Communicating with Our Children

One of the joys of having children is watching them grow, seeing personalities and interests and talents emerge, being able to participate in such an intimate way with someone’s life. It’s a huge responsibility but it’s also a blessing.

As my children grow older, I notice shifts happening, slowly but steadily, as they gain more independence and foster interests. For one, they become more serious. They notice the world around them in a different way and are more aware of the dangers. They don’t always laugh at the simple things anymore and it takes more to impress them.

They also are not as forthcoming with their every thought. My three children have all been early talkers and there are definitely times when the constant conversation in my home is draining. A never ending commentary takes place from the minute they wake up until they reluctantly fall asleep. Even during meals they make noise. But as my oldest daughter grows, I feel a pull to draw her into the conversation, to ask about her day or friends because she’s not always volunteering the information.

I believe communication is a vital yet often overlooked part of raising children. When my children were younger, I remember reading much literature on the benefits of reading aloud to your children. We made weekly trips to the library and I would sit everyday and read aloud our selections, pointing to each word and sounding out longer ones.

As I mentioned, my children were early talkers and had a large vocabulary. I believe part of this is because I constantly talked with my children before they could respond. I remember many grocery trips, my oldest barely big enough to sit in the cart on her own, and I would talk about what we were buying, what I would make with the ingredients, what was on our list. I received many looks for chatting it up with a five month old but I honestly believe it’s important to start talking with kids, even before they can understand.

Equally important is listening. When children think we aren’t paying attention, they will eventually stop trying. When they are telling us a story and we continue scrolling on our phones or they ask a question and we brush it off because we’re too busy, it communicates that we don’t value or care about what they are saying. Not listening communicates as much as words.

I’m at the stage of motherhood where I feel like a lot of what I communicate are the don’ts.

Don’t touch that.

Don’t draw on that.

Don’t hit.

Don’t stick out your tongue.

Don’t, don’t, don’t….

It’s exhausting and can feel very discouraging. No one wants to be remembered as the mom who didn’t say anything positive. So I’ve tried — and am still trying — to include praise, encouragement, and honest conversations in my daily life with my children. When they help, I say thank you. When they achieve something, I notice and say good work. When they are afraid, I talk about a time I was afraid and what helped me. I ask questions about their day, their interests, what excites them. When they have an idea, I try to listen. I look them in the eye. I give them my attention.

All these things add up to make them feel loved and valued and important. And that makes them want to communicate. I’m not by any means perfect at this and we haven’t hit teen years yet, but I’m encouraged by the number of times my kids will seek me out, sit down, and just start talking. They ask me questions. They tell me why they’re sad or frustrated. And we talk about it.

Don’t wait until you think your kids are listening or until they are old enough to understand. Start talking with them now! About little, mundane, ordinary things. Don’t talk with them just about big, life changing moments. Lay the foundation today for the relationship you want tomorrow.

Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash

Things I've Learned from Homeschooling

We have finished our fifth year of homeschooling!

Even though I knew I wanted to homeschool my kids before we even had kids, each year that we successfully complete is a triumph but also kind of amazing! Homeschooling is an opportunity that I am very grateful for but it’s not the easiest option, it’s not always the most convenient option, and it’s a responsibility I don’t take lightly or flippantly. It’s definitely a choice that we make every year and go into with much prayer.

I’ve had so many people ask me about homeschooling and how we do it year after year. To be honest, we look at just the year in front of us and plan our best for that year’s needs. I’m also changing routines and aspects of our school days each year based on what worked the previous year, what didn’t, what my kids are interested in, how they learn best, and how they’re developing. Learning is not a static process and I don’t treat our school that way.

Although I love homeschooling and recommend it without reservation, I know people’s situations are different, there isn’t one answer to good education, and I try to never disparage another parent’s decision about education. That said, I want to share some things I’ve learned about homeschooling and present an honest truth from my own experiences.

I don’t have to know everything before I teach my children. One of the most humbling things about teaching is realizing all the things you’ve forgotten. Especially as my oldest gets into complicated math problems, more complex literature and grammar rules, and deeper science theories, I find myself with a niggling in my mind that at one time I did learn these things; I just don’t completely remember them. So I have to review, work a few long division problems, watch some YouTube videos about diagramming sentences, and move forward with my daughter.

Not everyday is the same. Because I like planning and routine, I used to set out with grand plans for everything we would do each hour of our school day. But those aren’t practical for us or very sustainable. I know some homeschooling families are much more structured but one of the beauties of homeschooling is making it fit with your family. Sometimes history takes us 15 minutes, other days we’ll stop after 45. If something is resonating and sparking questions, we’ll dwell on it a little more. When my daughter was learning about sand being heated to make glass, she asked about the process and we watched a few YouTube videos that showed the glass making process. That led to a conversation about recycling, how things are recycled, and another video on that topic. We are flexible and I’m thankful for the option.

Learning can look different than books. I love reading and beautiful illustrations and diagrams and maps. To me, books are great treasures for learning about things. They can involve your imagination and emotions and teach you in ways other mediums can’t. There’s nothing like holding a book in your hands and being transported. But I’ve found my kids can put into practice the things they’ve studied in so many different ways. By giving them Legos, blocks, pipecleaners, buttons, and a host of other ordinary things, they can build and imagine in such a diverse way. It’s one thing to read how a bridge supports weight or how people lived in castles and another to actually build a structure that stands and design your own town with everything people need to survive. But it is all learning.

I’m not strong enough. The hardest days in homeschooling are when I’m frantic, distracted with worries and anxious, and haven’t read my Bible or fixed my mind on biblical truth. Anything I try to push through and muster the strength for on my own leaves me frustrated, tired, and ready to give up. Even though we are the teacher for our children and it feels like a weight and responsibility we alone need to bear, we were never meant to do it alone. I love James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” God has promised to give us the wisdom we need to fulfill what he has called us to. We have but to ask, yet how often do we attempt to power through on our own? It’s not weakness to admit we need grace and help. It’s living in humility.

Life is about learning. Homeschooling is a humbling, growing, stretching blessing that I don’t take for granted. I’m thankful to teach my children and learn alongside them. Every year that I homeschool I find out more about God and my children and myself. It’s a unique and remarkable journey that I don’t regret.

Photo by Kimberly Farmer on Unsplash.

Why I Don't Tell My Kids They're Perfect

Before you become a parent it’s so easy to plan the way things are going to go. Great family pictures, daily memories made, everyone enjoying the same things, in bed by 8pm. The sky’s the limit when you’re dreaming about your “perfect life.”

It’s not that your ideas about parenthood and children were wrong or impossible. They just might need some tweeking. And a healthy dose of reality.

Aside from the outward plans we have for how our family looks, we also have to consider the inner. The wills, emotions, and personalities we are charged to bring up and discipline.

I’m afraid sometimes in our culture {maybe world} we expect perfection in some small doses in our children. And I’m not talking about when our children are perfectionists {see my post here about raising a perfectionist}. I’m talking about expecting our children to follow every rule, to clean up messes without being taught or told, to be naturally kind and humble and grateful. All those qualities that you appreciate in others.

Obviously I’m saying part of this with my tongue in my cheek but don’t our grand expectations sometimes amount to that? We forget that such things must be taught and modeled for our children. We look around at other kids and wonder how to get our kids to copy them. Maybe in a moment of weakness, we even ask our children why they can’t do such and such like so and so. We teach them to compare their abilities to others.

And just like comparison is dangerous for adults, it is equally dangerous for children. They might think, “I’m not as bad as him, I would never do that, I’m so much better than her.” Or conversely, they might start to believe they will never be good enough in our eyes, “My mom loves him better than me because he’s kinder, I never measure up to her.”

Although I don’t enjoy demonstrating my flaws to my kids, I also don’t shrink back from apologizing to them or admitting when I make a mistake. We have many conversations about how Jesus is the only one who lived a perfect life and while we try to follow that example, we know we will fail and should be ready to ask forgiveness when needed.

While it is very important for our kids to know we love them and listen to them and pray for them, I don’t want my children to ever think they don’t need God. I don’t want them to believe they can attain perfection or that they need to copy someone else to gain my attention. Instead, I tell them I love them, I give praise when they do a good job, and encourage them when they try something new. No matter what they choose to do in life, I want them to always know ultimately the strength and wisdom and guidance they need to succeed in anything doesn’t come from themselves, but from their Creator.

Photo by Ricardo Viana on Unsplash