don’t want to stand in the way of whatever important thing we are heading to. So we miss the opportunity and they continue to shoulder the burden they desperately want help with.

Second, if we are the one struggling and a friend offers a shoulder and a chance to confide, we need to put away our pride and talk. Forget the pressure of looking perfect or having it all together. We are given friends because we aren’t meant to walk alone. There is no shame in admitting we need prayer or wisdom or just the opportunity to explain a hard situation. We might not come away with all the answers but we won’t be lying under the weight of it alone. {I Thess. 5:11}

Third, we have a Heavenly Father who already knows we need help and is ready to supply our needs. He listens when we cry out to Him and He hears the brokenhearted {Psalm 77:1}. I believe we sometimes think since God knows our thoughts and struggles there’s no reason to pray to Him about them. But He wants us to seek Him — actively, purposefully, intentionally.

Think on these words from Psalm 94:18-19 — When I thought, "My foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

Will you bring your trials and heartaches to God today? Will you approach a friend with a clear intention of listening to whatever she shares?

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Making an Impact

I've been thinking of the word impact lately. Particularly how we impact those around us. My daughter recently finished a book about various Christian women who did amazing things. One that caught her attention was Joni Eareckson Tada. 

In case you're unfamiliar with the story, when Joni was 17 she dove into a river, hitting the bottom with her head and paralyzing her from the neck down. After battling depression and questioning God's goodness, Joni came to believe God could still use her, even from a wheelchair. She started a radio program, founded a ministry for people with disabilities, learned to paint with a brush in her mouth, and wrote books about her accident. She still speaks at events, sharing God's love and grace in the midst of tragedy.

My daughter was filled with questions after reading about this remarkable woman. She also retold and shared the story with multiple friends. Joni's life and testimony are impacting my daughter, making her consider God's goodness in hard times, and revealing it is possible to rejoice when life isn't what we expect.

Another person we have been discussing recently is Ron Hamilton. My kids have become big fans of Patch the Pirate music adventures, listening to the stories and songs daily. On one recording, Patch (Ron) explained to the kids that he had cancer in his one eye and the doctor had to remove it. He started wearing a patch and people joked he looked like a pirate. He began to write songs and record stories that taught kids biblical principles and Patch the Pirate was started. I knew all this from listening in my own childhood but my daughter eagerly found me and told the whole story.

These two people have never met my daughter and they probably won't this side of heaven. But they are impacting her, living lives that point to Christ and encouraging her to keep trusting God, even if hard things happen. 

The world is full of so many 'role models' living for the things of this world. Our children need good, faithful examples to follow. And there are so many people throughout history that we can learn from.

But don't discount yourself. Maybe you don't have children or grandchildren. You can still impact those around by reaching out, getting to know others, and getting involved in their lives. I remember lessons from Sunday School teachers and Awana leaders from 25 years ago. Just step up and allow God to use you.

As a parent, I'm so thankful when other godly people take interest in my kids and model biblical living. It shows my kids I'm not the only one saying, 'Obey your parents' or 'Love the Lord' or 'Don't complain but rejoice'. And our whole family benefits from the love and kindness of a godly example.

You don't have to have a huge platform or social media presence to make an impact. Start in your own home and reach out to those around you. Ask God to put people in your path that need encouragement and then don't be afraid when he answers.

We might never know the influence we have on others but that’s not the point. We need to simply be willing to be examples and be used of God and leave the rest to Him.

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The Lost Art of Listening

I was listening to a podcast a few weeks ago and the interviewee said she had been convicted to listen to what others were really saying instead of hearing what she wanted to respond to.

That really got me thinking. How often do I ‘listen’ to what others are telling me but my mind is actually focused on all the things I'm going to say once they stop talking? We've all had moments that run like this: ‘Oh, they're talking about hiking. I can tell them about the time I went to so-and-so and hiked that steep trail. It was definitely worse than anything they are describing.’ And in the process of thinking about and framing our story, we completely miss what the other person was communicating.

When we are busy formulating how we want to respond before the person has even finished, we are making ourselves more important then anything the other person could be telling us. But when we really listen to others and our aim is to help them, sometimes we don't need to say anything. Sometimes the person that is sharing with us merely needs to share. She doesn't need to hear a lesson based on our experience. She doesn't need to know that we are experts in what she is going through. Often people need a sounding board or they just need to know that someone is there and that you will be praying and that you are willing to listen.

In James 1:19, it says, 'Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.' We seem to use this verse more in terms of not responding in anger. If we are slow to anger and slow to speak, we are less likely to say something out of anger. But I think that we cannot discount the part of the verse that says to be quick to hear. We are becoming a society that does not like to listen to others. We prefer to listen to ourselves, to our own ideas, to our own thoughts. And yet James tells us in that verse we need to be quick — even eager — to listen to what others have to say and we should be slow and thoughtful in the response that we give.

Truly listening to someone not only takes practice; it also takes time. I admit sometimes I'm trying to hurry a conversation along by finishing sentences and summing up in my words what I believe the other person is trying to say. We think we are aiding the conversation but in reality, we are being selfish by not letting the person we are speaking to completely explain himself. There is an epidemic in our society of people hearing what they want to hear or what they expect someone to say in order to prove their point or their point of view. We see this constantly in the political landscape.

But as Christians we should hold ourselves to a higher standard. Jesus demonstrated compassion to those he ministered to and we do not know how to be compassionate and what a person's needs are if we are not first willing to sit next to her and listen to her needs. Sometimes we think listening must equal doing. If we hear of someone's problem, we are obligated to try and fix it. We need to become comfortable with hearing people's opinions, thoughts, and hurts, and not always trying to fix them. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is offer an ear to listen without commentary and a shoulder for them to lean on when they need it and prayers that God will give them wisdom where others are lacking. It really is selfish and arrogant of us to believe we always must be dispensing of our wisdom.

This does not mean that we can never offer advice or that we should always stay silent in the face of others opinions. But we should strive to be more discerning in when and how our advice and opinion is handed out. If we become known as someone who loves to hear our own voice or who enjoys giving advice more than listening, then we will soon not have anyone come to us. Think about your own life. If you have someone that you go to hoping for a listening ear about a struggle and encouragement in prayer with you and instead she talks about how she has successfully navigated that issue and doesn't hear your concerns at all, how likely are you to go to her again? In this situation, we have limited who we can support and encourage by our attitude and lack of concern.

There is a time for everything. There is a time to give advice and there is a time to be silent. A time for us to share our experiences and a time for us to learn from others. We need to be discerning and gracious in how we handle each of these situations and in all things, they must be done and covered in love and prayer.

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The Necessity of Fellowship

Have you ever found Sunday the most difficult morning to get out of bed? As a family, we try to make Saturday nights low key and laid back so we can prepare for the next day. But somehow, even if everyone goes to bed early and sleeps well, the Sunday wake up call is hard to get up for. And in the midst of school, work, sports, busy schedules from all sides, the temptation to sleep in and miss church is a struggle.

“I’ll listen to a sermon podcast,” we say, “I’ll make it next week.”

But the truth is there will always be a reason or an excuse to miss fellowship with God’s people. And when we make a habit of it, we are missing out in several ways.

Full disclaimer: I am not just saying this as a pastor's wife.

The truth is the church is important not just because of what we learn from God's Word but because of the interactions we have with other believers. Part of what we gain by going to church is encouragement from other people. We also have the opportunity to be a blessing to others that would not have happened if we had stayed in our homes and listened to sermons online.

In all honesty there have been some Sundays where I have not felt like getting out of bed and going to church. I didn't force myself to church because I am a pastor's wife. I went because I realized I needed to go, maybe even more so on the days I didn't feel like it. We have six days a week that bombard us with the things of the world. Even if we spend time everyday in the Bible, in prayer, and utilizing resources online in the form of podcasts, sermons, etc, there is no substitute for gathering together with like-minded believers and building one another up in Christ.

When I hear people say they don't need a local church because they listen to ‘XYZ pastor,’ I'm sad for them and what they are missing out on by not having a regular group of people they can worship with. They often make the argument that they can worship anywhere and they choose to worship in their own homes, on their own terms. And while there is a time for us to worship in solitude, it should not be the norm if we wish to truly grow spiritually and seek to help others.

There is a time and a place for the benefits technology can give us. Those that physically are not able to leave their homes and participate in a local church are able to listen to podcasts and sermons and grow spiritually through them. But no matter how great the preacher or how wonderful the message, we should not allow these online moments to be our only interaction with fellow believers.

First Corinthians speaks of the church being like a body (I Corinthians 12:12-31). Each member has a specific talent and ability that cannot fully be used in isolation. The writer of the book of Hebrews instructs us to not forsake the assembling of ourselves together (Hebrews 10:25). Paul mentions often in his epistles that we are to be building each other up (I Thessalonians 5:14), forgiving others (Colossians 3:13), rejoicing with and encouraging those around us (Ephesians 4:15-16; Colossians 3:13).

The idea that we can get everything we need spiritually from an online sermon is selfish. We are promoting the convenience of staying home instead of getting out, going to church, and seeing how we can minister to those around us.

We should also remember that the Christian life is not meant to be a solitary endeavor. From Christ’s own example we see the importance of discipling others and, starting from the early church, we see the importance of gathering together. Think of the joy and unity we see in the church in Acts. For them gathering together was making a statement of who they were identifying with. In some cases it would have even been dangerous to be associated with Christians. But they craved the times together when they could leave worldly influences and come together in the bond of Christ. The same is true of the persecuted church throughout the world today. There are some who are willing to risk imprisonment, torture, or death because of the joy that comes from being with other Christians and worshipping our Lord.

Remember that we are in a spiritual battle. Satan must be delighted when we become Our Own Worst Enemy and choose to fight individually instead of coming together and fighting with other Christians. I've said jokingly to some that Satan must work overtime on Sunday mornings because that is the day the children want to sleep in, the day I am most tired, and the day 100 things seem to happen to keep me from fellowshipping with other believers.

God wants us to grow closer to him and part of this is done by rubbing shoulders with other believers who can help us, encourage us, and who we can turn around and invest ourselves in. There is a true beauty and joy that can only be experienced when we come together, gathering in unity to worship our Lord.

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Showing Grace When We Would Do It Differently

Imagine this scene. Two homeschool moms are talking about the curriculum choice they made for their children. The first mom says they really enjoy the curriculum they are using. The second mom is semi familiar with it but quickly states that that curriculum is far too expensive and there's no way she would pay that much for books when there are other less expensive options available.

The first mom fires back that it's not as expensive as the second mom thinks and the quality of the material and the convenience of the program make it the perfect choice for their family. As both women go back and forth about the pros and cons of their choices, both get more involved emotionally and neither of them change opinions.

Now I used the example of what they choose to teach with because it's a debate I've heard in homeschool circles. They could just as easily have been discussing homeschool vs regular school or what food they feed their family or whether or not they vaccinate or a 100 other choices we make for our families.

The simple truth is that for everything we decide to do, there is a flip side we're choosing not to do and it often comes down to personal preference, family size, what we've found works best for our lifestyle, etc. It doesn't automatically make the other choice wrong - that option just doesn't work for our family.

The sad thing is many a mom has left a conversation like this feeling run down, questioning her decisions, angry, frustrated, maybe feeling personally attacked. Some moms might quickly shrug off an encounter but she probably replays it in her head a few times and mentions it to her husband. Other moms might start to doubt the decisions they've made for their children, rethinking choices and losing sleep because of someone else's opinion.

The simple truth is that no one is perfect. We are all trying to raise our kids well, doing what we believe is best for them. But our decisions shouldn't be a mandate for others to follow. Do we make mistakes? Of course. Can we change our minds? Absolutely. God gave us children who are different from other children, he gave us abilities and interests different from other moms, personalities that are not cookie cutter. Why would we think there's one way to do things when our families operate differently?

Multiple times we as Christians are called to unity. We are called to build each other up, to strive to be like Jesus (I Thess. 5:11). If we are following God's Word and raising our children to follow after Him, the choices we make reflect those values. And a mom who raises her children differently but desiring the same goals is doing what's best for her family.

Now I want to point out something quickly. Obviously if a mom is making sinful choices for her children {like encouraging them to do something illegal, or something against the principles God has outlined in the Bible} we should lovingly confront her with the problem. But let’s be honest. Usually the discussions we have and debates we enter into are more things of choice and preference than biblical command.

We need to show grace to others in a very practical way. It's acknowledging that the decisions other moms make are okay, even if they differ from ours. It's listening to why she made those choices and not demanding she listen to our choices and change her mind. It’s loving others as God loves us (John 13:34; I Peter 4:8-9).

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When Others Weep

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.  Romans 12:15

Rejoicing and weeping. Opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. Yet in this verse they are given equal importance. It’s so easy for us to be happy for others. We celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, job promotions, good news of all sorts. I believe it’s the easier emotion because we like it. We want to be happy, joyful people and usually with the hoorahs and congratulations of life we know better what to say. Weeping is different.

When grief is involved we somehow feel tongue tied. If we haven’t experienced the loss or disappointment of our friend we aren’t sure if comfort is possible. What if we say the wrong thing? What if we make it worse? We so often are afraid of doing it wrong that we simply offer a pat on the back, maybe quote Psalm 23, and hope for the best. Or maybe we stumble for words so we feel better, so we can say we did something and it’s now up to the friend to use our advice.

The beauty and simplicity of Romans 12:15 is lost on us as we try to muddle through and decide what advice would be the most helpful and the least hurtful.

And while this verse is often used to remind us how to care for others, I’m afraid - like many passages - we don’t always return it to the context of the rest of the chapter. If we did we would find this smack in the middle of a whole paragraph of ways we are to live as Christians. In my Bible, verses 9-21 are labeled with the heading, “Marks of the True Christian.” And if we consider what these verses tell us I believe we’ll have a better grasp on how to fulfill verse 15. {For the sake of space I’ll condense the passage below but please take time to read the verses on your own.}

Verses 9-13 remind us to love others with genuine affection, honoring them and showing hospitality. Verses 14, 17-21 tell us to not seek revenge on those who persecute us or do wrong to us. We are to leave that to God. And verse 16 says we are to be humble and live in harmony with those around us. It is in the midst of all this that we find the command to rejoice and weep with others.

Notice that we are not told to offer advice or give approval for the rejoicing and weeping. We are simply to do it with others. And when put in context of what I mentioned above, we are to rejoice and weep while loving, honoring our neighbor, walking humbly and serving the Lord in our life, holding fast to what is good.

So when we have friends who are walking through a trial, sometimes the best help we can offer is simply to grieve with them. Cry, listen, pray. It’s not always necessary to offer words you hope will encourage. Recently several of my friends have gone through various hardships - sometimes with no end in sight - and I have found myself saying, “I don’t know what to say so I’m not going to say anything. Just know I’m here to listen and I’m praying.”

Have you grieved a loss recently? What is the most helpful thing someone has done to come alongside and weep with you?

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When We Reach Beyond

Most people that know me wouldn’t consider me an introvert. But I am. I’m not super confident. I usually think whatever I’m doing someone else could be doing better. I love reading and quiet and I sometimes need to get away by myself to recharge {and my husband graciously allows me to}.

The point is even though I’m a pastor’s wife, I struggle to walk up to others and strike up a conversation. Once I do muster my courage, I enjoy talking with and getting to know new people. It just takes a lot of deep breaths and pep talks.

As I chat with other women from our church, I hear many of them say they want to get to know other ladies but it’s hard for them too. Maybe they are introverts like myself. Maybe they struggle to know what topics to bring up. Maybe they are super outgoing and they don’t want to overwhelm someone.

We all have barriers that can make it difficult to reach out to those not in our already formed circle. Yet we know we should be reaching out. So how do we move beyond our comfort zone and engage with those around us? A few helpful ideas are:

Invite current friends and a new acquaintance over for coffee or a playdate if they have kids. This will take some of the pressure off of conversing one on one with a new friend and introduce them to others.

Write down what you talk about. I find this very helpful when I'm first meeting someone. After we chat, I write in a journal a few things I learned about them, what they enjoy, where they've been, etc. It gives me ideas of things to ask them about next time and keeps my memory fresh of what they've already told me. Of course, the better you know someone the more this becomes organic and natural.

Ask if they text. If they do, send a message on occasion to ask how they are, if they have prayer requests or anything special for the week. It's a small thing but it's a great way to stay connected.

