To the Woman Fighting Comparisons

I believe no matter how realistic we are in life, at some point we will be tempted to play the comparison game.

Maybe we look at a friend who always seems to be happy and content and assume nothing challenging comes her way; hence the reason she is always happy and content. Maybe we see someone with a trim figure and assume she has great genetics or perfect discipline. We see a clean house or well behaved children or….

There are dozens of ways we compare ourselves to each other and we usually feature ourselves on the short end of the stick. We feel like we’re out of control, not normal, life is too hard, everything would be better if…. All these are dangerous words and assumptions.

Over the years I’ve had to remind myself of several different truths whenever I start dipping my toes into the ocean of comparisons.

We don’t see the whole picture

One of the dangerous things about social media is we’re constantly seeing snapshots of people’s lives without always remembering they are snapshots. They are clips; memories; brief moments of time chosen to highlight. Most people are not going to share moments disciplining children {and they probably shouldn’t!}, or washing dishes and doing laundry. They aren’t going to showcase failures and disappointments. We see the highs on social media and we tend to think those people ONLY have high moments. They ONLY go on vacation. This is simply not true. I have struggles and disappointments daily, either with myself or with others. But I prefer to show pictures of my flowers then selfies of my crying face.

We need to remember, if we are basing our information about people entirely on what they post on social media, we aren’t seeing the whole picture! If we are only seeing people in certain places or situations, we aren’t seeing the whole picture.

A season for everything

When my three kids were little, my life looked a lot different. I had two children who were terrible sleepers, didn’t nap, needed to be held all the time. During that phase of life, I got done what was necessary: I fed my family, did laundry, cleaned when I noticed dust. I didn’t have a garden, I didn’t pursue hobbies, we didn’t go out a lot. We did things with our church, which was our priority. But we didn’t do big trips, we didn’t do a lot of playdates, I said no to things.

However, as my children became more independent, older, and started sleeping better, I started having more time and coming out of the fog. I could garden without carrying three kids and all their gear outside. I could paint without a toddler wiggling in my arms and knocking my paintbrush. My kids started helping with dinner, cleaning, and doing chores. It makes a HUGE difference in what a day looks like when you have kids that need help with everything versus kids that can do for themselves.

If you are in a difficult, in-the-trenches, in a trial stage of life — because of kids or health or a work situation — don’t look to women in completely different circumstances and compare your life to theirs. Those stages are different and will look different for everyone.

Not everyone has the same capacity

I will sometimes look at everything others are able to do and feel a little envious. Go hiking for that beautiful view! Take my kids to that amazing place! Bake all the desserts! But if I’m honest, not all those things are really my favorite way to spend time. So why would I be envious? Because of the end result. Because I wish I was interested in certain things. Because I feel like I’m missing out or causing my kids to miss out on something that could be amazing.

And that’s a silly reason to compare myself to others and get bent out of shape! I am not a Type A personality. I like to sit and read for the afternoon instead of running unnecessary errands. I enjoy walking through my garden alone instead of going to every party and event. Once I realized and admitted that doing all the things really held no interest for me, it was much easier to stop comparing myself to the moms going all the places.

I don’t think we will ever outgrow the temptation to compare our lives to others. We need reminders of what’s really important and what God has called us to on a daily basis. When comparisons start to cloud your thinking, look up at what’s surrounding you and take hope that it won’t last forever, that no one’s life is perfect.

God has put you where you are. And he’s not going to leave you there alone. When I was deep in the little years, I would read the Psalms and it helped me consider how much God cares for me. I read Lam. 3 and it reminded me God is faithful and every morning is new with his mercies.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

The Weary Rejoice

Christmas hymns are some of my favorites, probably because they bring back so many memories. Violin concerts, orchestra concerts, choir performances, church programs. I can remember the arrangements, settings, hard spots on so many Christmas songs from across the years.

One of those favorites is O Holy Night. Think about these words:

Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary soul rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

The world had been broken and sinful and watching for a Savior for years, generations. Then, in a most unexpected way, God delivers on his promise in the form of a baby, bringing hope and joy. The gloriousness of that event was much more than just a new life entering the world. It was the beginning of the end, in a way. The load of the weary was going to be lifted and placed on the perfect Son of God. Born to die for our sins and offer the grace and hope we desperately needed but had no ability to make.

I think many of us are weary this year. A lot of difficult, trying, hard things have happened and we might try to muster the excitement and joy of the season but we’re struggling. We know the source of our grief isn’t going to go away or magically resolve itself. We still have next year to face, with unknown challenges to come.

But here’s the thing about hope — it’s not just for Christmas and it promises much more than solving earthly frustrations. We have salvation, we have the Holy Spirit, we have eternal peace. Our souls, weary with the cares of this world and all the brokenness of sin, can still rejoice with true joy. All because of Jesus, coming humbly to die humbly.

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

Your Work is Not in Vain

No matter what we’ve been called to in this life, no matter how much we love it or enjoy the ministry we have to others, there will be times when we wonder why. Why is it like this? Why am I trying? Or maybe we question the whats: What difference do I make? What does it matter if I pour myself into this thing I’ve been given? Another word for this could be discouragement.

I’m ashamed to admit I get discouraged easily. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time and something I’m continually working on. I’ve seen my share of times when I made an extra effort, spent time I didn’t have, waded deep with someone into hard things and it didn’t turn out how I thought. My efforts went unnoticed and unappreciated. The person I had spent hours helping went off and did the opposite of my counsel, basically walking away from me. And I thought, “Why did I try? What did all that accomplish?”

It’s easy in our finite, limited view of life to see what’s right in front of us and completely miss what might come. The immediate attracts our attention and gets noticed. But sowing seeds for the long haul? Why? We often don’t see the benefit.

A few weeks ago it was unseasonably warm where we live and I sent my two oldest kids outside for the afternoon. I soon heard them rushing inside, the flow of water in the sink, then the slam of a door as they headed out again. This happened about three times before I wandered outside to see what was going on. With pure excitement, my son informed me they had found seeds from some kind of tree, planted them, and were now diligently pouring water by the cupful onto the ground. That night he asked if he could check on his seeds the next day.

“Do you think my seedling will be above the ground tomorrow?” he asked.

I gently reminded him it takes awhile before we see a plant blooming. And that it was still a little early for anything to start sprouting outside. A few days later, a layer of snow confirmed my warning to not get his hopes up.

We might smile — as the wise, older adults we are — but our short sightedness in life is perfectly parallel to his five year old expectations. We stop praying for something because we don’t see an answer. We get discouraged when our situation is less than ideal. We give up on people that disappoint us. We decide to not put in effort when we don’t see a payoff.

But a verse that keeps coming up in conversations, readings, and posts is Romans 12:12 —

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Here we have three things that Christians are told to practice: joy, patience, and consistency. And all of these take time! We rejoice because we have hope for the future in Christ. Patience is not something that develops overnight and especially when we want to give in, we need to wait for how the Lord will work. Finally, we are called to pray (I Thess. 5:17) and we need to approach everything with the attitude that God will answer — in His time and way. Our responsibility is to be consistent in asking Him to work.

It’s easy to believe that if we don’t see results for our work immediately we don’t need to keep trying. But just as it takes time for seeds in the garden to mature, we must continue on with what we have been called to do. It might get discouraging, the process might be hard, but we are not alone in our efforts. God gives the strength and ability for everything we do and everything we do is for Him.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash.

Encouragement for the Weary

I don't know about you but I'm tired. We're less than a month away from the new year and I feel like I've been running a marathon since Dec. 1 (I'm guessing at what it feels like to run a marathon...not something I've done personally). But I don't think I'm alone in my exhaustion. I've seen record numbers of articles and posts on my Facebook feed about mothers at their wits end, workers tired of working, families passing each other in the night because of crazy schedules, and so on. We are a busy people.
We often hear people talking about the 'good old days' and how simple and easy life was back then. But I think what we really mean is we miss not having to hear and compare ourselves to everyone else's busyness. When we were just trying to get through our own lives we could handle it. But when we started seeing what everyone else was doing and making time for, our expectations for ourselves and our families hit the roof and boom! We suddenly have packed appointment calendars and dark circles under our eyes.
In case you're doubting the busyness of the 'good old days' let me remind you of a few things:
1) they made everything they used. I don't know about you but I've never made my own butter and soap and clothes while cooking without a microwave, doing laundry without a dryer, washing dishes without a dishwasher, and keeping the kids occupied without a tablet. We are spoiled on modern conveniences.
2) to talk to someone you had to visit them. I've sent probably a dozen texts today checking up with people, telling them I'm thinking about/praying for them, asking if they need anything. It's great to communicate so easily and freely. Before the surge of technology, you had to walk or drive or hitch up the horse to find out what was going on. And people did while still keeping up with everything from list one.
My point is life 'back then' was anything but easy. In many ways our ancestors worked harder than we do. So why, in a world filled with technology and machines that are supposed to make our lives more simple, do we find ourselves more exhausted than ever? I think the answer is we have forgotten how to rest and enjoy what we have. We are sucked into the mentality that because so many things are available we need to try them all.
Society tells us to have well rounded, healthy children, they need to play sports, take music lessons, get involved in community service, grab every opportunity they have to experience anything that might help them later in life. Oh and go to school and occasionally play with friends.
As women, we must excel in our careers, keep perfect homes, have some kind of hobby, raise well rounded, healthy children (and take them to everything mentioned above), be an excellent girlfriend/wife in every way, and do it all with a smile.
No wonder we're exhausted!! And, no, there's nothing wrong with any of the above. I'm love hearing my daughter play for music recitals and playing sports with my kids. I enjoy keeping my house tidy and seeing to the needs of my family. But what's my motivation in it all and am I trying to do more than God has called me to do in this season of life?
Do you know there is encouragement to be found though? We aren't alone. God is with us and He will give us the strength to get through what we need to. Of course, having unrealistic expectations for ourselves is never healthy and comparing what we are capable of with what others are able to do is a deadly game that usually ends in jealousy. However, in doing those things that we have been called to do, we can run to the Rock and find shelter from the chaos of this world. We can rest on Him and know He will hear our cries for help.
My 10 month old still does not sleep through the night. At least once - sometimes more - I’m waking up during the night to feed her and help her get back to sleep. I'm physically tired. I cry out to God to bring peace and rest to my weary heart and body and He doesn’t always answer by multiplying my sleeping hours but He does provide comfort that I am not alone. And He gives me strength to tackle what I need to get done.
I'm afraid sometimes when we are the most tired, our thoughts turn inward to self-pity and despair when those are the times we need to admit our inability to do anything but by the grace of God. Those are the times we need to lean on Him the most and find refreshment in His Word.
And so, weary friend, my challenge and encouragement to you is simple: will you, in the busyness of everyday life, lean on Him and find grace for today?

Photo by STIL on Unsplash