Friendship at Every Stage

Friends are such a gift. I am so thankful that God placed us in community and gave us people to walk through life with. I have learned a great deal from the different friends God has given me at various stages of life; things like kindness, listening, gift giving, the joy of watching others succeed, how to encourage others. I have had/do have friends in my life who have demonstrated these things to me and taught me how to be a good friend.

This week, I had dinner with two friends from childhood. I remember playing house and Barbies and dress-ups with them. Sleepovers and birthdays and lots of little girl giggles.

Our friendship has lasted decades. We’ve seen each other through hard times and life changing decisions. Babies and houses and moves and job changes. We have a familiarity because of the years of memories accumulated with each other. I am so grateful for their friendship and encouragement and the fact that time and distance has not taken anything away.

While we often think of friends as being a staple of childhood, adults need friends too! I’ve had several conversations with people lately about the difficulty of making friends as we get older, and to some extent I think that’s true. We become more self conscious, maybe more particular, busier, stuck in our habits. But with all the obstacles, I believe having friends is an important part of life.

Even after all the times I’ve read through Proverbs, I’m still surprised at the number of friend passages. Many of these are warnings to choose the right type of friend, which proves how influential people are in our lives. But we also have verses like:

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Prov. 27:17

Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. Prov. 27:9

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Prov. 17:17

A biblical friend isn’t just someone to have a good time with but is someone who strengths you, who builds you up and offers encouragement. And we never outgrow our need to be encouraged to stand strong in the truth of the Gospel!

This month, I will enter the decade that used to be called “Over the Hill” and I still feel the need for good friends. On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve been having conversations with my kids about their friendships. About playing nice with everyone and not excluding people from games of tag to preteen hurt feelings when old friends start heading in a different direction.

There is always a risk, always a chance of getting feelings hurt or being misunderstood and left out. And as easy as it would be to say we outgrow our need and move beyond all that, it’s simply not true. If anything, as I’ve gotten older I’ve relied on my friends more for sound advice, encouragement when I’m disappointed, and help during trials.

As I go into another year, I’m more grateful for my friends than ever. The ways they help me, point me to truth, make me laugh, enjoy life, and celebrate life’s moments. My 40 years on earth wouldn’t be the same without the people God has brought into my life at times I needed them. And I will always be thankful.

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

Sharing Our Burdens

I love to share and talk about so many different things. And, probably like you, I find myself talking about different things with different friends.

Motherhood and homeschooling dominate many of my conversations with many of my friends because we are in the trenches! Teaching, discipling, raising the children God has given us, and I need encouragement and advice from them. Other friends share creative hobby interests with me and we compare notes on flower gardens, books, and watercoloring.

It isn’t wrong to have specific topics and things that create a bond with a friend. It’s a healthy, helpful way to grow friendships and to grow ourselves as we learn and interact. But do you ever feel unable to talk about spiritual things with your friends? Does it embarrass you to ask for prayer? Do you struggle to bring a Bible reference into the context of a regular conversation?

I believe sometimes in our Christian lives, it becomes easy to compartmentalize and not view regular parts of our days as being spiritual. Is there really a Bible verse for everything? Well, no, not specifically. However, the Bible does give us verses and principles that are to be applied to every aspect of life.

For instance, when we don’t feel like folding another hamper of laundry, we can be reminded that, “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” {I Cor. 10:31} Or, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” {I Thess. 5:16-18} No, this doesn’t speak to folding laundry itself, but rather to the attitude we are to have in whatever we find ourselves doing.

How do we bring this back around to friends? I have found for myself that I can get so carried away in the topic of conversation that I only insert my “wisdom” rather than adding biblical wisdom. I let my opinions and thoughts direct the conversation more than what the Bible has to say about it. It’s not wrong to have an opinion about things but how do I view my opinion and how do I present it to others?

I’ve also found myself hesitant to ask for prayer or wisdom at certain times. It’s not that I don’t trust my friends for good advice; it’s more pride that I don’t want them to know what I’m struggling with. I have times when it’s easy to let me daily Bible reading slip. I shouldn’t be too embarrassed to text a friend and ask her to keep me accountable. Is one of my children struggling with rebellion? Asking a friend or family member to pray is a good idea.

God created us to live in community. He instituted marriage and family and church. He wants us to commune with one another, love one another, forgive one another, help one another. And ultimately, to serve God together. We do these things best when we are honest about our struggles, open about burdens, and when biblical wisdom flows easily from our lips.

Photo by Johannes W on Unsplash

Friendship

I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it my entire life: I have wonderful friends.

Life is never without drama but for the majority of my life, I have experienced encouraging, uplifting, helpful friendships. And as I’ve gotten older, I feel the importance and value of treasuring the relationships I have. I am aware many of my peers have pain and heartache to look back on and as I walk with my pre-teen daughter {she’s told me the correct term is “tween”}, I’ve been reminded of how difficult friend transitions can be.

No matter what age we are, it’s difficult to begin again. To find people we click with, who get our sense of humor, who enjoy the same activities, who give us hard truth when we need it and listen when we grieve. True friends that will stand by you through laughter and heartache. That will build memories and forgive the disagreements.

I’ve also been astounded to realize how unlikely some of my friendships are. I don’t have cookiecutter friends; they have different strengths, talents, pet peeves, and struggles. And they are also not all like me. Some of my friends are not into reading {I know, gasp!}, one friend doesn’t like donuts or desserts with fruit in them, several of my friends are competitive {I’ll include a few in-laws here}, and one friend, in a truly mind-shattering moment in high school, thought she was being original in creating a football team called the Pittsburgh Steelers {face palm, for sure!}. I have friends talented in music, baking, decorating, art and all things creative.

My point is, part of the benefit of friendship is what we learn and teach and give each other. It doesn’t mean I have to give up donuts or never talk about books — because both of those sound impossible. But I can discover new things, like trying audiobooks or cooking a new recipe. I can encourage them with where they are while they cheer me on in my place of ministry.

My life is richer and fuller because of my friendships. They are worth every minute, every bit of energy I invest. I never take them for granted and I am truly grateful.

Photo by Andrew Moca on Unsplash

The Blessing of Friendship

For all my introverted ways, I need friends.

I have had some incredible friends in my life and still do. I’ve had friendships that hurt and disappointed and didn’t last. But I’ve also had relationships that are still going strong decades later.

What is it about friends that is so vital? When we face things like the 2020 quarantine and forced isolation, why is it so hard, even for a person who would rather sit and read than party?

One essential piece is that God created us to need community. Have you considered the one another statements from the Bible? It’s impossible to live those out in solitude. We are to be encouraging and exhorting one another in the Lord. We also see in Proverbs that we can sharpen each other through our friendships (27:17).

Friends allow us to remember and reflect on things from the past. I have friends who, with a simple statement they immediately know what I’m referencing, how I’m feeling, what I mean. They have cried tears of joy and sorrow with me. They have spoken hard truths when I needed to hear them and listened quietly when I needed to process my thoughts aloud.

In short, friends are a gift. And when we find ourselves suddenly dealing with the world without their support, we easily feel the void. My children love playdates and park picnics and any excuse to gather with friends. April of 2020 was the slowest month of their lives. When we finally arranged a videocall with some of their friends, the laughter and smiles from that 15 minute call lasted for hours. The gloom and frustration of the morning melted away with one conversation from their friends.

I have not always been a good friend. I’ve forgotten important dates, spoken too harshly, criticized when I should have listened. But I have patient friends who continue to care about me, forgive when it’s needed, rebuke when it’s necessary, point me to Christ always.

Friends are a blessing I don’t take for granted. Miles separate us and years continue to pass. We enter new phases of life and go though different trials. But I’m thankful for the people that are in my life, encouraging me and occasionally dragging me away from my stack of books.

Photo by Janko Ferlic on Unsplash

When Pain Isolates

On the whole, I’m a healthy individual.

I don’t have pressing, life threatening issues that add up to numerous doctor’s appointments. And I’m extremely thankful and don’t take that health for granted because it could be gone in a minute. 

The one thing I do struggle with is migraines. For about the last 20 years, I’ve continually dealt with headaches ranging from small throbs to extreme pain. With the passing of time, I seem to discover more things that trigger these migraines and they seem to occur with greater frequency.

One of the most difficult things for me to communicate to others is my pain. Because I’ve dealt with headaches for most of my life, I’ve learned to ‘tune out’ the smaller ones and carry on with life. That means I go to church, carry on conversations, keep playdates, basically live my schedule while being in pain. In one form or another - sometimes mild, sometimes nauseating - I get a headache four-five times a week. That’s my reality.

But I can’t let it stop my life, so I’ve learned when to push through and smile and nod and when I have to hole up alone. There are definitely times when I have to hide away in the dark bedroom with peppermint, a cold washcloth, and hot tea. But if I did that for every headache, I would never leave my house. 

However, it’s hard to describe this to others. I don’t like using headaches or migraines to ‘get out’ of things but there have been times when I haven’t been able to participate because the pain was too great. But I’ve also muscled through and gone to meetings while in pain because it was important and my headache wasn’t getting worse.

People have trouble understanding this. I guess headaches have become so commonplace for me that they have to be extremely bad to disrupt my life. But someone who doesn’t get headaches often can be completely floored with one.

I’m not minimizing anyone’s pain or saying I have the highest tolerance. What I’m trying to say is that people who deal with chronic pain of any kind often struggle to know how to describe it and how to communicate how they live with it.

No one likes admitting weakness or the inability to do things. We want to look capable of carrying on with life and what is expected of us. But in dealing with daily pain, it often means having to show a vulnerability and admit that we aren’t strong enough. It also means having to choose what we can and cannot do.

Again, I’m not writing this to complain or make you feel bad about questioning a person dealing with pain. But we do need to be gracious with each other and realize that people are sometimes dealing with unseen pain. Personally, I don’t like walking into a room and declaring I have a migraine. I don’t feel it’s necessary for everyone to know. But if a friend asks if I’m hurting or says I look like I’m in pain, I will be honest and tell them. 

If you know someone who struggles with chronic pain, when they aren’t at an event, don’t pounce on them with a hundred questions on how they could miss XYZ. Simply inquire after their wellbeing and mention they were missed. If someone cancels lunch plans, don’t assume they have some dark purpose for avoiding you. It’s possible just getting out of bed that day was an ordeal. 

Consider I Peter 4:8-10a: Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another...

Have a quiet and gentle spirit, be ready to listen. Be gracious and patient with each other.

Photo Marina Kraus by on Unsplash.

The Right Time

Have you ever noticed that we operate in a ‘someday’ mentality?

In college we think ‘After I get married I’ll…’ After marriage we think ‘When I have a baby I’ll…’ With kids we say ‘Once they graduate I’ll…’ When work gets in the way we promise ‘When I retire I’ll…’

We are always looking for why our current stage of life keeps us from doing certain things and we are positive once we get things together in the future, we’ll be able to fulfill that dream, help in that ministry, catch up with that friend, etc.

The truth is, tomorrow isn’t promised to us, let alone the next 10 years. And we don’t know the difficulties or obstacles or challenges that the next stage might bring. If we are serious about a ministry or checking in with someone, we need to consider doing it now.

Of course, we can’t do everything, no matter how much we want to. But if we’re continually making excuses and turning it into a ‘someday promise,’ we should question how serious we are about doing it.

I remember when we first got married and were in a tiny apartment. Our kitchen/dining barely fit a table with four chairs and our living room wasn’t much bigger. Initially I thought ‘We’ll have people over once we get into a house’ but I knew we wouldn’t be buying a house anytime soon because we didn’t plan to live in that city for long. If we wanted to fellowship with those friends at that time, it would have to be in a crowded apartment in informal ways. But we did it and it worked. I hosted Bible study, a wedding shower for a friend, several different couples for meals. It might not have looked perfect or ideal but we jumped in and enjoyed what we had.

I’ve thought similar things about the child rearing stage. With babies or toddlers, it can be easier to not visit people, to not open your home, but there are many opportunities you miss out on! I haven’t always done this well and I’m still learning what I can do in this stage and what needs to wait, but I shouldn’t put everything off!

