Thoughts as I Enter 40

I remember when my parents turned 40. I was 9, 10 years old and 40 seemed like an age I would never reach. Last Saturday, I turned 40.

For the last little bit, I’ve been thinking about this milestone age and what lessons I can take into the next decade. My 20s and 30s were filled with a lot of changes: getting married, moving across country, having kids, ministry life, homeschooling. And I learned a lot through all those experiences. Something about hitting a new decade made me look back and consider what to take with me.

Take time to think before you speak. As I’ve gotten older, some things seem easier, others more difficult. I remember the younger me rattling off all my thoughts, spur of the moment, never considering if there was nuance or gray areas. Everything was black and white to me; what I liked, what I disliked, right and wrong, helpful and hurtful. Age has drawn me in, brought me to moments of reflecting for days and still being hesitant to verbalize my thoughts. It’s not that my standards have changed. What I view as morally wrong and right are the same, but I’d like to think I’m more considerate in how I share my views or maybe I’m more particular about when I voice my opinion at all.

Choose your attitude. I’ve heard that one thing you can always control is your attitude. Outside pressures and perception from others, things running late or failing are usually outside our control. But we can decide how these unexpected things will affect us. Attitude matters. I think after having kids this became more apparent to me! Having a joyful or positive outlook can make even a difficult day a little better. And who doesn’t want to be around a happy person!? When I think of this in light of sanctification, it doesn’t mean we paste on a smile and never show sorrow or frustration. But it does mean that we don’t allow those circumstances to dictate how we treat people or deal with life.

Popularity does not equal value. So much of our current culture is obsessed with likes, clicks, and being viewed positively. People flock to concerts and sporting events to be able to participate in the “it moment” of right now. If you are popular you are listened to, even if you have nothing worth listening to. The more “followers” you have, the better chance of landing a book deal, TV spot, sponsorship, etc. Being popular is the idol so many are striving for. But popularity does not make a person correct, smart, informed, or kind. The world is full of interesting stories and people and experiences that are largely ignored because we don’t believe they are as valuable as the stories and thoughts of a popular person. In the life of a Christian, it shouldn’t be this way. We shouldn’t clamor for the latest and greatest in the eyes of the world. We shouldn’t judge a person’s value on what they think or contribute to society. Every life is valuable and precious, every story worth listening to.

I’m still processing, I’m still learning. It will be a lifelong pursuit and not just something for entering this decade. But I’m thankful for the opportunity and space to consider these things. And my hope is that they spur you on to think too, no matter what age you find yourself.

Photo by Bruce Tang on Unsplash

Parenting a Perfectionist

I am not a perfectionist. I want things to look nice, be organized, have symmetry. But if I color outside the lines, don't evenly frost the cupcakes, or have to try something a second time I'm okay with it.

My oldest daughter, however, is a perfectionist. And even when she was 3 she would be frustrated if her drawing didn't look exactly the way she had imagined. When we started school she wanted to do everything perfectly the first time. When she started piano she bemoaned the fact that she would have to practice a song more than twice before she could play it well.

As a non-perfectionist I found it difficult to understand why such small things would cause her so much frustration. I tried assuring her that trying and failing were natural parts of human life. No one does anything perfect the first time, no one can get away with never improving, and everyone has lessons to learn in the process.

I am by no means the authority on parenting a perfectionist {especially since I am not one} and I do not fully understand the necessity to have everything exact. But one thing I have learned in trying to help my daughter is that everyone has their own standard of perfection. What looks acceptable to me causes my daughter to cringe and ask if I'm going to leave it looking like that.

I don't judge my daughter for wanting things to be a certain way. This is part of her personality, part of who God made her to be. It's important to remember that even in her perfectionist tendencies she can serve the Lord. My job as a parent is to guide her and show her how to use that perfectionism with the correct attitude and responsibility.

Parents are not supposed to mold their children to who they wish they would be. Rather we are to see the children that God has given us and realize he created them to be who they are and to use their unique gifts for him.

I believe part of parenting a perfectionist is to allow them to try different things. Don't discourage them from trying because you don't want to deal with the fallout when they fail. Part of growing up is failing, learning from those mistakes, and tackling the issue again. We need to help our children realize that things still take time, they still take effort, and they are certainly worth both.

As parents we can use these moments for spiritual teaching. The truth is our children will never be perfect this side of heaven. Only Jesus can claim a perfect life and part of our humanity is depending on him to fully use the talents we have. God doesn't require or expect us to be perfect before he will love us. He loves us regardless. Romans 5:8 reminds us we were still sinners - imperfect before a holy God - and God loved us. While desiring everything to be just so might be part of a child's personality, we need to be careful as parents that he or she never believes something in that behavior brings them closer to God.

It's easy as parents to be frustrated when our children are not like us therefore we don't know how to relate to them. But I have found the most important things we can do are to pray for them and to pray that God would give us the wisdom to know how to parent them.

Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

Ministering as an Introvert

(This was previously posted on acjeffcott.blogspot.com)

I remember when I was younger - I don't know how old I was but it was before high school - I heard my mom tell someone she struggled with meeting new people. I remember not understanding what she meant by that. I never thought of my mom as shy or unsure in new situations.
And I certainly didn't consider myself an introvert. I loved to perform and make people laugh and spend time with friends. But sometimes things change.
When I was entering 10th grade, we moved across country and I started attending school for the first time after being homeschooled. I knew four girls in the school and they had been emailing me over the summer. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through that first year without them. They introduced me to more people, showed me the ropes of school, and let me tag along everyday to eat lunch with them.
It was about this time that I noticed my attitude changing. I enjoyed being with my friends, laughing at their antics and stories {and boy could we laugh!!}. I met more people who became life long friends and I experienced things I never would have if God hadn't moved my family. But I found myself walking by new people and just smiling instead of introducing myself. I didn't jump at the chance to get my driver's license because when I got home after school, I just wanted to stay home {I waited until I was 19 to get my license but I do have it now}. I was self conscious and afraid I would say the wrong thing to someone, probably because I'd said the wrong thing a lot.
As I entered college, I kept the same group of friends close. We all attended the same university and I was comfortable within my small circle. I roomed in the dorms with my best friend from high school and we have some amazing memories together. I laugh just thinking about them! :)  A lot of my friends branched out, finding new friends, doing other things. I sometimes envied their ability to make friends. They could find things in common - shared hobbies and talents and interests - with other people so easily. They were the people others wanted to be around because they were fun and interesting. I never felt confident like that.
Starting my sophomore year, I moved home and became a town student. Most of my classes were filled with people I didn't know. I would enter class, smile, maybe say hello. But I couldn't muster the nerve to start a conversation with anyone. If they talked to me, I would happily chat and then wave when I saw them elsewhere on campus. I went to soccer games but only if I knew friends were going or I could convince them to go with me. I skipped lunch rather than sit alone or ask someone to eat with me. I was always afraid of inconveniencing someone or putting them on the spot, making them feel like they needed to say yes so I just didn't ask. I found a quiet spot in the library and read or wrote or watched the people I was too nervous to talk to.
I graduated, got married, and now I'm a pastor's wife. I love ministry and our church family but it's not always easy for me. People think that walking up to visitors and asking them questions is natural for me. It honestly isn't! It's a struggle because I want to stay in my comfort zone, talking with people I know and having the confidence to be myself.
It really comes down to a matter of pride in some cases. I'm afraid how people will view me, what they'll think of me. You know what they say about first impressions. And that fear drives me to seek out the comfort of people I already know. Where I know what to talk about with ease instead of searching for appropriate questions.
I guess the funniest thing is, if you asked my friends, they would probably laugh at the thought of Angela the Introvert. And I finally understand what my mom meant. Being an introvert doesn't always mean you hate being with people or you are anti-social and just sit in your home all day.
For me it's having difficulty putting myself out there. I've said the wrong thing to someone, hurt feelings, broken a promise. And I hate the thought of doing that again. Of disappointing someone. So when I don't know someone, I often choose to smile and wave and wait for them to approach me with an offer of friendship. And as I get to know them, I come out of my shell and become the Angela who, as a senior in high school, was voted as having the loudest and most memorable laugh. {It's often likened to a witch's cackle. Their words, not mine.}
Fortunately for me, anything I do isn't done in my own strength. Or at least I shouldn't try to do it that way. God has called me to where I am, doing what I'm doing. And he's given me what I need to fulfill the role I'm in. As a wife, mother, pastor's wife, friend. He hasn't called me to compare myself with all the amazing, outgoing, talented friends I have. I'm to use the talents he's equipped me with.
Have you ever bemoaned not being able to serve God like so-and-so? Or been so intimidated by someone else's skills you never attempted to serve the way she does? I think God brings people like that in our lives to humble us and to make us rely on Him more. The question is if we follow through with the ministry he has for us. Introverts and all.

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash

What 12 Years of Marriage Have Taught Me

Todayis our 12th wedding anniversary. Time passes too quickly! When I got married I was young, sure I knew what was going on and what was to come. Marriage was a wake up, to say the least. There are no premarital classes, books, how tos, or lectures that can fully prepare you for the everyday selfless decisions that sharing your life with a spouse brings. But with the hard comes joy, growth, and lessons learned.

I like to think I've grown a little in 12 years and as I reflect here's a brief list of things I've learned.

1. Communication never stops being important. No matter how well you know each other or think you know what the other one will say, nothing beats actually talking. If something is bothering you, let it out (this is one I'm still working on). Take time each day to chat, even about mundane things. With kids this becomes more difficult but make a point of connecting in conversation everyday. While I make dinner Tommy will tell me something he learned from a podcast or the news. I'll share something from my day with him. Before bed every night I ask Tommy if there's anything he needs me to do the next day. He asks me if there are things I need help with. Communication doesn't have to be a huge, formal affair. It's simply connecting.

2. Don't refuse to try something new. Part of marriage is discovering how you are similar and how you are different. When we got married camping was not part of my vocabulary. But Tommy really loved being in the outdoors and all that camping offers. When our oldest was 9 months we went tent camping...and decided to hold off a few years. Last summer we went twice and had a great time. We have both made compromises and communicated (!!) what we like and don’t like about certain activities. We’ve recently discovered Pickle Ball which we can both play and enjoy - Tommy for the ping pong aspect, me the tennis aspect.

3. Your marriage doesn’t have to look like your parents marriage. I naively assumed after we got married that what my dad did Tommy would naturally do. Take out the trash each night, keep up with bills, clear the dinner table. He assumed I would sweep the floor daily, dust everytime I walked by something, fix three meals a day. We grew up in different homes so - even though we were raised with similar values - the working out of everything looked different. We have come to a place where there isn’t ‘his jobs vs her jobs’. If something needs to be done, whoever is able to will do it. Tommy does keep track of our finances but he keeps me in the loop of how much things cost, etc. I usually make dinner but he’ll pitch in with the clean up. Yesterday he vacuumed the upstairs. Marriage is about working together to glorify God. And that working together looks different for different couples.

4. There has to be a leader in the family. Tommy is the leader of our house in terms of spiritual guidance, big decisions, etc. but he talks with me about the decisions he’s making, his reasoning for them, and he makes sure I’m comfortable with it. I respect him and I know he would never make decisions without first praying. I have always felt able to take concerns I have to him and he will hear me out. He respects my opinion and knows I see things in a different light that maybe he didn’t consider. When we talk about things like child discipline, moving, how we school our kids, budgeting, etc., we both have a voice in the discussion, we both have the responsibility to pray, and I choose to submit to and trust his end decision for our family.

5. God is good. It doesn’t take marriage to figure this one out but I’ve definitely seen God’s work on display in the last 12 years. From Tommy finishing grad school debt free to providing financially when things were tight, keeping us safe in a car accident to giving us four children - one we’ll meet in heaven. God is always good and He doesn’t hesitate to show us His love in amazing ways.

I’ve learned more than these five things but we’ll stop for now. Happy anniversary, Tommy! Love and appreciate you more each day and so thankful God brought us together all those years ago.

Photo by Andrew Seaman on Unsplash

Lessons from My Children

I think we can all admit that being a mom is rarely what we imagine it to be. We either think it's going to be one awesome memory after another or we picture ourselves swimming in dirty laundry and sippy cups.
But being a mom has taught me more than I thought possible - about myself, my life, my God. Here are a few of my musings.

1) Kids make messes...but it's okay
When my oldest daughter was first born, her room was spotless. Toys were organized, books arranged by size and subject, stuffed animals positioned in the window seat. It stayed like that until she started getting around. Then it was chaos. The teapot was separated from the cups, the books ended up in the toy bin. Each night I would look at the room and think, "This is not what I pictured." 
By the time my son was born, I had changed by views of reality. When he's letting his imagination soar and stomping dinosaurs all over the Legos, I merely smile and shake my head. When my daughter has toys spread across the room I remember the mess my mom put up with when I was young (I had Barbies take over the living room when I was little).
I still like my things tidy (see the next point) but I'm not allowing the mess of childhood to ruin my outlook. If I don't let my kids play with their toys, why have toys? How are they learning and exploring and creating? I want my kids to view our home as their own, a safe and fun place.

2) I'm slightly OCD...but my kids don't have to be
I firmly believe in a place for everything and everything in its place. I have a set place for each pair of earrings, each necklace, my books are alphabetized by author name and in categories. I used to try to keep my whole house this way. Comfortable for me and me knowing where everything is. Kids changed that. I still keep my spaces (closet, bathroom, office, nightstand) in an order easy for me. But I'm learning to let my kids organize and arrange things in their spaces how they want. I can guide them of course but if they are always moving the craft supplies from my arrangement to a different arrangement, maybe I need to evaluate.
I don't want my kids to depend on my ways to do things so much they don't think or try things for themselves. Part of being a parent is showing by example, giving direction, and letting your kids go. It's not easy and I'm still working on not always imposing my desires on them. But as they get older, I want to give them that freedom. To be themselves and not small versions of me.

3) My house will not look like Pottery Barn...but whose house does (if we're honest)
One of the downfalls of social media is seeing the amazing homes of our friends. I've always wanted my living room to look like that!! I love that rug!! Wow, her kitchen!
Many times we don't think of ourselves as discontent - and maybe we really aren't. But once we see what a 'perfect' house other moms are able to keep up, we can start to feel like failures or that we don't measure up. I remember thinking I must be the only mom who had dishes on the counter and unswept floors. Everyone else was posting beautifully staged living spaces with perfectly fluffed pillows and seasonal appropriate decor. That's when the reality of those photos hit me. Staged. Cleaned up spaces with great light from the perfect angle when the photo was taken. Now, that doesn't mean we can't stage our pictures. But it does mean we need to realize that lived in spaces don't equal perfect spaces all the time, at least in the aesthetic sense. Enjoy the home you have. Chances are the home you're coveting has dust bunnies behind the camera.

4) Enjoy the everyday...because it'll never come again
That sounds a little fatalistic! But it's so true and having kids helped me see how much I needed to appreciate even the little things. Kids are so innocent and find joy in the simplest ways. For instance, my kids love bubblewrap. If a package arrives with a sheet of bubblewrap inside, my kids are set for the afternoon. They laugh at each pop, running through the house with their treasure. Yes, some days are overwhelming and I just want a minute of peace. But seeing the excitement my kids have for the littlest things makes me want to savor the day. Each day will have moments of frustration or discouragement, but looking for those happy times keeps me grounded and thankful.

5) My strength is small...but God's is great
Because my son has never been a fan of sleeping, I lived in a state of exhaustion for several years. There were a few times of renewal, a handful of nights with uninterrupted sleep. Then we had another baby who fights sleep as much as her brother and the cycle has continued. Many moms just say it's the season they are in and expect to be tired. But it can still be discouraging and hard, even when you know this season has to end...someday.
When I start to feel like I can't go on - when I've corrected the same problem again and again, when I clean up another spill, when the day passes and nothing gets crossed off my to-do list - I realize the grace and strength God provides us. Yes, I can't do this parenting thing on my own (or even just with my husband, who is awesome). I need Someone I can rest in. Someone mightier than me. Carving out a few minutes each day to dwell in God's Word and remember who I am compared to God is crucial. It sometimes means slipping into the bedroom while the kids eat lunch. Or letting them play on tablet so I can read my Bible uninterrupted for 20 minutes. Above all, it means not trying to parent in my own strength or wisdom.

I'm sure more lessons await me on this parenting journey. What have your kids taught you?

Photo by Kari Shea on Unsplash