A New Perspective on Birthdays

We've been in birthday mode at our house this month. My youngest turned one last week and my birthday was a few days after. My two older children were very excited to be planning and preparing for a first birthday party and going out to lunch for my birthday.

Somewhere along the years, birthdays lose the magic they had when we were children. We start dreading the day that rolls around every year, a sign we are another year older. We downplay the day, maybe fudge on our age. The joy of each year bringing new adventures and learning new things doesn't excite us anymore.

I will admit, this year I was not looking forward to my birthday. I didn’t want to admit how old I was turning, even to myself. In the months before, I thought about all the things I haven't done yet, the sleep I've lost because of my kids, the things I've failed at, the people I've hurt. My life doesn’t look like I expected it to at this age. To be blunt, I was discouraged with where I am and all the wasted years.

But after seeing the excitement of my children as they woke up every morning and asked if it was finally a birthday day, I took a long look at what those years behind me meant.

For one thing, the years are a testament of God’s grace and protection in my life. My reaching another birthday is not a surprise to God. He continues to show patience and mercy with me as I follow him, make mistakes, and start following him again.

I’m also not in the same place I was a year ago. I’ve grown in my mothering abilities — not without some failures — I’ve learned more about God through my Bible reading, seen answered prayer, and witnessed people changed. I would like to think I’m more mature but maybe that’s wishful thinking.

As hard as it is to admit that I’ve lived another year that I’ll never get back, when I looked at the attitude I was displaying because of that fact, I was somewhat ashamed. Tommy and I remind our children to ‘Do all things without complaining’ and ‘In everything give thanks’ and I noticed as February drew closer those verses could not be used to describe me.

Have you noticed when you first meet someone with children you ask their ages? The answer gives a clue to what they are able to do, their school grade and what they might be learning. How old you are is big news until you reach mid 20s. Then most people start to answer the age question with, ‘I graduated high school awhile ago,’ or ‘I don’t remember being that young.’ Suddenly our age is perceived as a negative strike against us, instead of the banner we proudly held as a youngster.

Well, I’m thankful for every year of life God has granted me. Every one of those 365 — sometimes 366 days — is a witness that God is patient and gracious and faithful. He has worked in my life and through various situations in every one of my years. Some brought more tears than smiles, others were covered in joy and laughter. But through every year God has been the unchanging guide. I’m no longer ashamed to proclaim my new age. And I am no longer disappointed with the haven’t dones and missed chances of my life. I’m challenging myself and you to give God our days and years and praise him for every one.

And by the way, I turned 35.

Photo by Thomas AE on Unsplash

Happy New Year!!

2019. It doesn’t seem possible yet here we are, at the start of another year.

2018 was filled with…lots of different things. Good, bad, hard, memorable, victories, laughter, tears. We had a baby, we moved, my grandma died, my parents moved, we started another homeschool year, I lost sleep. It’s hard to imagine how 12 months - 365 days - could hold so much. But here we are, on the threshold of doing it all again. Facing the unknown and trusting God to see us through.

Last year my focus was on quieting my heart. Not getting so caught up in what happened that I forgot to take time for God’s Word and peace. For this year, I didn’t choose a word to dwell on but rather a group of words. Over the last several months, the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) has come up in many conversations with my kids and members of our church. Those nine words seem so simple yet put into daily practice become so difficult. So for 2019 I’m thinking, repeating, dwelling, and focusing on those: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. Look for future posts about what I’m learning and how I’m applying them to my life.

For Christmas I received from my sister a journaling Psalter. It is a book with just the Psalms but every other page is blank for notes, thoughts, doodles. Then one of my sisters in law gave me a book about the Psalms and the themes of each one. So expect to see some blog posts about what I’m learning as I read through Psalms this year.

For my daily Bible reading, I’m using my She Reads Truth Bible again and the reading plan that’s in the back of it. This version {Christian Standard} I’ve probably read/heard the least so I decided to read it again. The plan I’m using is two Old Testament and two New Testament chapters each day. It goes through Psalms and the New Testament twice in the year.

I have some goals and projects I’m working on but I’ll save those for another post. Happy January 1! Let’s use this year to serve others, glorify God, and draw closer to our Lord.

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Worship and Bow Down

Merry Christmas!

This morning I read Psalm 95 and it seemed fitting for what we are celebrating today. As we gather around Christmas trees with presents and tables laden with food, let us shout joyfully to God for Who he has given. Let us worship and bow down to our Lord Who offers hope, peace, and joy for today and all our tomorrows.

Psalm 95

1 Oh come, let us sing to the Lord;

let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!

2 Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;

let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!

3 For the Lord is a great God,

and a great King above all gods.

4 In his hand are the depths of the earth;

the heights of the mountains are his also.

5 The sea is his, for he made it,

and his hands formed the dry land.

6 Oh come, let us worship and bow down;

let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker!

7 For he is our God,

and we are the people of his pasture,

and the sheep of his hand.

Today, if you hear his voice,

8 do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah,

as on the day at Massah in the wilderness,

9 when your fathers put me to the test

and put me to the proof, though they had seen my work.

10 For forty years I loathed that generation

and said, "They are a people who go astray in their heart,

and they have not known my ways."

11 Therefore I swore in my wrath,

"They shall not enter my rest."

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One Thing All Children Need

Last week was Thanksgiving and we were able to spend several days with my in-laws and my kids got to play with some of their cousins. As I was talking about mom-stuff with one of my sisters-in-law, we started talking about the different personalities emerging from our growing children. Some of them are more sensitive, others confident, some defiant, some more helpful.

We agreed that we wouldn’t change our kids, even if we could, and it was interesting to see them all interact over three days. One thing we talked about a little was building the confidence of the ones that needed it. And that made me think about a part of childhood I think it’s easy for adults to overlook. Children need encouragement and praise.

Sometimes it’s easy to look at what our children show us - a chore complete, a craft designed, a room cleaned - and it doesn’t meet with what we would consider a good job. So we tell them what’s wrong with the picture they painted, the spots on the window they missed, the wrinkles not straightened on the bedcovers. Instead of looking at the job they did complete and the accomplishment they did do, we are often too quick to point out what is wrong with their effort.

So why is this a problem? Think about it in your present life situation. Do you enjoy always having the negative of your efforts pointed out? Do you enjoy hearing, “Good, but not good enough”? Would you like your boss or spouse or friend to always tell you what you are doing wrong? I believe if we are honest we have all been in that position and found it uncomfortable and frustrating. Why try our best when we know it will be picked apart and all our work will be devalued?

For the Christian, we know that God has created everyone and given everyone talents and abilities to use for his glory. Children are learning not only how to do things like chores and drawing and reading and serving, they are learning how they can use their particular talents in a broader sense to serve God. But if their tries and efforts are constantly ignored or corrected without any mention of well done, good try, etc, they will soon stop trying and maybe think they aren’t good enough at anything to contribute to.

Before I go on, I want to point out I’m not advocating we never tell children no or instruct them in how to do things. Children need guidance and help, especially when learning a new skill or task. And many times a firm no is needed to keep children from danger they don’t see or recognize. However, it is possible to guide and instruct, to correct and rebuke in a loving way and with some positive remarks.

I struggle with this sometimes. It’s not easy to put aside our first reaction and choose something more loving. But one recent event keeps coming to mind that taught me so much about the importance of choosing encouraging words over critical ones.

My children have their own bathroom with a large counter and mirror. I have occasionally given them the Windex and papertowels and asked them to clean their area. One day my four year old son came running to get me with pure excitement on his face. He took my hand and dragged me into their bathroom with a triumphant point at the mirror. You couldn’t see your reflection for all the smears and smudges. He quickly explained that he saw the mirror was dirty, grabbed his spray bottle full of water, and went to town, wiping it all with a washcloth. My first thought was to be upset that he had created more work for me. But then I looked at his face - practically glowing with pride - and I changed my response. With a hug, I told him I appreciated his desire to help without being asked but then I reminded him we use a special spray bottle to clean mirrors. I took what he would need into the bathroom and he cleaned the whole mirror again, just as excited as before. After another hug, I told him he could clean the bathroom whenever he wanted but to ask me for the special spray first.

Children really do thrive with just a few words of encouragement. A thank you or good job can go so far. And you don’t have to only praise your kids! If you work with children in sports, school, church, etc, recognize their efforts and congratulate them on a job or a try well done.

I’m afraid sometimes we withhold praise because we don’t want our children to think they are perfect or above others. But trust me, my children know they are sinners, that Jesus is the only perfect person, and that everyone on earth is created equal in God’s eyes. But I also want them to know I see their efforts, I appreciate their tries and attempts with new things. I never want them to give up because of something negative I said to them.

How can you encourage your children today?

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Parenting a Perfectionist

I am not a perfectionist. I want things to look nice, be organized, have symmetry. But if I color outside the lines, don't evenly frost the cupcakes, or have to try something a second time I'm okay with it.

My oldest daughter, however, is a perfectionist. And even when she was 3 she would be frustrated if her drawing didn't look exactly the way she had imagined. When we started school she wanted to do everything perfectly the first time. When she started piano she bemoaned the fact that she would have to practice a song more than twice before she could play it well.

As a non-perfectionist I found it difficult to understand why such small things would cause her so much frustration. I tried assuring her that trying and failing were natural parts of human life. No one does anything perfect the first time, no one can get away with never improving, and everyone has lessons to learn in the process.

I am by no means the authority on parenting a perfectionist {especially since I am not one} and I do not fully understand the necessity to have everything exact. But one thing I have learned in trying to help my daughter is that everyone has their own standard of perfection. What looks acceptable to me causes my daughter to cringe and ask if I'm going to leave it looking like that.

I don't judge my daughter for wanting things to be a certain way. This is part of her personality, part of who God made her to be. It's important to remember that even in her perfectionist tendencies she can serve the Lord. My job as a parent is to guide her and show her how to use that perfectionism with the correct attitude and responsibility.

Parents are not supposed to mold their children to who they wish they would be. Rather we are to see the children that God has given us and realize he created them to be who they are and to use their unique gifts for him.

I believe part of parenting a perfectionist is to allow them to try different things. Don't discourage them from trying because you don't want to deal with the fallout when they fail. Part of growing up is failing, learning from those mistakes, and tackling the issue again. We need to help our children realize that things still take time, they still take effort, and they are certainly worth both.

As parents we can use these moments for spiritual teaching. The truth is our children will never be perfect this side of heaven. Only Jesus can claim a perfect life and part of our humanity is depending on him to fully use the talents we have. God doesn't require or expect us to be perfect before he will love us. He loves us regardless. Romans 5:8 reminds us we were still sinners - imperfect before a holy God - and God loved us. While desiring everything to be just so might be part of a child's personality, we need to be careful as parents that he or she never believes something in that behavior brings them closer to God.

It's easy as parents to be frustrated when our children are not like us therefore we don't know how to relate to them. But I have found the most important things we can do are to pray for them and to pray that God would give us the wisdom to know how to parent them.

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A Few Favorites

I think it's important now and again to remember things that bring us joy. It's easy to get bogged down in the worries and frustrations of life and never look at the good and beautiful moments around us. So here's a brief list of things that bring me joy.

Watching my kids learn

Reading a book that challenges me

Laughing with my husband

Writing anything

Coffee dates with friends

Arranging fresh flowers

Organizing anything!

Fresh homemade cinnamon rolls

This is just a small list but a good start! What are your joys that are often overlooked? 

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What 12 Years of Marriage Have Taught Me

Todayis our 12th wedding anniversary. Time passes too quickly! When I got married I was young, sure I knew what was going on and what was to come. Marriage was a wake up, to say the least. There are no premarital classes, books, how tos, or lectures that can fully prepare you for the everyday selfless decisions that sharing your life with a spouse brings. But with the hard comes joy, growth, and lessons learned.

I like to think I've grown a little in 12 years and as I reflect here's a brief list of things I've learned.

1. Communication never stops being important. No matter how well you know each other or think you know what the other one will say, nothing beats actually talking. If something is bothering you, let it out (this is one I'm still working on). Take time each day to chat, even about mundane things. With kids this becomes more difficult but make a point of connecting in conversation everyday. While I make dinner Tommy will tell me something he learned from a podcast or the news. I'll share something from my day with him. Before bed every night I ask Tommy if there's anything he needs me to do the next day. He asks me if there are things I need help with. Communication doesn't have to be a huge, formal affair. It's simply connecting.

2. Don't refuse to try something new. Part of marriage is discovering how you are similar and how you are different. When we got married camping was not part of my vocabulary. But Tommy really loved being in the outdoors and all that camping offers. When our oldest was 9 months we went tent camping...and decided to hold off a few years. Last summer we went twice and had a great time. We have both made compromises and communicated (!!) what we like and don’t like about certain activities. We’ve recently discovered Pickle Ball which we can both play and enjoy - Tommy for the ping pong aspect, me the tennis aspect.

3. Your marriage doesn’t have to look like your parents marriage. I naively assumed after we got married that what my dad did Tommy would naturally do. Take out the trash each night, keep up with bills, clear the dinner table. He assumed I would sweep the floor daily, dust everytime I walked by something, fix three meals a day. We grew up in different homes so - even though we were raised with similar values - the working out of everything looked different. We have come to a place where there isn’t ‘his jobs vs her jobs’. If something needs to be done, whoever is able to will do it. Tommy does keep track of our finances but he keeps me in the loop of how much things cost, etc. I usually make dinner but he’ll pitch in with the clean up. Yesterday he vacuumed the upstairs. Marriage is about working together to glorify God. And that working together looks different for different couples.

4. There has to be a leader in the family. Tommy is the leader of our house in terms of spiritual guidance, big decisions, etc. but he talks with me about the decisions he’s making, his reasoning for them, and he makes sure I’m comfortable with it. I respect him and I know he would never make decisions without first praying. I have always felt able to take concerns I have to him and he will hear me out. He respects my opinion and knows I see things in a different light that maybe he didn’t consider. When we talk about things like child discipline, moving, how we school our kids, budgeting, etc., we both have a voice in the discussion, we both have the responsibility to pray, and I choose to submit to and trust his end decision for our family.

5. God is good. It doesn’t take marriage to figure this one out but I’ve definitely seen God’s work on display in the last 12 years. From Tommy finishing grad school debt free to providing financially when things were tight, keeping us safe in a car accident to giving us four children - one we’ll meet in heaven. God is always good and He doesn’t hesitate to show us His love in amazing ways.

I’ve learned more than these five things but we’ll stop for now. Happy anniversary, Tommy! Love and appreciate you more each day and so thankful God brought us together all those years ago.

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What Is Important in Mothering

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. There have been days when I get in bed at the end of a long 15 hours and feel like I have barely survived. However on these days of just surviving I feel guilty for all I have not been able to do with my children simply because of my attitude of just needing to get through.

Just finish the dishes. Just fold that pile of laundry. Just think of something to make for dinner.

While every task we do is important and necessary for the smooth function of a house, we often get bogged down in so much of the doing that our focus is on having to do it rather than getting to do it.

Parenting is just about the most selfless thing you can do. Especially when your children are young and depend on you for everything, their needs come first. They eat before you do, sleep before you do. If they are cranky from a new tooth coming in you battle through with them.

But while motherhood is difficult it is also a joy and a privilege. We are entrusted with these little ones to lead them to Christ, to be an example. In Deuteronomy 6 parents are given a series of commands that they are to pass on to their children.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. (Deut. 6:5-7)

Here we see the greatest call of parenting: to teach them diligently. But not just anything. We are to teach them to love God not only during family devotionals or when we walk into church together. It is to be a constant, continuous example of loving God in everything we do. Our children should not just hear of our love for God; they should see it in our actions.

Living in survival mode takes the joy out of parenting. We frantically try to do it all and get frustrated when we get nothing done. It also shows our children what is most important and who we are relying on. I’ll be the first to admit I usually don’t have the energy or strength to get done what I need to in a day. And some days it takes me longer than I would like to get the house in order. But as long as I’m doing what God has called me to as a mom and wife and my family knows I love and care for them, I’m doing the most important thing.

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Five Novels You Have Time to Read

We're all busy. I get it. And often sitting down to read just feels like too much of a luxury. Or maybe you're one of those people who doesn't enjoy reading (I don't understand you but please keep reading! This post is for you too!). I consider reading relaxing and a great way to learn about new things. But with three young kids, housework, cooking, ministry to keep up with my reading time is significantly less than it used to be.

That hasn’t stopped me from stacking books to read on my nightstand and filling up my library account with holds. However, because my time is more limited now, I’m becoming more choosy about what I’ll spend time reading. Every book that looks interesting doesn’t get a pass like it used to. I measure how interested I am in the subject, how well I like the author, what benefit the book will have on me. I hate starting a book and not being able to finish it. There is a very short list of books I have started and not completed - most of them because of objectionable material that I just couldn’t put up with. So when I pick up a book, I want to know it’s something I will want to read and complete without feeling like I’ve wasted my time.

I know others are in the same situation. They may not take it as far as I do - I’ve been seen stirring spaghetti sauce while reading a book because I just couldn’t stop reading but my family still wanted to eat - but many busy women out there are trying to tackle their TBR lists and still keep life running smooth.

So here is my current list of novels that I think are worth your short, precious time to read.

The Butterfly and the Violin and A Sparrow in Terezin by Kristy Cambron

These dual time historical novels are beautiful and tragic. The present day stories follow the same woman as she learns about two different heroines during World War II. What they endured will haunt you.

The Light Between Oceans by M. L. Stedman

A lighthouse keeper in 1920s Australia is torn between helping his distraught wife and following the law when a boat containing a baby washes ashore. The anguish he goes through and the resolution to the twisted lies they lead will bring you to tears. The movie was good but the book was much better.

As Bright as Heaven and Secrets of a Charmed Life by Susan Messiner

The first one is about a family newly in the funeral business when the flu epidemic of 1918 hits Philadelphia. One decision leads to events that trickle through the next decade. The second novel finds two sisters in London before the Blitz during World War II. Guilt drives one of them the rest of her life as she tries to undo one fateful morning.

While I have many other books that I’ve enjoyed, these are the ones that I kept thinking about long after closing the back cover. I’m working on a post of non fiction reads that I’ve enjoyed so keep your eyes open for that in the coming weeks.

What’s a book that has influenced you?

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Lessons from My Children

I think we can all admit that being a mom is rarely what we imagine it to be. We either think it's going to be one awesome memory after another or we picture ourselves swimming in dirty laundry and sippy cups.
But being a mom has taught me more than I thought possible - about myself, my life, my God. Here are a few of my musings.

1) Kids make messes...but it's okay
When my oldest daughter was first born, her room was spotless. Toys were organized, books arranged by size and subject, stuffed animals positioned in the window seat. It stayed like that until she started getting around. Then it was chaos. The teapot was separated from the cups, the books ended up in the toy bin. Each night I would look at the room and think, "This is not what I pictured." 
By the time my son was born, I had changed by views of reality. When he's letting his imagination soar and stomping dinosaurs all over the Legos, I merely smile and shake my head. When my daughter has toys spread across the room I remember the mess my mom put up with when I was young (I had Barbies take over the living room when I was little).
I still like my things tidy (see the next point) but I'm not allowing the mess of childhood to ruin my outlook. If I don't let my kids play with their toys, why have toys? How are they learning and exploring and creating? I want my kids to view our home as their own, a safe and fun place.

2) I'm slightly OCD...but my kids don't have to be
I firmly believe in a place for everything and everything in its place. I have a set place for each pair of earrings, each necklace, my books are alphabetized by author name and in categories. I used to try to keep my whole house this way. Comfortable for me and me knowing where everything is. Kids changed that. I still keep my spaces (closet, bathroom, office, nightstand) in an order easy for me. But I'm learning to let my kids organize and arrange things in their spaces how they want. I can guide them of course but if they are always moving the craft supplies from my arrangement to a different arrangement, maybe I need to evaluate.
I don't want my kids to depend on my ways to do things so much they don't think or try things for themselves. Part of being a parent is showing by example, giving direction, and letting your kids go. It's not easy and I'm still working on not always imposing my desires on them. But as they get older, I want to give them that freedom. To be themselves and not small versions of me.

3) My house will not look like Pottery Barn...but whose house does (if we're honest)
One of the downfalls of social media is seeing the amazing homes of our friends. I've always wanted my living room to look like that!! I love that rug!! Wow, her kitchen!
Many times we don't think of ourselves as discontent - and maybe we really aren't. But once we see what a 'perfect' house other moms are able to keep up, we can start to feel like failures or that we don't measure up. I remember thinking I must be the only mom who had dishes on the counter and unswept floors. Everyone else was posting beautifully staged living spaces with perfectly fluffed pillows and seasonal appropriate decor. That's when the reality of those photos hit me. Staged. Cleaned up spaces with great light from the perfect angle when the photo was taken. Now, that doesn't mean we can't stage our pictures. But it does mean we need to realize that lived in spaces don't equal perfect spaces all the time, at least in the aesthetic sense. Enjoy the home you have. Chances are the home you're coveting has dust bunnies behind the camera.

4) Enjoy the everyday...because it'll never come again
That sounds a little fatalistic! But it's so true and having kids helped me see how much I needed to appreciate even the little things. Kids are so innocent and find joy in the simplest ways. For instance, my kids love bubblewrap. If a package arrives with a sheet of bubblewrap inside, my kids are set for the afternoon. They laugh at each pop, running through the house with their treasure. Yes, some days are overwhelming and I just want a minute of peace. But seeing the excitement my kids have for the littlest things makes me want to savor the day. Each day will have moments of frustration or discouragement, but looking for those happy times keeps me grounded and thankful.

5) My strength is small...but God's is great
Because my son has never been a fan of sleeping, I lived in a state of exhaustion for several years. There were a few times of renewal, a handful of nights with uninterrupted sleep. Then we had another baby who fights sleep as much as her brother and the cycle has continued. Many moms just say it's the season they are in and expect to be tired. But it can still be discouraging and hard, even when you know this season has to end...someday.
When I start to feel like I can't go on - when I've corrected the same problem again and again, when I clean up another spill, when the day passes and nothing gets crossed off my to-do list - I realize the grace and strength God provides us. Yes, I can't do this parenting thing on my own (or even just with my husband, who is awesome). I need Someone I can rest in. Someone mightier than me. Carving out a few minutes each day to dwell in God's Word and remember who I am compared to God is crucial. It sometimes means slipping into the bedroom while the kids eat lunch. Or letting them play on tablet so I can read my Bible uninterrupted for 20 minutes. Above all, it means not trying to parent in my own strength or wisdom.

I'm sure more lessons await me on this parenting journey. What have your kids taught you?

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