Be Kind

Does it really need to be said? Apparently it does.

It has grieved and.troubled me how rational, Bible believing people have turned to anger, suspicion, and hate toward other Christians and unsaved alike. And to compound the issue, they are taking to social media where anyone can see their hatred and rage. I recently observed an online conversation that started with, “A video I posted was removed by Facebook” and within 20 comments had escalated to name calling, threats of unfriending, and some really angry remarks that had nothing to do with the original post.

So let’s pause a moment and gain some wisdom from a rabbit.

In the animated movie, Bambi, a rabbit named Thumper makes an observation about the fawn which is true but not necessarily nice. The mother rabbit asks, “What did your father tell you this morning?” To which Thumper replies reluctantly, “If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all.” What wisdom from a bunny! My Me-Ma had another saying along these lines that she loved to pop into conversation when someone was struggling: “Pretty is as pretty does.” Meaning act pretty (kind) if you want to be pretty on the outside.

But that seems to be the farthest thing from anyone’s mind right now. Everyone cares about stating their opinion and sharing why anyone who disagrees is wrong.

So indulge me in a little refresher course on what kindness is.

1) Kindness is speaking in love. Sometimes we need to share the truth with others and oppose what they are saying BUT that is in reference to people speaking against God, glorifying sin/sinful behavior, etc. And even then, it needs to be in an attitude of love. At this point, we could stop and read all of I Corinthians 13 but let’s just focus on verse 4: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant.” Don’t forget Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

2) Kindness is sensitive. Do you know the situation/circumstance/life story of every person you contact? We have no idea what other trials or decisions people are facing, especially if we’re only engaging with them on social media. I have been hurt by something someone posted just after a huge trial in my life. It might not have been directed at me personally but the tone and condemnation of what was written hit me at a very fragile time. I know some of you are rolling your eyes, thinking, “If I did that, I’d never post anything. I can’t think of every person’s emotional state before I say something.” It’s true, people are accountable for the way they take things and for their attitude and actions after. But that doesn’t give us the right for angry, insulting remarks. Recognize that people have reasons for choosing to wear a mask/not wear a mask/stay home/go to the park, etc. And it’s not our place to shower criticism or anger on their personal choices.

3) Kindness is humble. Have you ever been wrong? Have you ever passionately stood behind something and then changed your mind as you got older, learned more, etc? We all have and in this current age of technology and information, we receive new information constantly. And it contradicts! And it changes! And the media does have a bias and does report negative, scary news because that is what gets clicks! “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” (Phil. 2:3) Be careful to not shout your knowledge in an attempt to look smart, thumb your nose at others, or look more spiritual. That is not humility and that is not thinking of others. Philippians 2 is all about the humility of Christ and how we are to follow that example.

4) Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit. We are told in Galatians a list of nine things that should be evident in a Christian’s life. Kindness happens to be one of them. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” (Gal. 5:22-23) 

I’m just going to throw this out there for you to consider: if you read something that really burns you up and you want to belittle the author or the person who posted, go to your bathroom and talk to the wall. Or write it all out in a notebook. Do you know how many times I’ve complained or vented frustrations to myself and when it was over, I was very glad I was the only one who heard my angry words? Things spoken in anger are rarely helpful. If you need to get it out, do it alone. The internet doesn’t need more venom.

I know sometimes we post things that aren’t meant to offend; we’re sharing information or articles for people to consider. But if someone posts a comment disagreeing or angry about the article, we need to monitor our response and decide if it’s worth engaging. Every comment doesn’t need a reply. Most people who comment on social media aren’t looking for a real discussion of pros and cons and you probably won’t change their mind, even with a well-crafted response. They just want to get their two cents in. It’s okay to walk away first.

Here’s my last thought on this. On social media, we don’t know who will read what we say. Please be considerate and remember, everyone is struggling to make their own decisions based on what is best for their families and within their states guidelines. Don’t think people are just following the crowds and haven’t given thought to their choices.

Let’s cover ourselves and each other in prayer. Think about your responses before responding. Remember, you’ll be worshiping, going to family picnics, interacting with these people who have witnessed and observed you online. Guard your heart. Trust God. Be humble.

Just be kind.

Photo by Dayne Topkin on Unsplash

The Lost Art of Listening

I was listening to a podcast a few weeks ago and the interviewee said she had been convicted to listen to what others were really saying instead of hearing what she wanted to respond to.

That really got me thinking. How often do I ‘listen’ to what others are telling me but my mind is actually focused on all the things I'm going to say once they stop talking? We've all had moments that run like this: ‘Oh, they're talking about hiking. I can tell them about the time I went to so-and-so and hiked that steep trail. It was definitely worse than anything they are describing.’ And in the process of thinking about and framing our story, we completely miss what the other person was communicating.

