The Right Time

Have you ever noticed that we operate in a ‘someday’ mentality?

In college we think ‘After I get married I’ll…’ After marriage we think ‘When I have a baby I’ll…’ With kids we say ‘Once they graduate I’ll…’ When work gets in the way we promise ‘When I retire I’ll…’

We are always looking for why our current stage of life keeps us from doing certain things and we are positive once we get things together in the future, we’ll be able to fulfill that dream, help in that ministry, catch up with that friend, etc.

The truth is, tomorrow isn’t promised to us, let alone the next 10 years. And we don’t know the difficulties or obstacles or challenges that the next stage might bring. If we are serious about a ministry or checking in with someone, we need to consider doing it now.

Of course, we can’t do everything, no matter how much we want to. But if we’re continually making excuses and turning it into a ‘someday promise,’ we should question how serious we are about doing it.

I remember when we first got married and were in a tiny apartment. Our kitchen/dining barely fit a table with four chairs and our living room wasn’t much bigger. Initially I thought ‘We’ll have people over once we get into a house’ but I knew we wouldn’t be buying a house anytime soon because we didn’t plan to live in that city for long. If we wanted to fellowship with those friends at that time, it would have to be in a crowded apartment in informal ways. But we did it and it worked. I hosted Bible study, a wedding shower for a friend, several different couples for meals. It might not have looked perfect or ideal but we jumped in and enjoyed what we had.

I’ve thought similar things about the child rearing stage. With babies or toddlers, it can be easier to not visit people, to not open your home, but there are many opportunities you miss out on! I haven’t always done this well and I’m still learning what I can do in this stage and what needs to wait, but I shouldn’t put everything off!

Part of living a life that glorifies God is to be a good steward of this life. That means asking God to show opportunities you can do now, today, this week, to encourage someone. Maybe you can text a Bible verse to a friend while holding a sleeping baby. Maybe you double your bread recipe and drop the extra loaf at a neighbor’s house. Maybe it’s committing to help in one church program this year.

My challenge to you is to find one thing. Pray and ask God to lay on your heart one area that you can help someone in and then follow through. I think you’ll be surprised how little efforts build to great things and that often, the right time is right in front of us.

Photo by Manasvita S on Unsplash

Hospitality in a Socially Distanced World

One of the strange things about this whole quarantine thing is how it changed relationships.

As a pastor’s family, we would regularly have people into our home for dinner, brunch, chats, playdates, and parties. We have always viewed our home as a part of our ministry and since March, it’s been difficult to use it as such.

We realize that different people are comfortable with different things; we have friends who wear masks all the time, who take six feet of distance seriously, and we also have friends who don’t mind a quick hug and maskless visits. Tommy and I have talked about how we go forward, respecting the boundaries and feelings of others while still showing hospitality and concern.

And we’ve come to the conclusion that it all comes down to grace. We step forward and ask if they would be comfortable coming to our home. And if they say no, we graciously accept it and move on. As humans, we have a tendency to take things personally. A no for any reason is viewed as some kind of personal rejection. But in this time of pandemic, we can’t take affront at others choices. We need to be gracious and caring.

The true gift of being hospitable is that it isn’t about the person showing hospitality. It’s about the person receiving it. Just like gift giving, if we give gifts because we want to be praised or loved or seen, the value of the gift is diminished. Instead, we give gifts to show love, appreciation, and because we enjoy helping others. We have people to our homes for the same reasons; not because we want recognition for how amazing we are but because we want to demonstrate care and love for those invited.

The difficulty comes now. How do you show hospitality when you aren’t comfortable opening your home? Or when those you invite politely decline for social distancing. Or maybe your state has limited what you are allowed to do. Does hospitality cease in the times of COVID? I hope not. In fact, I believe hospitality is important now more than ever.

We feel disconnected, lonely, absent from each other lives. Studies have shown depression is on the rise as events are cancelled, visits postponed, vacations impossible, and people confined to their home. We need to share hope and love and encouragement in Christ like never before. And that might mean how we show hospitality looks a little different now. Here are some ideas to encourage others when faced with isolation.

1. Send notes. I love getting mail, even a postcard, and I know other people do to. It takes a little effort to write and stamp and address and mail a letter but the encouragement is just as heartfelt. My kids loved drawing pictures that we sent to some elderly people from church to brighten their day.

2. Call or text. I have friends who regularly check up on me via technology. We text Bible verses, prayer requests, give life updates on Marco Polo and Messenger, send GIFs. It’s all about letting people know we think and care about them.

