Thanksgiving

It’s the week of Thanksgiving, one of my favorite times of year.

I love the food, traditions, moments of reflection, colors, decor. It’s a wonderful blend of family and friends coming together to celebrate and remember.

I always try to have an activity or craft for the kids that focuses on what they are thankful for. It’s true that once you start listing things, it’s difficult to find a stopping point! We have so many blessings, big and small, that should be remembered and rejoiced in.

For kids especially, these “I’m thankful for…” lists usually amount to their favorites. Favorite food, animals, things. It becomes a “My Favorites” list, which isn’t a bad thing; you can be thankful for your favorite things. But I was thinking, are we ever thankful for things that aren’t in that favorites list?

It’s an easy practice to think about what we love, what was fun, what went well and be thankful. But have you ever looked over the year and reflected on how the hard, difficult times and decisions changed you? I’m not saying you have to be thankful for the actual hard things themselves: illness, pain, loss, strain, etc. It might be difficult or impossible to truthfully say we are thankful for those things in our lives and situations. But maybe while walking through a hardship, you learned something about God, you found yourself focused on a certain attribute of his you’d overlooked, you memorized a Psalm that took on new meaning or significance. These are the things we can be thankful for, even after a difficult year {or two!}.

When I look back on 2021, I see a lot that frustrated me and discouraged me but I also have some wonderful memories with my family, I saw God provide financially, I grew deeper in some friendships, and learned more about empathy with others. I came to the end of my strength while dealing with constant pain and was reminded I have nothing under control, but God does.

So as you enter Thanksgiving and hopefully have time to reflect on 2021, don’t be afraid to give more than surface thanks {food, shelter, friends, etc.}. Think and pray about how God has used the good and discouraging of this year to draw you closer to himself.

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Seek the Light

I’m not super great at houseplants.

I have good intentions. I buy indoor plants, get them in {what I think} are perfect locations, and promptly forget to water them. Or I really want a plant in a certain place that gets no sunlight and it doesn’t last long.

When my kids learn about living things in science, we talk about what living things need to survive: food, water, and for plants, sunshine. It seems like such a simple list. How hard could it be to give plants sunlight, water, and food {nutrients in soil}?

Several months ago, I wanted to do a little sprucing up in our master bathroom. Our bathroom is somewhat large with a sink, linen closet, walk-in shower, and a large tub in the corner with big windows on two sides. The toilet is in its own little closet-like room with a small window. I found some cute shelves for above the tub opposite the windows and a matching over-the-toilet storage rack with shelves.

I’d never thought about putting plants in a bathroom before but we had these great shelves and lots of natural light pouring in. It seemed like a good fit, a little spa-like. I put a few starts from my spider plant in two containers, set them on the shelves in all that light, and waited to see how long they’d last.

The thing I love about spider plants is all the viney little shoots they send out. I love how they hang and fall and fill in so much space. And before long I noticed something that really shouldn’t have surprised me. The spider plant sent out a long narrow shoot right at the window. In fact, the whole plant began leaning toward the light in such a way that I was afraid the weight would tip the pot right off the shelf! So I rotated the pot, moving the fullness of the spider plant and that first shoot away from the window and toward the bathroom.

I didn’t keep track of how long it stayed that way but one day, I noticed the plant was leaning again and sending out another shoot, again to the natural light of the sun filtering in. The plant could not be stopped in its relentless seeking of the sun, one of the things needed for its survival.

Now, I’m not getting sci-fi and suggesting that the spider plant as a will, mind, conscious. I am pointing out that God designed the plant to need certain things and grow when those needs are met. And in a weird way, the plant unknowingly seeks out what it is designed to need.

God designed people with needs also. Our needs aren’t just about survival but about thriving and glorifying our Creator. We have basic health needs {food, water, oxygen} but we also need community, encouragement, to be productive, and above all, we need God. Even people who don’t acknowledge God’s existence have a need for him. And they will feel an emptiness, a desire to fill that space with something, even if they don’t admit it.

The trouble is sin. We get so wrapped up in the things of this world that we stop really seeking after what God wants. It might start with the lie that we are too busy to read the Bible then grow to skipping church and fellowship with believers because we feel out of touch or that it’s not convenient. We stop praying because we don’t see the need.

The Christian life is not a one and done. It’s a daily pursuing of the One who Created us. Just as my spider plant will send out shoots in pursuit of the sun’s rays, we as Christians should be seeking the truth of God’s Word and leaning toward Him. We need His guidance, care, strength, and grace more than we often believe. We daily pull away from the cares of this world and seek Him, the giver of light and life.

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Hospitality in a Socially Distanced World

One of the strange things about this whole quarantine thing is how it changed relationships.

As a pastor’s family, we would regularly have people into our home for dinner, brunch, chats, playdates, and parties. We have always viewed our home as a part of our ministry and since March, it’s been difficult to use it as such.

We realize that different people are comfortable with different things; we have friends who wear masks all the time, who take six feet of distance seriously, and we also have friends who don’t mind a quick hug and maskless visits. Tommy and I have talked about how we go forward, respecting the boundaries and feelings of others while still showing hospitality and concern.

And we’ve come to the conclusion that it all comes down to grace. We step forward and ask if they would be comfortable coming to our home. And if they say no, we graciously accept it and move on. As humans, we have a tendency to take things personally. A no for any reason is viewed as some kind of personal rejection. But in this time of pandemic, we can’t take affront at others choices. We need to be gracious and caring.

The true gift of being hospitable is that it isn’t about the person showing hospitality. It’s about the person receiving it. Just like gift giving, if we give gifts because we want to be praised or loved or seen, the value of the gift is diminished. Instead, we give gifts to show love, appreciation, and because we enjoy helping others. We have people to our homes for the same reasons; not because we want recognition for how amazing we are but because we want to demonstrate care and love for those invited.

The difficulty comes now. How do you show hospitality when you aren’t comfortable opening your home? Or when those you invite politely decline for social distancing. Or maybe your state has limited what you are allowed to do. Does hospitality cease in the times of COVID? I hope not. In fact, I believe hospitality is important now more than ever.

We feel disconnected, lonely, absent from each other lives. Studies have shown depression is on the rise as events are cancelled, visits postponed, vacations impossible, and people confined to their home. We need to share hope and love and encouragement in Christ like never before. And that might mean how we show hospitality looks a little different now. Here are some ideas to encourage others when faced with isolation.

1. Send notes. I love getting mail, even a postcard, and I know other people do to. It takes a little effort to write and stamp and address and mail a letter but the encouragement is just as heartfelt. My kids loved drawing pictures that we sent to some elderly people from church to brighten their day.

2. Call or text. I have friends who regularly check up on me via technology. We text Bible verses, prayer requests, give life updates on Marco Polo and Messenger, send GIFs. It’s all about letting people know we think and care about them.

3. Socially Distanced coffee. If the weather is still nice, meet at a park or outdoor restaurant for a quick catch up.

4. Drop off treats. Put tasty treats, candle, lotion, etc. in a gift bag and leave it on someone’s front porch. Or wrap up homemade bread or cookies and deliver it. Even if you don’t see their smiling faces of gratitude, the gesture will be appreciated.

It might require thinking outside the box of what we consider being hospitable but really, it’s the thought, the time, the action that makes the difference. Hospitality doesn’t have to be having people into our homes. It is anything we do for others. And we can still be thoughtful even with the wild ride that 2020 has been.

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Friendship for Others

As a society, we've come up with labels for everything. Personality traits, groups, clubs, hobbies. In a few words we can sum up for people 'who we are,' or at least we try to. 

One label I've struggled with for myself is introvert vs extrovert. As a child, I would have said extrovert. I loved people, friends, going places. But as I got older and some circumstances in my life changed, I found myself more driven to be alone. I still liked being with friends but I also craved quiet moments to myself. 

Being a mother only amplified my need to be alone. But I found when I would get a day or weekend to myself, I missed the questions, laughter, and needs of my children. And if I go without spending time with friends, I crave time with them. 

I love people. But sometimes I really want to be alone. 

Quarantine taught me a lot. Namely that I need people but also that people need me. 

Now before you label me as a narcissist, I don't say people need me to build myself up. But rather as a reminder that the relationships we have aren't just about us and our needs. 

I found during quarantine that I would think of a friend and shoot a quick text, something like 'Thinking of you today.' And I would get a lengthy reply about how they needed prayer, how they were struggling and thankful I had reached out. Over Zoom and text and messenger, I was reminded of the importance of community and the effect we can have on others, even if we aren't needing it in the same way. 

God reminds us continuously in the Bible that we need other people, specifically other Christians. We build each other up, hold each other accountable, encourage and teach each other. We are commanded to gather together. Christians are not supposed to be islands, standing alone against the odds. We need others and they need us. 

I Corinthians 12:12-26 tells us that we are like members of a body. We can't all be eyes or who would hear? If we were all feet, how would we breathe? We all have gifts and talents that are most effective when paired with others abilities. And usually we have to be with people to work together most effectively.

Sometimes it's hard for me to go to events. Meeting, talking, being with others instead of reading in front of the fire is not always the easy choice to make. But whenever I go, I don't regret it. I might come back to the house depleted of mental energy but I'm always encouraged in the Lord. It might not be my first choice, but it's a good choice, a necessary choice. 

Back to my original conundrum: I love people and going new places. I also have to talk myself into planning something that will get me out of the house. So, am I an introvert or an extrovert? It depends on the day. I won't label myself as either exclusively. Although it's hard to beat a book and hot tea.

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Rejoice in Others

Do you have a heard time hearing praise given to someone else?

It’s not something we readily admit because it sounds {and is} selfish. But still there is a part of us that maybe bristles a little when one friend talks about the virtues of another. “I do those same things,” we think, “and no one has told me how great I did. No one noticed when I went out of my way to serve.” And then we cringe at how incredibly selfish we are.

Our society is built on people who promote themselves. In this election year, we’ve had ample opportunity to see people talk about themselves, how they have the answers, how they are the best option. We also see this in celebrities, YouTube stars, athletes. If you want to get noticed, you have to sing your own praises.

But as Christians, there’s something that stops us {or it should} from blowing our own horn about how we serve others. Still, it doesn’t take away from that desire to be recognized. We might be tempted to think certain things aren’t worth doing if no one will notice it.

There’s a verse that always convicts me when I start having this mentality.

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

The driving force behind everything we do should not be to gain recognition or praise but to serve God. Are we doing certain things because of the comments we receive from people? Are we making certain decisions because we want the world to think well of us?

Pride is at the root of so many sins and it’s not something easily uprooted from our lives. We need to be vigilant, we need to be honest, and we need to have an attitude of repentance when we fail.

The family of God is so full of a variety of people with different talents and desires and abilities. We don’t need to compete for ways to serve God; we can find what he has gifted us in and pursue it for his glory. When people are recognized for a service well done, we need to come alongside them with appreciation for how they contribute to the ministry. It might be something we can’t do, something we actually have no desire to do. And yet, they did. And God used them.

We need to encourage each other. We need to grow in Christ together. We need to serve together. And God will use us in ways we couldn’t manage on our own.

Photo by John Mark Smith on Unsplash.

A Word for the Year

In the last few years, it has gotten popular to choose a word to ‘live out’ for the year. Depending on what your focus is, the word can be anything from kindness to confidence.

I don’t always pick a word but I do find it helpful to give some intentional thought to what I want to focus on for the year. And I usually try to study what the Bible says about that word or brainstorm ways I can put it into practice. I’ll get to my word for 2020 in a minute. But first, let’s talk about my process for choosing a word and my purpose in doing it.

When I start to think in December about a possible word for the next year, I think a lot about what my struggles that year have been. Is there something I need to pull away from, learn more about, focus on? Do I know of hardships, challenges, changes coming in the New Year that I need to prepare for? {I realize the next year is largely an unknown time but sometimes we know a surgery is coming, a move might happen, struggles from the previous year that carry over…} I start to pray and think about where God would have me focus my time and energy.

I already mentioned the benefit of focusing my study and learning about a single word. When I chose humility, I was blown away by all the things the Bible has to say — both positively about being humble and negatively on being proud. I started a running list of verses and examples of pride vs humility. I also noticed in my own life that a lot of things I struggled with looped back to being proud; either how well I did something, not asking for help, having a superior attitude. The root of it all was pride. It made the humility of Christ stand out even more in my mind.

Last year, my son was learning the Fruit of the Spirit in our church kids program and we talked A LOT about how we live out each of those nine words. So for 2019, I decided it would be good for me to dwell on them, study them, memorize them too so as I talked with my son, I would be practicing myself what I was telling him to do.

For 2020, I chose the word Ask. One thing that kept coming back to me at the end of last year was my struggle to admit when I needed something. And not just physical help from those around me but asking things of God — for wisdom, peace, everyday needs. My desire to control situations and be seen as a strong, self-sufficient person meant I wasn’t doing a basic thing — praying — and I was getting discouraged by all the things I couldn’t do. {Remember when I mentioned earlier a lot of issues boil down to pride? Clear example here!} The more I thought about it, the more I realized I needed to dwell on the importance of asking. And once I started looking for verses that talk about what we should ask for, why it’s important to ask, etc, I was completely convinced this needed to be my word!!

Do you choose a word or a verse to think about throughout the year?

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The Question We Should Ask

It’s the new year which means we are all thinking of resolutions. Even if we don’t write down a list of things, the beginning of the year always means reflection on the past and looking with anticipation for the future. That future usually has us considering what we would like to do, what we would like to change, and how we want to make those things happen!