When we are busy formulating how we want to respond before the person has even finished, we are making ourselves more important then anything the other person could be telling us. But when we really listen to others and our aim is to help them, sometimes we don't need to say anything. Sometimes the person that is sharing with us merely needs to share. She doesn't need to hear a lesson based on our experience. She doesn't need to know that we are experts in what she is going through. Often people need a sounding board or they just need to know that someone is there and that you will be praying and that you are willing to listen.

In James 1:19, it says, 'Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.' We seem to use this verse more in terms of not responding in anger. If we are slow to anger and slow to speak, we are less likely to say something out of anger. But I think that we cannot discount the part of the verse that says to be quick to hear. We are becoming a society that does not like to listen to others. We prefer to listen to ourselves, to our own ideas, to our own thoughts. And yet James tells us in that verse we need to be quick — even eager — to listen to what others have to say and we should be slow and thoughtful in the response that we give.

Truly listening to someone not only takes practice; it also takes time. I admit sometimes I'm trying to hurry a conversation along by finishing sentences and summing up in my words what I believe the other person is trying to say. We think we are aiding the conversation but in reality, we are being selfish by not letting the person we are speaking to completely explain himself. There is an epidemic in our society of people hearing what they want to hear or what they expect someone to say in order to prove their point or their point of view. We see this constantly in the political landscape.

But as Christians we should hold ourselves to a higher standard. Jesus demonstrated compassion to those he ministered to and we do not know how to be compassionate and what a person's needs are if we are not first willing to sit next to her and listen to her needs. Sometimes we think listening must equal doing. If we hear of someone's problem, we are obligated to try and fix it. We need to become comfortable with hearing people's opinions, thoughts, and hurts, and not always trying to fix them. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is offer an ear to listen without commentary and a shoulder for them to lean on when they need it and prayers that God will give them wisdom where others are lacking. It really is selfish and arrogant of us to believe we always must be dispensing of our wisdom.

This does not mean that we can never offer advice or that we should always stay silent in the face of others opinions. But we should strive to be more discerning in when and how our advice and opinion is handed out. If we become known as someone who loves to hear our own voice or who enjoys giving advice more than listening, then we will soon not have anyone come to us. Think about your own life. If you have someone that you go to hoping for a listening ear about a struggle and encouragement in prayer with you and instead she talks about how she has successfully navigated that issue and doesn't hear your concerns at all, how likely are you to go to her again? In this situation, we have limited who we can support and encourage by our attitude and lack of concern.

There is a time for everything. There is a time to give advice and there is a time to be silent. A time for us to share our experiences and a time for us to learn from others. We need to be discerning and gracious in how we handle each of these situations and in all things, they must be done and covered in love and prayer.

Photo by Cesar Abner Martinez Aguilar on Unsplash

Taking Time for Words and Pie

It all started with Amelia Bedelia.

This past weekend my mom took my two older kids for the afternoon with an interesting challenge in mind: make a lemon meringue pie from scratch. After reading the first Amelia Bedelia book - where she makes a mess of everything except her famous lemon meringue pie - my oldest daughter was enamored with the idea of making that same dessert. And since making pies isn’t foreign to my mom, she requested that Grammy buy lemons, pull out her recipe book, and start baking!

My son decided to join the adventure because it meant going to Grammy’s house! Of course he wanted to tag along! So it was with excited smiles from the kids that I dropped them off on an autumn Saturday.

Several hours later, my dad dropped them back home with the words, “It took three hours to make two pies but they did it.” And for the next hour my son explained to me how he had been the only one strong enough to squeeze the juice from the lemons. Sister tried and gave up but he could do it. And he had squeezed every lemon. My daughter talked about rolling dough, eating pie crust cookies (Mom bakes the bits of cut off crust with cinnamon and sugar) and homemade lemonade, and spending the day with Grammy.

From an adult perspective it was a fairly unremarkable day, made a little more difficult by ‘helping hands’. But for my kids it was an event. When we finally tasted the pies after church on Sunday neither of them liked it - too sour, too tart, too yellow - but they were very proud to let everyone know how they had contributed to the making of the dessert.

I think sometimes in life we want to do grand gestures for and with others. Invite them for a five course meal, go on a weekend trip, buy the toy our kids are begging for. But sometimes the efforts that seem the smallest to us are the ones that make the biggest impact. Sending a card on their birthday, taking time to listen, texting a greeting if they’re sick, making time to bake.

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Have you ever thought of building others up and showing them grace merely with your words? Both written and spoken words have such power, to build up or to tear down. It might seem like the simplest thing we can do - to speak loving, encouraging words - but we so often overlook it. It doesn’t take money or special skills. It just takes time and a little effort.

When my kids came home bursting at the seams with excitement and pride over their pie making afternoon, they were obviously delighted with the day. My mom had fun too, although probably of a different kind. But isn’t that the way of doing for others?

Photo by Anvision on Unsplash