My point is even the small things add up to friendship gradually. Getting to know someone new takes time and we shouldn't expect to be BFFs with anyone after one occasion. It takes effort, it takes time, but it is worth going out of our way to befriend and encourage someone.

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Ministering as an Introvert

(This was previously posted on acjeffcott.blogspot.com)

I remember when I was younger - I don't know how old I was but it was before high school - I heard my mom tell someone she struggled with meeting new people. I remember not understanding what she meant by that. I never thought of my mom as shy or unsure in new situations.
And I certainly didn't consider myself an introvert. I loved to perform and make people laugh and spend time with friends. But sometimes things change.
When I was entering 10th grade, we moved across country and I started attending school for the first time after being homeschooled. I knew four girls in the school and they had been emailing me over the summer. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through that first year without them. They introduced me to more people, showed me the ropes of school, and let me tag along everyday to eat lunch with them.
It was about this time that I noticed my attitude changing. I enjoyed being with my friends, laughing at their antics and stories {and boy could we laugh!!}. I met more people who became life long friends and I experienced things I never would have if God hadn't moved my family. But I found myself walking by new people and just smiling instead of introducing myself. I didn't jump at the chance to get my driver's license because when I got home after school, I just wanted to stay home {I waited until I was 19 to get my license but I do have it now}. I was self conscious and afraid I would say the wrong thing to someone, probably because I'd said the wrong thing a lot.
As I entered college, I kept the same group of friends close. We all attended the same university and I was comfortable within my small circle. I roomed in the dorms with my best friend from high school and we have some amazing memories together. I laugh just thinking about them! :)  A lot of my friends branched out, finding new friends, doing other things. I sometimes envied their ability to make friends. They could find things in common - shared hobbies and talents and interests - with other people so easily. They were the people others wanted to be around because they were fun and interesting. I never felt confident like that.
Starting my sophomore year, I moved home and became a town student. Most of my classes were filled with people I didn't know. I would enter class, smile, maybe say hello. But I couldn't muster the nerve to start a conversation with anyone. If they talked to me, I would happily chat and then wave when I saw them elsewhere on campus. I went to soccer games but only if I knew friends were going or I could convince them to go with me. I skipped lunch rather than sit alone or ask someone to eat with me. I was always afraid of inconveniencing someone or putting them on the spot, making them feel like they needed to say yes so I just didn't ask. I found a quiet spot in the library and read or wrote or watched the people I was too nervous to talk to.
I graduated, got married, and now I'm a pastor's wife. I love ministry and our church family but it's not always easy for me. People think that walking up to visitors and asking them questions is natural for me. It honestly isn't! It's a struggle because I want to stay in my comfort zone, talking with people I know and having the confidence to be myself.
It really comes down to a matter of pride in some cases. I'm afraid how people will view me, what they'll think of me. You know what they say about first impressions. And that fear drives me to seek out the comfort of people I already know. Where I know what to talk about with ease instead of searching for appropriate questions.
I guess the funniest thing is, if you asked my friends, they would probably laugh at the thought of Angela the Introvert. And I finally understand what my mom meant. Being an introvert doesn't always mean you hate being with people or you are anti-social and just sit in your home all day.
For me it's having difficulty putting myself out there. I've said the wrong thing to someone, hurt feelings, broken a promise. And I hate the thought of doing that again. Of disappointing someone. So when I don't know someone, I often choose to smile and wave and wait for them to approach me with an offer of friendship. And as I get to know them, I come out of my shell and become the Angela who, as a senior in high school, was voted as having the loudest and most memorable laugh. {It's often likened to a witch's cackle. Their words, not mine.}
Fortunately for me, anything I do isn't done in my own strength. Or at least I shouldn't try to do it that way. God has called me to where I am, doing what I'm doing. And he's given me what I need to fulfill the role I'm in. As a wife, mother, pastor's wife, friend. He hasn't called me to compare myself with all the amazing, outgoing, talented friends I have. I'm to use the talents he's equipped me with.
Have you ever bemoaned not being able to serve God like so-and-so? Or been so intimidated by someone else's skills you never attempted to serve the way she does? I think God brings people like that in our lives to humble us and to make us rely on Him more. The question is if we follow through with the ministry he has for us. Introverts and all.

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