I read the book, In His Image by Jen Wilkin for Bible study and before I got to the first chapter, I was hit by something she wrote. She said that the premise of the book is to show the difference between two questions: What should I do vs Who should I be.

When we think about finding God's Will for any decision, we usually ask for a specific outcome or guidance in what specific thing we should do. But, Wilkin argued, it's not about filling a list of qualifications before we know what to do. It's growing through sanctification to be who we should be that changes us. And as we grow in Christ, we pursue things that please God and decisions become a little easier.

All this made me think about why we always ask what instead of who. Our default it seems is to fix issues by changing our circumstances instead of asking if there is something about ourselves that needs to change. Those kinds of ponderings are usually uncomfortable because of one things: pride.

No matter what we think, we are proud. We might admit we need to grow in some areas but other things are practically sacred to us because “that’s just how I am.” I need to learn patience? No, I’ll just work harder to make things happen. You think I’m easily aggravated? You don’t know what I have to live with. We have a list of excuses for why we are the way we are. And in some ways, we don’t really want to change.

But over and over in the Bible, we are told to put off the former things and put on a whole new life in Christ. When God saved us, he didn’t want us to stay captive to our past selves and sins. He wants more for us. I’ve always found Galatians 5 convicting. In the same breath that Paul condemns sorcery, idolatry, drunkenness and a host of things I wouldn’t dream of, he also mentions envy, anger, jealousy, divisions. And he’s telling us to remove all those things from our lives (Gal. 5:19-21)! Then he lists what we are to be replacing all those sinful attitudes with: the fruit of the Spirit (5:22-23).

Another passage about putting off the old is Colossians 3. In verse one we are clearly told, “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above…” If we are saved, we should want to be growing and changing, not still in our former selves. Verses 5-9 are filled with sins that used to characterize us but now should have no part in our lives. If that list discourages you, keep reading to see all the things we are to be putting on or growing in (3:12-17).

If this seems like the impossible mission — turning from all the former and completely becoming a new creature in Christ — remember this: you aren’t doing it alone. By God’s grace, we have the Holy Spirit living in us, convicting us of sin, helping us to put on these things, challenging us to change and not dwell in where we were. We can’t will or force ourselves to be better. It is only through the power of God and with a sincere desire to change.

So as we jump into 2020 and make all the plans for what we want to do and change, let’s not forget to also pray about who we are in Christ and how we need to seek God and grow in him this year.

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The Lost Art of Listening

I was listening to a podcast a few weeks ago and the interviewee said she had been convicted to listen to what others were really saying instead of hearing what she wanted to respond to.

That really got me thinking. How often do I ‘listen’ to what others are telling me but my mind is actually focused on all the things I'm going to say once they stop talking? We've all had moments that run like this: ‘Oh, they're talking about hiking. I can tell them about the time I went to so-and-so and hiked that steep trail. It was definitely worse than anything they are describing.’ And in the process of thinking about and framing our story, we completely miss what the other person was communicating.

When we are busy formulating how we want to respond before the person has even finished, we are making ourselves more important then anything the other person could be telling us. But when we really listen to others and our aim is to help them, sometimes we don't need to say anything. Sometimes the person that is sharing with us merely needs to share. She doesn't need to hear a lesson based on our experience. She doesn't need to know that we are experts in what she is going through. Often people need a sounding board or they just need to know that someone is there and that you will be praying and that you are willing to listen.

In James 1:19, it says, 'Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.' We seem to use this verse more in terms of not responding in anger. If we are slow to anger and slow to speak, we are less likely to say something out of anger. But I think that we cannot discount the part of the verse that says to be quick to hear. We are becoming a society that does not like to listen to others. We prefer to listen to ourselves, to our own ideas, to our own thoughts. And yet James tells us in that verse we need to be quick — even eager — to listen to what others have to say and we should be slow and thoughtful in the response that we give.

Truly listening to someone not only takes practice; it also takes time. I admit sometimes I'm trying to hurry a conversation along by finishing sentences and summing up in my words what I believe the other person is trying to say. We think we are aiding the conversation but in reality, we are being selfish by not letting the person we are speaking to completely explain himself. There is an epidemic in our society of people hearing what they want to hear or what they expect someone to say in order to prove their point or their point of view. We see this constantly in the political landscape.

But as Christians we should hold ourselves to a higher standard. Jesus demonstrated compassion to those he ministered to and we do not know how to be compassionate and what a person's needs are if we are not first willing to sit next to her and listen to her needs. Sometimes we think listening must equal doing. If we hear of someone's problem, we are obligated to try and fix it. We need to become comfortable with hearing people's opinions, thoughts, and hurts, and not always trying to fix them. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is offer an ear to listen without commentary and a shoulder for them to lean on when they need it and prayers that God will give them wisdom where others are lacking. It really is selfish and arrogant of us to believe we always must be dispensing of our wisdom.

This does not mean that we can never offer advice or that we should always stay silent in the face of others opinions. But we should strive to be more discerning in when and how our advice and opinion is handed out. If we become known as someone who loves to hear our own voice or who enjoys giving advice more than listening, then we will soon not have anyone come to us. Think about your own life. If you have someone that you go to hoping for a listening ear about a struggle and encouragement in prayer with you and instead she talks about how she has successfully navigated that issue and doesn't hear your concerns at all, how likely are you to go to her again? In this situation, we have limited who we can support and encourage by our attitude and lack of concern.

There is a time for everything. There is a time to give advice and there is a time to be silent. A time for us to share our experiences and a time for us to learn from others. We need to be discerning and gracious in how we handle each of these situations and in all things, they must be done and covered in love and prayer.

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One Thing All Children Need

Last week was Thanksgiving and we were able to spend several days with my in-laws and my kids got to play with some of their cousins. As I was talking about mom-stuff with one of my sisters-in-law, we started talking about the different personalities emerging from our growing children. Some of them are more sensitive, others confident, some defiant, some more helpful.

We agreed that we wouldn’t change our kids, even if we could, and it was interesting to see them all interact over three days. One thing we talked about a little was building the confidence of the ones that needed it. And that made me think about a part of childhood I think it’s easy for adults to overlook. Children need encouragement and praise.

Sometimes it’s easy to look at what our children show us - a chore complete, a craft designed, a room cleaned - and it doesn’t meet with what we would consider a good job. So we tell them what’s wrong with the picture they painted, the spots on the window they missed, the wrinkles not straightened on the bedcovers. Instead of looking at the job they did complete and the accomplishment they did do, we are often too quick to point out what is wrong with their effort.

So why is this a problem? Think about it in your present life situation. Do you enjoy always having the negative of your efforts pointed out? Do you enjoy hearing, “Good, but not good enough”? Would you like your boss or spouse or friend to always tell you what you are doing wrong? I believe if we are honest we have all been in that position and found it uncomfortable and frustrating. Why try our best when we know it will be picked apart and all our work will be devalued?

For the Christian, we know that God has created everyone and given everyone talents and abilities to use for his glory. Children are learning not only how to do things like chores and drawing and reading and serving, they are learning how they can use their particular talents in a broader sense to serve God. But if their tries and efforts are constantly ignored or corrected without any mention of well done, good try, etc, they will soon stop trying and maybe think they aren’t good enough at anything to contribute to.

Before I go on, I want to point out I’m not advocating we never tell children no or instruct them in how to do things. Children need guidance and help, especially when learning a new skill or task. And many times a firm no is needed to keep children from danger they don’t see or recognize. However, it is possible to guide and instruct, to correct and rebuke in a loving way and with some positive remarks.

I struggle with this sometimes. It’s not easy to put aside our first reaction and choose something more loving. But one recent event keeps coming to mind that taught me so much about the importance of choosing encouraging words over critical ones.

My children have their own bathroom with a large counter and mirror. I have occasionally given them the Windex and papertowels and asked them to clean their area. One day my four year old son came running to get me with pure excitement on his face. He took my hand and dragged me into their bathroom with a triumphant point at the mirror. You couldn’t see your reflection for all the smears and smudges. He quickly explained that he saw the mirror was dirty, grabbed his spray bottle full of water, and went to town, wiping it all with a washcloth. My first thought was to be upset that he had created more work for me. But then I looked at his face - practically glowing with pride - and I changed my response. With a hug, I told him I appreciated his desire to help without being asked but then I reminded him we use a special spray bottle to clean mirrors. I took what he would need into the bathroom and he cleaned the whole mirror again, just as excited as before. After another hug, I told him he could clean the bathroom whenever he wanted but to ask me for the special spray first.

Children really do thrive with just a few words of encouragement. A thank you or good job can go so far. And you don’t have to only praise your kids! If you work with children in sports, school, church, etc, recognize their efforts and congratulate them on a job or a try well done.

I’m afraid sometimes we withhold praise because we don’t want our children to think they are perfect or above others. But trust me, my children know they are sinners, that Jesus is the only perfect person, and that everyone on earth is created equal in God’s eyes. But I also want them to know I see their efforts, I appreciate their tries and attempts with new things. I never want them to give up because of something negative I said to them.

How can you encourage your children today?

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