Part of living a life that glorifies God is to be a good steward of this life. That means asking God to show opportunities you can do now, today, this week, to encourage someone. Maybe you can text a Bible verse to a friend while holding a sleeping baby. Maybe you double your bread recipe and drop the extra loaf at a neighbor’s house. Maybe it’s committing to help in one church program this year.

My challenge to you is to find one thing. Pray and ask God to lay on your heart one area that you can help someone in and then follow through. I think you’ll be surprised how little efforts build to great things and that often, the right time is right in front of us.

Photo by Manasvita S on Unsplash

Hospitality in a Socially Distanced World

One of the strange things about this whole quarantine thing is how it changed relationships.

As a pastor’s family, we would regularly have people into our home for dinner, brunch, chats, playdates, and parties. We have always viewed our home as a part of our ministry and since March, it’s been difficult to use it as such.

We realize that different people are comfortable with different things; we have friends who wear masks all the time, who take six feet of distance seriously, and we also have friends who don’t mind a quick hug and maskless visits. Tommy and I have talked about how we go forward, respecting the boundaries and feelings of others while still showing hospitality and concern.

And we’ve come to the conclusion that it all comes down to grace. We step forward and ask if they would be comfortable coming to our home. And if they say no, we graciously accept it and move on. As humans, we have a tendency to take things personally. A no for any reason is viewed as some kind of personal rejection. But in this time of pandemic, we can’t take affront at others choices. We need to be gracious and caring.

The true gift of being hospitable is that it isn’t about the person showing hospitality. It’s about the person receiving it. Just like gift giving, if we give gifts because we want to be praised or loved or seen, the value of the gift is diminished. Instead, we give gifts to show love, appreciation, and because we enjoy helping others. We have people to our homes for the same reasons; not because we want recognition for how amazing we are but because we want to demonstrate care and love for those invited.

The difficulty comes now. How do you show hospitality when you aren’t comfortable opening your home? Or when those you invite politely decline for social distancing. Or maybe your state has limited what you are allowed to do. Does hospitality cease in the times of COVID? I hope not. In fact, I believe hospitality is important now more than ever.

We feel disconnected, lonely, absent from each other lives. Studies have shown depression is on the rise as events are cancelled, visits postponed, vacations impossible, and people confined to their home. We need to share hope and love and encouragement in Christ like never before. And that might mean how we show hospitality looks a little different now. Here are some ideas to encourage others when faced with isolation.

1. Send notes. I love getting mail, even a postcard, and I know other people do to. It takes a little effort to write and stamp and address and mail a letter but the encouragement is just as heartfelt. My kids loved drawing pictures that we sent to some elderly people from church to brighten their day.

2. Call or text. I have friends who regularly check up on me via technology. We text Bible verses, prayer requests, give life updates on Marco Polo and Messenger, send GIFs. It’s all about letting people know we think and care about them.

3. Socially Distanced coffee. If the weather is still nice, meet at a park or outdoor restaurant for a quick catch up.

4. Drop off treats. Put tasty treats, candle, lotion, etc. in a gift bag and leave it on someone’s front porch. Or wrap up homemade bread or cookies and deliver it. Even if you don’t see their smiling faces of gratitude, the gesture will be appreciated.

It might require thinking outside the box of what we consider being hospitable but really, it’s the thought, the time, the action that makes the difference. Hospitality doesn’t have to be having people into our homes. It is anything we do for others. And we can still be thoughtful even with the wild ride that 2020 has been.

Photo by Kate Macate on Unsplash

Friendship for Others

As a society, we've come up with labels for everything. Personality traits, groups, clubs, hobbies. In a few words we can sum up for people 'who we are,' or at least we try to. 

One label I've struggled with for myself is introvert vs extrovert. As a child, I would have said extrovert. I loved people, friends, going places. But as I got older and some circumstances in my life changed, I found myself more driven to be alone. I still liked being with friends but I also craved quiet moments to myself. 

Being a mother only amplified my need to be alone. But I found when I would get a day or weekend to myself, I missed the questions, laughter, and needs of my children. And if I go without spending time with friends, I crave time with them. 

I love people. But sometimes I really want to be alone. 

Quarantine taught me a lot. Namely that I need people but also that people need me. 

Now before you label me as a narcissist, I don't say people need me to build myself up. But rather as a reminder that the relationships we have aren't just about us and our needs. 

I found during quarantine that I would think of a friend and shoot a quick text, something like 'Thinking of you today.' And I would get a lengthy reply about how they needed prayer, how they were struggling and thankful I had reached out. Over Zoom and text and messenger, I was reminded of the importance of community and the effect we can have on others, even if we aren't needing it in the same way. 

God reminds us continuously in the Bible that we need other people, specifically other Christians. We build each other up, hold each other accountable, encourage and teach each other. We are commanded to gather together. Christians are not supposed to be islands, standing alone against the odds. We need others and they need us. 

I Corinthians 12:12-26 tells us that we are like members of a body. We can't all be eyes or who would hear? If we were all feet, how would we breathe? We all have gifts and talents that are most effective when paired with others abilities. And usually we have to be with people to work together most effectively.

Sometimes it's hard for me to go to events. Meeting, talking, being with others instead of reading in front of the fire is not always the easy choice to make. But whenever I go, I don't regret it. I might come back to the house depleted of mental energy but I'm always encouraged in the Lord. It might not be my first choice, but it's a good choice, a necessary choice. 

Back to my original conundrum: I love people and going new places. I also have to talk myself into planning something that will get me out of the house. So, am I an introvert or an extrovert? It depends on the day. I won't label myself as either exclusively. Although it's hard to beat a book and hot tea.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Who Do You Pray For?

The last month has taught me something important: there is always something or someone I can pray for.

With social distance meaning I can’t meet with friends and ladies from church, I’ve resorted — like so many others — to keeping in touch electronically. Texting, Zoom meetings, Marco Polo, email, Facetime, and Messenger have all become part of my daily, regular schedule. Even my children have been catching up with friends and family and doing piano lessons online. It’s strange but I’m thankful we have the option and availability to check in and catch up, even while staying home.

Without fail, as I chat with others, I ask how they are doing and what I can pray for. Those are questions that should be part of our regular dialogue with friends and family but somehow, in the midst of parties, fellowships, playdates, and gatherings, those are often the questions left unsaid while we instead talk about the movies we’ve seen, the deals we’ve found, the crazy lives we lead. And usually when we do ask friends how they are, we anticipate the standard, “I’m fine,” or “Doing great” and we’re happy to leave it at face value and not pry too much.

But there’s something about not being face to face that makes me crave real connection. Not that other interactions are pointless but there’s only so much you can talk about when people haven’t left their houses in a month!! And after every text, every message, I stop and pray for that person, for whatever peace or strength or grace they need.

And I didn’t always do that. I was usually running somewhere or sending a brief message between household tasks. And, I thought, “I’ll catch up with them on Sunday.” But during the last month, those Sundays and Bible studies and Awana nights haven’t happened and to stay in touch with friends, I’ve had to get creative. With short communications the only way to connect with people and with the stay at home orders cancelling any and all reasons I have to leave the house, I’ve found myself thinking about my friends more and praying for them.

One of the great realities in this quarantine is that some of my struggles are probably similar to what my friends and family are struggling with. Feeling boxed in? Fear/anxiety of the unknown? Frustration over cancelled plans? Weary of kids complaining? Craving a few minutes to myself? Yep, as I chat with my friends, these are very real hardships for all of us. So where before someone would come to mind and I’d think, “I don’t know what she needs, I’ll ask her on Sunday,” now I think, “She’s at home with her kids, she’s unable to follow her regular routine, she’s trying to figure out working from home…I think I know what to pray for.”

You see, before it was almost like I was afraid of ‘wasting’ a prayer on someone who might not need it. Which is a crazy idea!! God knows what every individual needs, even if I don’t, and He will meet those needs, even if I don’t know what to specifically pray about. My part is to faithfully, humbly come before Him and bring my praise and requests. Even if it’s the simple, “Be with her today.”

I’ve also realized during this month that there are people I should be praying for regularly that somehow slip by my mind unless I know a certain request they’ve mentioned to me. Have you ever noticed it’s easy to consistently pray for the same things and people? Almost like you put your prayer life on auto pilot. But quarantine has brought so many people to mind that I realize I don’t always pray for or maybe I do sporadically.

