One of the joys of having children is watching them grow, seeing personalities and interests and talents emerge, being able to participate in such an intimate way with someone’s life. It’s a huge responsibility but it’s also a blessing.
As my children grow older, I notice shifts happening, slowly but steadily, as they gain more independence and foster interests. For one, they become more serious. They notice the world around them in a different way and are more aware of the dangers. They don’t always laugh at the simple things anymore and it takes more to impress them.
They also are not as forthcoming with their every thought. My three children have all been early talkers and there are definitely times when the constant conversation in my home is draining. A never ending commentary takes place from the minute they wake up until they reluctantly fall asleep. Even during meals they make noise. But as my oldest daughter grows, I feel a pull to draw her into the conversation, to ask about her day or friends because she’s not always volunteering the information.
I believe communication is a vital yet often overlooked part of raising children. When my children were younger, I remember reading much literature on the benefits of reading aloud to your children. We made weekly trips to the library and I would sit everyday and read aloud our selections, pointing to each word and sounding out longer ones.
As I mentioned, my children were early talkers and had a large vocabulary. I believe part of this is because I constantly talked with my children before they could respond. I remember many grocery trips, my oldest barely big enough to sit in the cart on her own, and I would talk about what we were buying, what I would make with the ingredients, what was on our list. I received many looks for chatting it up with a five month old but I honestly believe it’s important to start talking with kids, even before they can understand.
Equally important is listening. When children think we aren’t paying attention, they will eventually stop trying. When they are telling us a story and we continue scrolling on our phones or they ask a question and we brush it off because we’re too busy, it communicates that we don’t value or care about what they are saying. Not listening communicates as much as words.
I’m at the stage of motherhood where I feel like a lot of what I communicate are the don’ts.
Don’t touch that.
Don’t draw on that.
Don’t hit.
Don’t stick out your tongue.
Don’t, don’t, don’t….
It’s exhausting and can feel very discouraging. No one wants to be remembered as the mom who didn’t say anything positive. So I’ve tried — and am still trying — to include praise, encouragement, and honest conversations in my daily life with my children. When they help, I say thank you. When they achieve something, I notice and say good work. When they are afraid, I talk about a time I was afraid and what helped me. I ask questions about their day, their interests, what excites them. When they have an idea, I try to listen. I look them in the eye. I give them my attention.
All these things add up to make them feel loved and valued and important. And that makes them want to communicate. I’m not by any means perfect at this and we haven’t hit teen years yet, but I’m encouraged by the number of times my kids will seek me out, sit down, and just start talking. They ask me questions. They tell me why they’re sad or frustrated. And we talk about it.
Don’t wait until you think your kids are listening or until they are old enough to understand. Start talking with them now! About little, mundane, ordinary things. Don’t talk with them just about big, life changing moments. Lay the foundation today for the relationship you want tomorrow.
Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash