Last week was a sobering week for me. It marked two anniversaries that bring me to tears.
It was the eleventh anniversary of miscarrying our first baby and the first anniversary of my friend’s death from cancer.
Both of these losses left me grieving for a long time and in some ways, I still mourn. The losses were different but they affected me unexpectedly, continuously, and painfully, and even after the passing of time, it’s difficult to remember without crying.
Grief is an emotion that sometimes feels wrong. We might think if we mourn too deeply we aren’t trusting God or resting in his peace. We are allowing our fickle and sinful human nature to guide us. Therefore, we often brush by the grieving process and try to ‘get on with life’ without completely confronting how the loss tore us up inside.
I’m slowly coming to realize that grieving is not a sin, mourning someone is nothing to hide or forget. God gives us people and relationships and memories. They bring joy but there’s also a chance for pain. However, the pain doesn’t negate the happy times or how far God brings us in the healing process. I was talking with a friend who has also suffered loss and she wisely said, “People will tell you you’ll get over it but it’s not about getting over grief. It’s about just pressing forward, even with the grief.”
When my friend was diagnosed with cancer, it was difficult for me. She was a mom with children similar in age to my own and the gravity of this broken world became very evident as I saw her struggle and become weaker and deal with pain. We had scheduled a meet up and I was so excited to see her but that same day, quarantine fell on everyone. By the time quarantine ended, she was gone.
My miscarriage was sudden and the furthest possibility from my mind. I had crossed into that blessed second trimester, when the chance of miscarriage falls. But a series of ultrasounds confirmed my fears and suspicions. Going home from the doctor that Monday morning knowing I would be admitted to the hospital to deliver our baby the next day was crippling. I went upstairs and curled on the bed while Tommy called our parents and close friends. When we arrived at the hospital, I checked in at the Labor and Delivery door and sat to the side waiting while happy, excited, full term women filed by, their joy a stark contrast to my sorrow.
Both these experiences are things I’ll never “get over” in the sense that I’ll never forgot those moments. The passage of time doesn’t take away the pain, it doesn’t make me grieve these losses less each year. As long as I’m on this side of heaven, I will miss my friend and her sweet smile and genuine laugh. I will wonder about the baby we named Addison and mourn the memories we never made together.
However, I do not allow grief to define my memories of these people or grow so entrenched that I become bitter at what these losses denied me. In the early days, it was difficult to comprehend how life kept going for so many people while I sat in heavy memories. I felt left behind but had no desire to catch up. For me, it wasn’t about trying to get away from grieving. It was just doing what I could that day, stopping when I needed to, and allowing the tears to flow.
Probably the most comforting thing in those times was remembering I wasn’t alone. The God who walks beside me daily is also the omniscient God who knows the future. He doesn’t leave us, he knows our sorrow, he offers a peace that we can’t fully understand.
The Psalms are a great source of comfort as walk the road of grief. I repeated Psalm 23 to myself over and over. Psalm 71:1-3 reminds us we can trust in God. Psalm 121 tells of God’s help to us, how he never sleeps but keeps us. Psalm 139 speaks to the way God knows us, forms us, and is everywhere. The Bible is filled with hope we can cling to when we face sorrow. Even when people don’t know how to comfort, God does through His Word and his promise to never leave us or forsake us.
If you are experiencing grief, whether from something past or that you are currently in the midst of, I want to encourage you. Don’t be afraid to bring your sorrow before the Lord. Tell him your struggles, ask for his help, and trust him to provide your strength. Keep reading the Bible and write encouraging passages on notecards to leave throughout your home. Grief will still show itself on anniversaries and in random remembrances and it’s okay. Grief isn’t something to be overcome; it’s something we live with but don’t allow to control us. It’s another way we lean on God and trust him to carry us.
Loss and grief are difficult and in this broken world, they will never go away. But lean on the God of all comfort who knows you and loves you. There is grace and hope through him, for today and all your coming tomorrows.
Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash