Memories of Comfort

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Eight years ago last May, we lost our first baby at 15 weeks. The heart simply stopped beating. Of course there was nothing simple about the loss. My Granddaddy had died the previous January and we were all looking forward to celebrating the first baby, grandbaby, great-grandbaby. But God gave us a different path. We were not able to find out gender but we named our little one Addison Bennett (meaning ‘child of God, blessed little one’).

I don’t think about Addison everyday but when I do I can remember everything about the Monday I went to the doctor, the next day in the hospital when we said hello and goodbye. Some things time doesn’t take away. Memories are one of them.

I found the below post from my previous blog, written a week after my miscarriage. Fresh with pain - physical and emotional - these were the thoughts I took comfort in during those dark days. And I can honestly say they continue to bring me hope and comfort.

A week ago today, my husband and I were in the hospital after the birth of our baby, Addison Bennett. I was 15 weeks pregnant when the Dr. couldn't find a heartbeat on the ultrasound. Within 24 hours, I was in a hospital bed, taking medicine to induce contractions. There is nothing easy about losing a baby, in fact it was the hardest day of my life. However, especially in the trials, there are things to learn and ways to grow. A few things I've learned or been reminded of this week:

1. God is the creator of everything, even when we can't see it all. When we saw little Addison after birth, the baby was only 3 inches long. But already arms, legs, head, all the parts were there and clearly identifiable. God had been forming this little one, unseen by human eyes.

2. God is in control of everything, despite our misplaced efforts to do things our own way. Tommy and I read books, asked questions, did everything we could to protect our baby. But God had other plans and nothing any doctor did would have prevented Addison's heart from stopping.

3. God uses the hardest of times to draw us close to Him. The prayers that were said for us, the Bible verses quoted in the hospital, the messages from friends and family. Everything that happened that day pointed us to God and reminded us to draw close to Him and He would draw close to us.

4. God knows what is best for us and He will work this together for good in His time. When I see a baby or hear a friend is pregnant, I struggle to see why God took Addison. Then I remember the times we were able to witness to nurses in the hospital. I think of the people who have encouraged me the last week and the joy I've been able to share with them in return. God is already using our child for His glory.

 We are still adjusting to this change God has given us. I have laughed uncontrollably at the slightest joke then cried minutes later when I see a baby on TV. I'm obviously still learning. But God is gracious and I know He won't give up on us. His peace and comfort are the greatest encouragement and reminder that God knows what He is doing. We just need to be patient and wait on the Lord.

The Idol of Busyness

When I talk to people the number one thing I hear is ‘I'm just so busy.’ It doesn't matter what season of life they are in, people find things to do and ways to keep busy.

Being busy isn't always a bad thing. God instructs us to not be lazy and to steward the things he has given us. But what about being busy for the sake of being busy? What about having your identity grounded in how busy you are?

Do you know someone who loves to be busy? Who can't sit still or relax for a minute? These people often go out of their way to fill the small gaps of time that are unscheduled in their lives. If nothing is going on they create something. But then they fall hard. They run themselves into exhaustion.

Often the things that they do define them, they are known because of their crazy, hectic lives and they enjoy that. The hard thing is they aren't doing bad things. Usually everything that keeps them busy is good - helping others, projects to make the home nice, volunteering, fun things with their kids. We wouldn't look at any of those things and say they were a waste of time or that they were done wrong. However, even good things can take us away from better things.

Evaluating if we're too busy comes down to two things: being honest with why we need to stay busy and what our busyness is keeping us from.

Our motivation for wanting to juggle many plates could be because of several reasons. As I mentioned, maybe we find our identity in it. The problem with this is our identity as Christians should be in Christ, not things. When we realize we are doing certain things for the sake of telling others all we have going on, we have ceased to be busy for the good. We are seeking validation or recognition more than trying to honor Christ with our actions. This might be difficult to recognize or admit because, again, what we're doing is good. We need to evaluate everything through the lens of "Would God be more glorified if I wasn't doing XYZ?"

We also need to consider if we are choosing what keeps us occupied to avoid something else we should be doing. Are we so busy with 'stuff' on our calendar that we never have time to read our Bible or pray? When we do have time for Bible reading, do we choose to fill those moments with other things? In that case, we are putting something good before something better.

All in all, everything that takes the place of God has become an idol and is no longer good, even if we perform those tasks with the best of intentions. But it's difficult to realize the priority we place on busyness in our lives. It's hard to see through the good things we're doing to why we're doing them and be completely honest.

Think to the example of Jesus himself. He was healing and telling people their need for a Savior. Yet even he withdrew at times for rest and prayer. We were not created to go constantly. 

So is being busy wrong? No, as long as we check our motives and keep what God wants us to do at the center of it all. And remember our identity isn't found in what we do but in what Christ has done for us.

Photo by Jess Watters on Unsplash

Our True Home

I am very proud to be an American. Some of my ancestors came to this country before it was a country. I have ancestors who fought in every major war since the Revolutionary.

In some ways it's hard this time of year to not have my identity grounded in Americanism. For all this country's problems, difficulties, and struggles I am proud to be an American.

But being an American is not the only thing that should define me. First and foremost my purpose in this world is not to be an American. It is to follow God and glorify Him. People from every country and nation have the opportunity to accept Jesus and follow Him. It is not an exclusive American right.

We are also reminded in Hebrews that we are merely pilgrims on this world and we are to be looking for a permanent home in heaven (11:13-16). God has placed each of us where he wants us to live. No matter what pride we take in our country, it should be secondary to our love of God and our desire to be with Him forever.

On this day when we celebrate the founding of our country let us remember this is not our final home. While we sing the songs and watch the fireworks, take time to thank God for what He has given us now and look ahead to what is to come with Him.

My Two Selves

I’m somewhat of a dichotomy. I’m fairly optimistic in my views, I look for the best in people instead of assuming the worst, and I try to keep discouragements to a minimum by reciting that “this will pass” and “I’ll be better for it.”

But I’m also a worst case scenario assumer. If my husband is late coming home, my mind thinks he must be in an accident. When my kids play, I imagine all the ways they could hurt themselves if this, that, or whatever happened. I clearly have issues.

One thing I’ve noticed about these seemingly opposite personalities is that the worst case scenario me is much more stressed, unhappy, selfish, and tired than the optimistic me. And that makes perfect sense if we stop and think about it.

Recently, when my mind started to dwell on the what ifs and unknowns of life, I took a moment to stop and think why those thoughts were consuming me when I had no basis for them. The cold hard truth was that in the moment, my trust was in something other than the Lord.

I was looking to control the situation or the people involved instead of having an attitude of surrender toward him.

If this sounds like too easy of a solution to a real life problem, let’s dig a little. We know God spoke of trust throughout the Bible and several Bible events record for us what happens when people choose to trust in someone other than themselves. But we also have familiar verses like “Casting all your care on him, for he cares for you.” (I Peter 5:7) and “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understandings.” (Proverbs 3:5)

In both of these verses we see that we are responsible to choose how we respond (cast, trust). That is the starting point. We are to stop dwelling on our problems and give them to God. If we aren't consumed with all the what ifs of life, it's much easier to not let them control us.

The next step is to focus on what we know to be true. God is love. God is all knowing. God is all powerful. When we remember Who is ultimately in control we see that we have no reason to let anxiety rule over us. We might be helpless but God….

Unfortunately I still struggle with these differing personalities. I remind myself daily of God’s goodness and might as I seek to keep the worse case scenario me at bay. Memorizing Bible verses is a great place to begin. By filling our minds with his words, we grow less dependent on our own faulty control and lean harder on God's faithful guidance.

Photo by Renee Fisher on Unsplash

When Waiting Stretches On

Waiting is something no one can avoid. No  matter who you are or how you plan, things don't always happen on our timetable. Even with all the conveniences of a 21st century world, our schedules and desires are still based on periods of waiting.

In some ways, our expectation of sudden gratification has made the periods of waiting more difficult. I've seen this in small measure with my children. We don't watch regular TV at our house and we don't subscribe to cable or satellite. When we watch something, it is from a streaming service or a DVD. I hadn't thought much about it until the Olympics were on last February.

My children had heard people talk about all the events and how it was fun to watch. One day at breakfast, my daughter asked if she could watch the ice skating. I replied we didn't have anything that evening so we should be able to watch it. She looked slightly annoyed and said, I meant watch it now. And so began a conversation about live TV events and our need to wait for them to broadcast.

That evening, after a whole day of waiting for ice skating to come on, we had to watch a variety of other sports first and a conversation on waiting continued. Once the long awaited ice skating started, there was more waiting in the form of commercials, another new concept for my kids. Those two weeks taught my kids much about waiting and patience.

While it was humorous to see their response to all that waiting, it made me realize what a change society has gone through in my generation. When we don't even need to wait for our TV shows to come on, instant gratification is daily at our door. Online shopping has made it so we don't have to wait until we have time to drive across town and look for a certain item. Fast shipping means we don't have to wait weeks for our purchase to arrive (there are exceptions to this but for the most part we don't have to wait over a week). Phones mean we don't have to wait to see someone to ask a question. Cell phones give us the ability to contact people away from their homes - we don't have to wait until they're off work.

The list could go on but we are now a society where waiting for everyday things is an inconvenience. But still we must wait to grow up, wait to hear about a job, wait for weddings and babies, wait for seasons to change. We never outgrow the waiting periods. And while time seems to move faster as we grow older, the waiting stays the same. It seems longest in times of trials and uncertainties. We wait for the answer and often the waiting stretches far longer than we want it to.

But waiting isn't a bad thing. Throughout the Psalms we read it is good to wait on the Lord (27:14; 31:24; 37:34; 130:5) and other passages mention waiting on the Lord's salvation (Lam. 3:26). With our limited, finite minds we can't see the end result of our waiting or know how long the waiting will last. We can't plan or control every aspect of our lives. No matter how we try, waiting is necessary in life.

But it's in the waiting that we come to fully trust and rely on God. When we don't wait for him to work or fulfill his promises, we are essentially telling him we don't trust him to work things out on our timetable or in our way. Abraham famously jumped ahead of God when he listened to Sarah and took Hagar to produce the son God had promised. But that's not what God had planned. God worked a miracle - allowing 90 year old Sarah to have a son.

A positive example is David. He waited years for God to fulfill his promise to make David king, even going so far as to refuse to kill Saul when he had the chance. Maybe that's why so many Psalms mention waiting; David knew first hand the difficulty of waiting but also the benefits of trusting God to work it out.

No matter what we are waiting for in our life we have the reassurance that God knows what is happening and how long the answer will take. And we can rest in his timing and his way.

Photo by dawid zawila on Unsplash

The Comparison Trap

It's so easy to look at others and dream of having what they do. The grass is greener is a well known saying because it resonates with people so well. Even if we have a perfectly good house, family, whatever we need, it's so tempting to look at what others are doing with those same things and wish we could-

decorate our house farm style

go on amazing vacations

cook gourmet every night

afford those clothes

have time to devote to a hobby

You see, the world is full of what ifs and why not me. Especially with the arrival of social media, we see into each other's lives more and more. At least the life people want us to see. Behind those beautiful filters and perfectly staged photos, the main struggle in their life is the same thing you face: sin. There's no such thing as the perfect life this side of heaven. And Satan knows if he keeps us busy searching for the great missing part of our life, we'll also miss out on the joys God has given us where we are. If we constantly search for happiness by comparing our lot in life with what we see from others, we'll overlook what God has called us to do where we are and with what he has given.

Comparing ourselves with others doesn't just lead to a lack of gratitude in our lives. It keeps us from serving God.

Galatians 1:10 is a verse I continually remind myself of.

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. 

When we fall into the habit of comparing our life with those around us and desiring what they have instead of what God has given us, we are essentially being man pleasers. If we were completely honest, most of what we would do different in our lives is driven by a selfish motivation. We want to look good. We want to be known as talented. We want people to ask us for advice...fill in the blank.

Instead of comparing ourselves to others, we need to strive to serve God where we are and rejoice at what we have been given.

Photo by leonardo wong on Unsplash

The Lie of Limitations

Have you ever felt limited in what you can do? These reasons could be from the season you are in, what you feel your strengths are, your abilities, maybe your physical location.

I have a notebook of things I would love to do with others. Fun friend activities, lunch dates, field trips with my kids, gifts to make. But I’m limited. I’m a stay at home homeschooling mom and pastor’s wife. I have limited financial resources to spend on crafts and decor and gifts. I have limited energy and some days, I need to use all my energy on less than glamorous tasks{read laundry and cleaning bathrooms}.

What I’ve discovered in life is that everyone has limits. And they usually are not the same. But limits shouldn’t limit us. Confused? I’ll explain.

For a long time, I viewed my limits on a strictly selfish level. An “I can’t do what I want to minister to that person so I guess I can’t do anything” kind of selfish attitude. I also just looked at how I would want someone to minister to me. “I enjoy getting handwritten notes so that’s the only way I can show others I care”. Again, not a bad idea but self centered.

When we view our limits in these terms, it’s no wonder we get discouraged and give up on ministry in any way. Instead, we should ask God to show us how to serve in spite of our limits. If you can’t afford a babysitter once a week to go out to lunch with friends, maybe have your friends into your home instead of going out. If you don’t have time to send handwritten notes in the mail, shoot a text to let your friend know you are praying for her. If you don’t have time to prepare a meal for a new mom, grab a pizza and a bag of premade salad to drop off.

Sometimes serving others involves creativity and stepping out of our comfort zone. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t value or enjoyment in finding those limitations and reaching over them. We read in I Corinthians 12:4-20 that we are all part of the same body in Christ but we do not all serve the same function. The text asks us to think of a literal body. We are not made up of just ears with no ability to speak. We must perform different functions for the Christian body to work and love in unity.

How does that play out in matters of service? We are not expected or encouraged to do exactly what someone else is doing. God gave us specific talents and interests to use for Him. We do Him and the Christians around us a disservice when we limit ourselves to only serving how we think service should look. Sometimes serving another means listening and offering biblical counsel. Others might approach that same friend and meet a more physical need like providing a meal or babysitting. They all meet a need, just in different ways. I know of several ladies who use their love of shopping to bless others and give needed items to our church and families.

As we strive to help others, remember to avoid limiting your ability to serve based on what you observe others doing. Be creative! Look for ways to use your talents and interests to serve and be a blessing to others.

Photo by aliis sinisalu on Unsplash