3. Socially Distanced coffee. If the weather is still nice, meet at a park or outdoor restaurant for a quick catch up.

4. Drop off treats. Put tasty treats, candle, lotion, etc. in a gift bag and leave it on someone’s front porch. Or wrap up homemade bread or cookies and deliver it. Even if you don’t see their smiling faces of gratitude, the gesture will be appreciated.

It might require thinking outside the box of what we consider being hospitable but really, it’s the thought, the time, the action that makes the difference. Hospitality doesn’t have to be having people into our homes. It is anything we do for others. And we can still be thoughtful even with the wild ride that 2020 has been.

Photo by Kate Macate on Unsplash

The Importance of Story

I love a good story. There are some genres or styles that I prefer, but if there are well developed characters with a compelling plot, I’m all in.

I’m not only interested in fiction stories, however. I love hearing about someone’s life stories and experiences. Many times, I’ve been completely surprised to hear the jobs people have had, the things they’ve seen or places they’ve traveled. It’s one of the joys in talking with friends and meeting new people. You can’t tell someone’s story with just a quick glance. It takes time, effort, and genuine interest.

In today’s ‘me’ focused culture, I’m afraid we’re losing our love for story. Sure, we are thrilled to share OUR story and experiences with everyone, but how often do we actively ask and listen and pursue the stories of others? Sometimes experiences shared with others are hard to hear. Real life doesn’t come with guaranteed happy endings and often our greatest moments of learning and growing in life come because of difficult things. But that’s why it’s so important to listen and care about the stories people share with us. They are giving a glimpse into themselves. And often the passions, values, and traditions of people are a direct result of their experiences.

Another benefit I find in listening to others is hearing their perspective. We all have our own voice, our own way of perceiving the things around us. I love listening to my kids tell about their day. The things they choose to include in the nightly report and the details they give tell me something about them. Often my takeaways from the day are much different than theirs, and we’ve been together all day, doing the same things! Yet their perspective and voice are not mine. Some events are so shattering that we all experience them. Pearl Harbor, the assassination of JFK, 9/11. For the people who were alive during those events, they each have memories, a story, a perspective on where they were and how things changed after. Unless it is shared and recorded, that perspective will be lost.

So how do you start sharing your story or appreciating the perspective of others? For yourself, start a journal. Even if you write sparingly, record your strengths, fears, thoughts about life, and memories. Then start asking questions from the people around you and listen — actually listen. Listen with interest and intention. I believe if we start appreciating the stories of others and investing time in those around us, we will grow closer to each other and learn more.

Photo by Wu Yi on Unsplash.

Showing Grace When We Would Do It Differently

Imagine this scene. Two homeschool moms are talking about the curriculum choice they made for their children. The first mom says they really enjoy the curriculum they are using. The second mom is semi familiar with it but quickly states that that curriculum is far too expensive and there's no way she would pay that much for books when there are other less expensive options available.

The first mom fires back that it's not as expensive as the second mom thinks and the quality of the material and the convenience of the program make it the perfect choice for their family. As both women go back and forth about the pros and cons of their choices, both get more involved emotionally and neither of them change opinions.

Now I used the example of what they choose to teach with because it's a debate I've heard in homeschool circles. They could just as easily have been discussing homeschool vs regular school or what food they feed their family or whether or not they vaccinate or a 100 other choices we make for our families.

The simple truth is that for everything we decide to do, there is a flip side we're choosing not to do and it often comes down to personal preference, family size, what we've found works best for our lifestyle, etc. It doesn't automatically make the other choice wrong - that option just doesn't work for our family.

The sad thing is many a mom has left a conversation like this feeling run down, questioning her decisions, angry, frustrated, maybe feeling personally attacked. Some moms might quickly shrug off an encounter but she probably replays it in her head a few times and mentions it to her husband. Other moms might start to doubt the decisions they've made for their children, rethinking choices and losing sleep because of someone else's opinion.

The simple truth is that no one is perfect. We are all trying to raise our kids well, doing what we believe is best for them. But our decisions shouldn't be a mandate for others to follow. Do we make mistakes? Of course. Can we change our minds? Absolutely. God gave us children who are different from other children, he gave us abilities and interests different from other moms, personalities that are not cookie cutter. Why would we think there's one way to do things when our families operate differently?

Multiple times we as Christians are called to unity. We are called to build each other up, to strive to be like Jesus (I Thess. 5:11). If we are following God's Word and raising our children to follow after Him, the choices we make reflect those values. And a mom who raises her children differently but desiring the same goals is doing what's best for her family.

Now I want to point out something quickly. Obviously if a mom is making sinful choices for her children {like encouraging them to do something illegal, or something against the principles God has outlined in the Bible} we should lovingly confront her with the problem. But let’s be honest. Usually the discussions we have and debates we enter into are more things of choice and preference than biblical command.

We need to show grace to others in a very practical way. It's acknowledging that the decisions other moms make are okay, even if they differ from ours. It's listening to why she made those choices and not demanding she listen to our choices and change her mind. It’s loving others as God loves us (John 13:34; I Peter 4:8-9).

Photo by Magdalena Raczka on Unsplash

Ministering as an Introvert

(This was previously posted on acjeffcott.blogspot.com)

I remember when I was younger - I don't know how old I was but it was before high school - I heard my mom tell someone she struggled with meeting new people. I remember not understanding what she meant by that. I never thought of my mom as shy or unsure in new situations.
And I certainly didn't consider myself an introvert. I loved to perform and make people laugh and spend time with friends. But sometimes things change.
When I was entering 10th grade, we moved across country and I started attending school for the first time after being homeschooled. I knew four girls in the school and they had been emailing me over the summer. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through that first year without them. They introduced me to more people, showed me the ropes of school, and let me tag along everyday to eat lunch with them.
It was about this time that I noticed my attitude changing. I enjoyed being with my friends, laughing at their antics and stories {and boy could we laugh!!}. I met more people who became life long friends and I experienced things I never would have if God hadn't moved my family. But I found myself walking by new people and just smiling instead of introducing myself. I didn't jump at the chance to get my driver's license because when I got home after school, I just wanted to stay home {I waited until I was 19 to get my license but I do have it now}. I was self conscious and afraid I would say the wrong thing to someone, probably because I'd said the wrong thing a lot.
As I entered college, I kept the same group of friends close. We all attended the same university and I was comfortable within my small circle. I roomed in the dorms with my best friend from high school and we have some amazing memories together. I laugh just thinking about them! :)  A lot of my friends branched out, finding new friends, doing other things. I sometimes envied their ability to make friends. They could find things in common - shared hobbies and talents and interests - with other people so easily. They were the people others wanted to be around because they were fun and interesting. I never felt confident like that.
Starting my sophomore year, I moved home and became a town student. Most of my classes were filled with people I didn't know. I would enter class, smile, maybe say hello. But I couldn't muster the nerve to start a conversation with anyone. If they talked to me, I would happily chat and then wave when I saw them elsewhere on campus. I went to soccer games but only if I knew friends were going or I could convince them to go with me. I skipped lunch rather than sit alone or ask someone to eat with me. I was always afraid of inconveniencing someone or putting them on the spot, making them feel like they needed to say yes so I just didn't ask. I found a quiet spot in the library and read or wrote or watched the people I was too nervous to talk to.
I graduated, got married, and now I'm a pastor's wife. I love ministry and our church family but it's not always easy for me. People think that walking up to visitors and asking them questions is natural for me. It honestly isn't! It's a struggle because I want to stay in my comfort zone, talking with people I know and having the confidence to be myself.
It really comes down to a matter of pride in some cases. I'm afraid how people will view me, what they'll think of me. You know what they say about first impressions. And that fear drives me to seek out the comfort of people I already know. Where I know what to talk about with ease instead of searching for appropriate questions.
I guess the funniest thing is, if you asked my friends, they would probably laugh at the thought of Angela the Introvert. And I finally understand what my mom meant. Being an introvert doesn't always mean you hate being with people or you are anti-social and just sit in your home all day.
For me it's having difficulty putting myself out there. I've said the wrong thing to someone, hurt feelings, broken a promise. And I hate the thought of doing that again. Of disappointing someone. So when I don't know someone, I often choose to smile and wave and wait for them to approach me with an offer of friendship. And as I get to know them, I come out of my shell and become the Angela who, as a senior in high school, was voted as having the loudest and most memorable laugh. {It's often likened to a witch's cackle. Their words, not mine.}
Fortunately for me, anything I do isn't done in my own strength. Or at least I shouldn't try to do it that way. God has called me to where I am, doing what I'm doing. And he's given me what I need to fulfill the role I'm in. As a wife, mother, pastor's wife, friend. He hasn't called me to compare myself with all the amazing, outgoing, talented friends I have. I'm to use the talents he's equipped me with.
Have you ever bemoaned not being able to serve God like so-and-so? Or been so intimidated by someone else's skills you never attempted to serve the way she does? I think God brings people like that in our lives to humble us and to make us rely on Him more. The question is if we follow through with the ministry he has for us. Introverts and all.

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash