My Two Selves

I’m somewhat of a dichotomy. I’m fairly optimistic in my views, I look for the best in people instead of assuming the worst, and I try to keep discouragements to a minimum by reciting that “this will pass” and “I’ll be better for it.”

But I’m also a worst case scenario assumer. If my husband is late coming home, my mind thinks he must be in an accident. When my kids play, I imagine all the ways they could hurt themselves if this, that, or whatever happened. I clearly have issues.

One thing I’ve noticed about these seemingly opposite personalities is that the worst case scenario me is much more stressed, unhappy, selfish, and tired than the optimistic me. And that makes perfect sense if we stop and think about it.

Recently, when my mind started to dwell on the what ifs and unknowns of life, I took a moment to stop and think why those thoughts were consuming me when I had no basis for them. The cold hard truth was that in the moment, my trust was in something other than the Lord.

I was looking to control the situation or the people involved instead of having an attitude of surrender toward him.

If this sounds like too easy of a solution to a real life problem, let’s dig a little. We know God spoke of trust throughout the Bible and several Bible events record for us what happens when people choose to trust in someone other than themselves. But we also have familiar verses like “Casting all your care on him, for he cares for you.” (I Peter 5:7) and “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understandings.” (Proverbs 3:5)

In both of these verses we see that we are responsible to choose how we respond (cast, trust). That is the starting point. We are to stop dwelling on our problems and give them to God. If we aren't consumed with all the what ifs of life, it's much easier to not let them control us.

The next step is to focus on what we know to be true. God is love. God is all knowing. God is all powerful. When we remember Who is ultimately in control we see that we have no reason to let anxiety rule over us. We might be helpless but God….

Unfortunately I still struggle with these differing personalities. I remind myself daily of God’s goodness and might as I seek to keep the worse case scenario me at bay. Memorizing Bible verses is a great place to begin. By filling our minds with his words, we grow less dependent on our own faulty control and lean harder on God's faithful guidance.

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Lessons from My Children

I think we can all admit that being a mom is rarely what we imagine it to be. We either think it's going to be one awesome memory after another or we picture ourselves swimming in dirty laundry and sippy cups.
But being a mom has taught me more than I thought possible - about myself, my life, my God. Here are a few of my musings.

1) Kids make messes...but it's okay
When my oldest daughter was first born, her room was spotless. Toys were organized, books arranged by size and subject, stuffed animals positioned in the window seat. It stayed like that until she started getting around. Then it was chaos. The teapot was separated from the cups, the books ended up in the toy bin. Each night I would look at the room and think, "This is not what I pictured." 
By the time my son was born, I had changed by views of reality. When he's letting his imagination soar and stomping dinosaurs all over the Legos, I merely smile and shake my head. When my daughter has toys spread across the room I remember the mess my mom put up with when I was young (I had Barbies take over the living room when I was little).
I still like my things tidy (see the next point) but I'm not allowing the mess of childhood to ruin my outlook. If I don't let my kids play with their toys, why have toys? How are they learning and exploring and creating? I want my kids to view our home as their own, a safe and fun place.

2) I'm slightly OCD...but my kids don't have to be
I firmly believe in a place for everything and everything in its place. I have a set place for each pair of earrings, each necklace, my books are alphabetized by author name and in categories. I used to try to keep my whole house this way. Comfortable for me and me knowing where everything is. Kids changed that. I still keep my spaces (closet, bathroom, office, nightstand) in an order easy for me. But I'm learning to let my kids organize and arrange things in their spaces how they want. I can guide them of course but if they are always moving the craft supplies from my arrangement to a different arrangement, maybe I need to evaluate.
I don't want my kids to depend on my ways to do things so much they don't think or try things for themselves. Part of being a parent is showing by example, giving direction, and letting your kids go. It's not easy and I'm still working on not always imposing my desires on them. But as they get older, I want to give them that freedom. To be themselves and not small versions of me.

3) My house will not look like Pottery Barn...but whose house does (if we're honest)
One of the downfalls of social media is seeing the amazing homes of our friends. I've always wanted my living room to look like that!! I love that rug!! Wow, her kitchen!
Many times we don't think of ourselves as discontent - and maybe we really aren't. But once we see what a 'perfect' house other moms are able to keep up, we can start to feel like failures or that we don't measure up. I remember thinking I must be the only mom who had dishes on the counter and unswept floors. Everyone else was posting beautifully staged living spaces with perfectly fluffed pillows and seasonal appropriate decor. That's when the reality of those photos hit me. Staged. Cleaned up spaces with great light from the perfect angle when the photo was taken. Now, that doesn't mean we can't stage our pictures. But it does mean we need to realize that lived in spaces don't equal perfect spaces all the time, at least in the aesthetic sense. Enjoy the home you have. Chances are the home you're coveting has dust bunnies behind the camera.

4) Enjoy the everyday...because it'll never come again
That sounds a little fatalistic! But it's so true and having kids helped me see how much I needed to appreciate even the little things. Kids are so innocent and find joy in the simplest ways. For instance, my kids love bubblewrap. If a package arrives with a sheet of bubblewrap inside, my kids are set for the afternoon. They laugh at each pop, running through the house with their treasure. Yes, some days are overwhelming and I just want a minute of peace. But seeing the excitement my kids have for the littlest things makes me want to savor the day. Each day will have moments of frustration or discouragement, but looking for those happy times keeps me grounded and thankful.

5) My strength is small...but God's is great
Because my son has never been a fan of sleeping, I lived in a state of exhaustion for several years. There were a few times of renewal, a handful of nights with uninterrupted sleep. Then we had another baby who fights sleep as much as her brother and the cycle has continued. Many moms just say it's the season they are in and expect to be tired. But it can still be discouraging and hard, even when you know this season has to end...someday.
When I start to feel like I can't go on - when I've corrected the same problem again and again, when I clean up another spill, when the day passes and nothing gets crossed off my to-do list - I realize the grace and strength God provides us. Yes, I can't do this parenting thing on my own (or even just with my husband, who is awesome). I need Someone I can rest in. Someone mightier than me. Carving out a few minutes each day to dwell in God's Word and remember who I am compared to God is crucial. It sometimes means slipping into the bedroom while the kids eat lunch. Or letting them play on tablet so I can read my Bible uninterrupted for 20 minutes. Above all, it means not trying to parent in my own strength or wisdom.

I'm sure more lessons await me on this parenting journey. What have your kids taught you?

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Four Reasons I Love to Homeschool

It's that amazing time of year when school ends. You survived, your kids survived, it was a great year.

Regardless of your schooling method for your children there's always a sigh of relief when one grade is finished and you can take a breather before diving in again.

For some, this summer will be spent evaluating the past year and deciding if a change in schooling is right for your family. And maybe you're considering homeschool. This fall we'll be going into our third year of homeschooling and I'd like to share a few benefits I've noticed.

1. We can vacation anytime. Our state suggests doing school 180 days - which is what public schools do - but puts no qualifications on when those days should occur. So we can vacation when it's the down time for popular places. We can also take breaks for visiting family when it's convenient without playing catch up.

2. I know what my kids are learning and how they learn best. Every child is different and this year I figured out my son learns completely different than my daughter did at his age. While they both are visual, hands on learners, my daughter could do coloring and worksheets all day. My son got bored within a month of starting preschool. But he loves counting, sorting, building, and books. With that knowledge, I won't buy him preschool workbooks for K4 this year but we'll get lots of library books, work alphabet puzzles, sort shapes and colors. Also, my daughter enjoys crafting and remembers lessons better if we make something or color as review. So we'll be adding some crafts where we can to reinforce what we talk about.

3. I get to watch them learn. Teaching can be frustrating but it's also a joy when you notice the light turn on and see your children thrive. The fact that you help them reach that point makes it even sweeter. It also teaches you as the parent patience like nothing else will!

4. I get to learn things with my children. I've heard people say they could never homeschool because they don't remember grammar rules or long division, let alone be able to teach it. But the great thing is you get to learn it again as you teach your children. I don't remember anything about how my mom taught me to read or phonics rules but as my daughter and I went over the curriculum together, it slowly came back. And there are some things we've talked about that I don't think I ever learned about animals and geography.

I know homeschooling isn't for everyone. Children learn differently and thrive in different environments. But if you are considering homeschool, don't be intimidated or overwhelmed or scared. There are so many reasons to give it a try!

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When Waiting Stretches On

Waiting is something no one can avoid. No  matter who you are or how you plan, things don't always happen on our timetable. Even with all the conveniences of a 21st century world, our schedules and desires are still based on periods of waiting.

In some ways, our expectation of sudden gratification has made the periods of waiting more difficult. I've seen this in small measure with my children. We don't watch regular TV at our house and we don't subscribe to cable or satellite. When we watch something, it is from a streaming service or a DVD. I hadn't thought much about it until the Olympics were on last February.

My children had heard people talk about all the events and how it was fun to watch. One day at breakfast, my daughter asked if she could watch the ice skating. I replied we didn't have anything that evening so we should be able to watch it. She looked slightly annoyed and said, I meant watch it now. And so began a conversation about live TV events and our need to wait for them to broadcast.

That evening, after a whole day of waiting for ice skating to come on, we had to watch a variety of other sports first and a conversation on waiting continued. Once the long awaited ice skating started, there was more waiting in the form of commercials, another new concept for my kids. Those two weeks taught my kids much about waiting and patience.

While it was humorous to see their response to all that waiting, it made me realize what a change society has gone through in my generation. When we don't even need to wait for our TV shows to come on, instant gratification is daily at our door. Online shopping has made it so we don't have to wait until we have time to drive across town and look for a certain item. Fast shipping means we don't have to wait weeks for our purchase to arrive (there are exceptions to this but for the most part we don't have to wait over a week). Phones mean we don't have to wait to see someone to ask a question. Cell phones give us the ability to contact people away from their homes - we don't have to wait until they're off work.

The list could go on but we are now a society where waiting for everyday things is an inconvenience. But still we must wait to grow up, wait to hear about a job, wait for weddings and babies, wait for seasons to change. We never outgrow the waiting periods. And while time seems to move faster as we grow older, the waiting stays the same. It seems longest in times of trials and uncertainties. We wait for the answer and often the waiting stretches far longer than we want it to.

But waiting isn't a bad thing. Throughout the Psalms we read it is good to wait on the Lord (27:14; 31:24; 37:34; 130:5) and other passages mention waiting on the Lord's salvation (Lam. 3:26). With our limited, finite minds we can't see the end result of our waiting or know how long the waiting will last. We can't plan or control every aspect of our lives. No matter how we try, waiting is necessary in life.

But it's in the waiting that we come to fully trust and rely on God. When we don't wait for him to work or fulfill his promises, we are essentially telling him we don't trust him to work things out on our timetable or in our way. Abraham famously jumped ahead of God when he listened to Sarah and took Hagar to produce the son God had promised. But that's not what God had planned. God worked a miracle - allowing 90 year old Sarah to have a son.

A positive example is David. He waited years for God to fulfill his promise to make David king, even going so far as to refuse to kill Saul when he had the chance. Maybe that's why so many Psalms mention waiting; David knew first hand the difficulty of waiting but also the benefits of trusting God to work it out.

No matter what we are waiting for in our life we have the reassurance that God knows what is happening and how long the answer will take. And we can rest in his timing and his way.

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Grace. Hope. Everyday.

If you’ve seen my author Facebook page or my profile on Twitter, you might notice that the banner simply reads, “Grace. Hope. Everyday”.

One of the things I’ve learned from different author friends is the importance of a tag line. This is a few words that ‘sums up’ what you write or why you write. Besides giving readers a quick idea of what to expect from the author, it also serves to keep the author on track with his or her message.

Coming up with a tag line is more difficult than you’d think! I wrote dozens of ideas down and then filtered my current writing and stack of possible future stories through each option, looking for the perfect tag line to ‘brand’ my writing with.

Even though I write a variety of genres - I have contemporary novels, a devotional book, and a Christian living book all sitting on my hard drive - when I sat and thought about the main focus, they all came down to two words: Grace and Hope. Really, the more I thought about my writing, the more I realized the reason I write everything I do is because of grace and to give hope. And the more I looked at the world around me, I understood why these two words are so important to me.

Without God’s grace, I have nothing. And it’s this same grace that He has extended to everyone through the death of Christ on the cross. If the Creator of the universe can forgive and be gracious to me, how much more should I seek to show grace to others?

Without the hope of an eternity with God, everything I did on earth would be pointless. When life hurts, disappoints, and discourages me, I have hope for the future. Not a bland, pie in the sky hope but a promised hope from the All Knowing God Who knew me before I was born.

When people read anything I write - a post, a blog, a book (someday!) - I want them to walk away encouraged in the God we serve. I want them to see His grace can extend to the lowest of sinners. I want them to know hope for tomorrow is possible in Him. And since we are daily learning, growing, walking this Christian life, I wanted to remind readers, these aren’t one time words. We don’t get grace once. We don’t feel hope once. It’s a daily process of seeking Him, leaning on Him, and asking Him to help us. To give us Grace. Hope. Everyday.

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Instructing with Kindness

Recently I was reading in Proverbs and this short verse stood out to me. ‘Her mouth speaks wisdom, and loving instruction is on her tongue.’ (Prov. 31:26 CSB) Chapter 31 on the virtuous woman is not a new passage for me but I was reading in a different translation than I usually do and the words ‘loving instruction’ stood out to me. The English Standard Version translates it ‘the teaching of kindness.’

As a stay at home, homeschooling mom, my days are full of instructing others. My children are lower elementary age so basic facts about phonics, math, writing, and the alphabet are usual topics of teaching. We're also learning manners, how to get along and solve disputes between siblings, how to do chores. It seems as if my days are one long teaching session.

If I'm honest I would have to admit that what I teach is not always done in love or patience or kindness. Sometimes it's a frustrated nails-digging-into-my-palm kind of teaching. When I've explained the same thing 20 times and they still look doubtful. When I correct and deal with the same attitude issues and see no proof they've listened. When I struggle to not raise my voice and retreat to my room for a long cry, wondering if I'll ever arrive as a good mom.

Maybe that's why verse 26 leaped off the page at me. Because I've lived the opposite of teaching my children with loving instruction and I didn't like it.

Proverbs isn't the only guide we have for how to use our mouths. Consider what James says when he writes, ‘Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.’ (James 1:19) A few chapters later we read, ‘So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.’ (3:5) We can use words with love and kindness or in anger and selfishness. And how we speak shows others what is in our hearts. (Matt. 15:18)

So where does that put us with speaking loving instruction? Or rather we should ask what does loving instruction look like practically lived out?

To me it means having an attitude of love for who we are teaching before the teaching ever begins. If my response and attitude don't show my kids I love them, anything I say or try to teach will fall on unresponsive ears. I will look like a hypocrite - instructing them to love others and serve God while failing to do it myself.

Teaching includes a large percentage of ‘do what I do.’ And children are notorious mimics. They will copy what we do whether we tell them to or not.

When I look back on my day with my kids, I don't want to regret what I taught with my own attitude. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking I don't enjoy my time with them or I regret my decision to homeschool. I want our everyday interactions to be brimming with love.

My desire is to do all with kindness.

Whether you homeschool or not, you are primarily responsible for teaching your children the ways of the Lord. And it begins with the attitude in how we teach.

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The Comparison Trap

It's so easy to look at others and dream of having what they do. The grass is greener is a well known saying because it resonates with people so well. Even if we have a perfectly good house, family, whatever we need, it's so tempting to look at what others are doing with those same things and wish we could-

decorate our house farm style

go on amazing vacations

cook gourmet every night

afford those clothes

have time to devote to a hobby

You see, the world is full of what ifs and why not me. Especially with the arrival of social media, we see into each other's lives more and more. At least the life people want us to see. Behind those beautiful filters and perfectly staged photos, the main struggle in their life is the same thing you face: sin. There's no such thing as the perfect life this side of heaven. And Satan knows if he keeps us busy searching for the great missing part of our life, we'll also miss out on the joys God has given us where we are. If we constantly search for happiness by comparing our lot in life with what we see from others, we'll overlook what God has called us to do where we are and with what he has given.

Comparing ourselves with others doesn't just lead to a lack of gratitude in our lives. It keeps us from serving God.

Galatians 1:10 is a verse I continually remind myself of.

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. 

When we fall into the habit of comparing our life with those around us and desiring what they have instead of what God has given us, we are essentially being man pleasers. If we were completely honest, most of what we would do different in our lives is driven by a selfish motivation. We want to look good. We want to be known as talented. We want people to ask us for advice...fill in the blank.

Instead of comparing ourselves to others, we need to strive to serve God where we are and rejoice at what we have been given.

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The Lie of Limitations

Have you ever felt limited in what you can do? These reasons could be from the season you are in, what you feel your strengths are, your abilities, maybe your physical location.

I have a notebook of things I would love to do with others. Fun friend activities, lunch dates, field trips with my kids, gifts to make. But I’m limited. I’m a stay at home homeschooling mom and pastor’s wife. I have limited financial resources to spend on crafts and decor and gifts. I have limited energy and some days, I need to use all my energy on less than glamorous tasks{read laundry and cleaning bathrooms}.

What I’ve discovered in life is that everyone has limits. And they usually are not the same. But limits shouldn’t limit us. Confused? I’ll explain.

For a long time, I viewed my limits on a strictly selfish level. An “I can’t do what I want to minister to that person so I guess I can’t do anything” kind of selfish attitude. I also just looked at how I would want someone to minister to me. “I enjoy getting handwritten notes so that’s the only way I can show others I care”. Again, not a bad idea but self centered.

When we view our limits in these terms, it’s no wonder we get discouraged and give up on ministry in any way. Instead, we should ask God to show us how to serve in spite of our limits. If you can’t afford a babysitter once a week to go out to lunch with friends, maybe have your friends into your home instead of going out. If you don’t have time to send handwritten notes in the mail, shoot a text to let your friend know you are praying for her. If you don’t have time to prepare a meal for a new mom, grab a pizza and a bag of premade salad to drop off.

Sometimes serving others involves creativity and stepping out of our comfort zone. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t value or enjoyment in finding those limitations and reaching over them. We read in I Corinthians 12:4-20 that we are all part of the same body in Christ but we do not all serve the same function. The text asks us to think of a literal body. We are not made up of just ears with no ability to speak. We must perform different functions for the Christian body to work and love in unity.

How does that play out in matters of service? We are not expected or encouraged to do exactly what someone else is doing. God gave us specific talents and interests to use for Him. We do Him and the Christians around us a disservice when we limit ourselves to only serving how we think service should look. Sometimes serving another means listening and offering biblical counsel. Others might approach that same friend and meet a more physical need like providing a meal or babysitting. They all meet a need, just in different ways. I know of several ladies who use their love of shopping to bless others and give needed items to our church and families.

As we strive to help others, remember to avoid limiting your ability to serve based on what you observe others doing. Be creative! Look for ways to use your talents and interests to serve and be a blessing to others.

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