On the whole, I’m a healthy individual.
I don’t have pressing, life threatening issues that add up to numerous doctor’s appointments. And I’m extremely thankful and don’t take that health for granted because it could be gone in a minute.
The one thing I do struggle with is migraines. For about the last 20 years, I’ve continually dealt with headaches ranging from small throbs to extreme pain. With the passing of time, I seem to discover more things that trigger these migraines and they seem to occur with greater frequency.
One of the most difficult things for me to communicate to others is my pain. Because I’ve dealt with headaches for most of my life, I’ve learned to ‘tune out’ the smaller ones and carry on with life. That means I go to church, carry on conversations, keep playdates, basically live my schedule while being in pain. In one form or another - sometimes mild, sometimes nauseating - I get a headache four-five times a week. That’s my reality.
But I can’t let it stop my life, so I’ve learned when to push through and smile and nod and when I have to hole up alone. There are definitely times when I have to hide away in the dark bedroom with peppermint, a cold washcloth, and hot tea. But if I did that for every headache, I would never leave my house.
However, it’s hard to describe this to others. I don’t like using headaches or migraines to ‘get out’ of things but there have been times when I haven’t been able to participate because the pain was too great. But I’ve also muscled through and gone to meetings while in pain because it was important and my headache wasn’t getting worse.
People have trouble understanding this. I guess headaches have become so commonplace for me that they have to be extremely bad to disrupt my life. But someone who doesn’t get headaches often can be completely floored with one.
I’m not minimizing anyone’s pain or saying I have the highest tolerance. What I’m trying to say is that people who deal with chronic pain of any kind often struggle to know how to describe it and how to communicate how they live with it.
No one likes admitting weakness or the inability to do things. We want to look capable of carrying on with life and what is expected of us. But in dealing with daily pain, it often means having to show a vulnerability and admit that we aren’t strong enough. It also means having to choose what we can and cannot do.
Again, I’m not writing this to complain or make you feel bad about questioning a person dealing with pain. But we do need to be gracious with each other and realize that people are sometimes dealing with unseen pain. Personally, I don’t like walking into a room and declaring I have a migraine. I don’t feel it’s necessary for everyone to know. But if a friend asks if I’m hurting or says I look like I’m in pain, I will be honest and tell them.
If you know someone who struggles with chronic pain, when they aren’t at an event, don’t pounce on them with a hundred questions on how they could miss XYZ. Simply inquire after their wellbeing and mention they were missed. If someone cancels lunch plans, don’t assume they have some dark purpose for avoiding you. It’s possible just getting out of bed that day was an ordeal.
Consider I Peter 4:8-10a: Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another...
Have a quiet and gentle spirit, be ready to listen. Be gracious and patient with each other.
Photo Marina Kraus by on Unsplash.