To help myself, I made a list to keep by my Bible and I’ve also restarted the practice of praying through our church directory. Below is a printable of people — general, not specific — I’ve been burdened and reminded to keep in my prayers. If you would benefit from such a list, please feel free to download and print it. I also wrote a few things you might pray for under each group, just in case you don’t know where to start. Pray these things for others and yourself.

One of my constant prayers through all this is that we would come out the other side of quarantine grateful, thankful, loving, compassionate people.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash.

Admitting Struggles

It’s easy to look like everything is okay.

We do it all the time. We go to parties and lunch with friends but internally we’re weary. There’s a medical problem, a family issue, we’re worn out moms trying to disciple our children, we’re facing trials at work or strife with a coworker. We have weights pressing on us that no one can see. But we can’t admit them. No one wants to hear about our issues — our friends probably have perfect lives. Maybe it’s our pride, our unwillingness to let people know we need a shoulder to cry on. We might fear they will think less of us or laugh because our problem is so small. So we smile and laugh and answer, “I’m fine.”

So where do we fit in? There is a responsibility on both sides of the equation. First, be willing to listen. If you ask someone how things are going, if she’s struggling, or in need of anything, be willing to slow your own pace down and actually listen. I’ve found when people believe we’re in a hurry or busy they purposely choose to smile and say, “I’m fine” and let us continue on. They don’t want to stand in the way of whatever important thing we are heading to. So we miss the opportunity and they continue to shoulder the burden they desperately want help with.

Second, if we are the one struggling and a friend offers a shoulder and a chance to confide, we need to put away our pride and talk. Forget the pressure of looking perfect or having it all together. We are given friends because we aren’t meant to walk alone. There is no shame in admitting we need prayer or wisdom or just the opportunity to explain a hard situation. We might not come away with all the answers but we won’t be lying under the weight of it alone. {I Thess. 5:11}

Third, we have a Heavenly Father who already knows we need help and is ready to supply our needs. He listens when we cry out to Him and He hears the brokenhearted {Psalm 77:1}. I believe we sometimes think since God knows our thoughts and struggles there’s no reason to pray to Him about them. But He wants us to seek Him — actively, purposefully, intentionally.

Think on these words from Psalm 94:18-19 — When I thought, "My foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

Will you bring your trials and heartaches to God today? Will you approach a friend with a clear intention of listening to whatever she shares?

Photo by Roberto Nickson on Unsplash

When We Reach Beyond

Most people that know me wouldn’t consider me an introvert. But I am. I’m not super confident. I usually think whatever I’m doing someone else could be doing better. I love reading and quiet and I sometimes need to get away by myself to recharge {and my husband graciously allows me to}.

The point is even though I’m a pastor’s wife, I struggle to walk up to others and strike up a conversation. Once I do muster my courage, I enjoy talking with and getting to know new people. It just takes a lot of deep breaths and pep talks.

As I chat with other women from our church, I hear many of them say they want to get to know other ladies but it’s hard for them too. Maybe they are introverts like myself. Maybe they struggle to know what topics to bring up. Maybe they are super outgoing and they don’t want to overwhelm someone.

We all have barriers that can make it difficult to reach out to those not in our already formed circle. Yet we know we should be reaching out. So how do we move beyond our comfort zone and engage with those around us? A few helpful ideas are:

Invite current friends and a new acquaintance over for coffee or a playdate if they have kids. This will take some of the pressure off of conversing one on one with a new friend and introduce them to others.

Write down what you talk about. I find this very helpful when I'm first meeting someone. After we chat, I write in a journal a few things I learned about them, what they enjoy, where they've been, etc. It gives me ideas of things to ask them about next time and keeps my memory fresh of what they've already told me. Of course, the better you know someone the more this becomes organic and natural.

Ask if they text. If they do, send a message on occasion to ask how they are, if they have prayer requests or anything special for the week. It's a small thing but it's a great way to stay connected.

My point is even the small things add up to friendship gradually. Getting to know someone new takes time and we shouldn't expect to be BFFs with anyone after one occasion. It takes effort, it takes time, but it is worth going out of our way to befriend and encourage someone.

Photo by Micheile Henderson on Unsplash