October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Eight years ago last May, we lost our first baby at 15 weeks. The heart simply stopped beating. Of course there was nothing simple about the loss. My Granddaddy had died the previous January and we were all looking forward to celebrating the first baby, grandbaby, great-grandbaby. But God gave us a different path. We were not able to find out gender but we named our little one Addison Bennett (meaning ‘child of God, blessed little one’).
I don’t think about Addison everyday but when I do I can remember everything about the Monday I went to the doctor, the next day in the hospital when we said hello and goodbye. Some things time doesn’t take away. Memories are one of them.
I found the below post from my previous blog, written a week after my miscarriage. Fresh with pain - physical and emotional - these were the thoughts I took comfort in during those dark days. And I can honestly say they continue to bring me hope and comfort.
A week ago today, my husband and I were in the hospital after the birth of our baby, Addison Bennett. I was 15 weeks pregnant when the Dr. couldn't find a heartbeat on the ultrasound. Within 24 hours, I was in a hospital bed, taking medicine to induce contractions. There is nothing easy about losing a baby, in fact it was the hardest day of my life. However, especially in the trials, there are things to learn and ways to grow. A few things I've learned or been reminded of this week:
God is the creator of everything, even when we can't see it all. When we saw little Addison after birth, the baby was only 3 inches long. But already arms, legs, head, all the parts were there and clearly identifiable. God had been forming this little one, unseen by human eyes.
God is in control of everything, despite our misplaced efforts to do things our own way. Tommy and I read books, asked questions, did everything we could to protect our baby. But God had other plans and nothing any doctor did would have prevented Addison's heart from stopping.
God uses the hardest of times to draw us close to Him. The prayers that were said for us, the Bible verses quoted in the hospital, the messages from friends and family. Everything that happened that day pointed us to God and reminded us to draw close to Him and He would draw close to us.
God knows what is best for us and He will work this together for good in His time. When I see a baby or hear a friend is pregnant, I struggle to see why God took Addison. Then I remember the times we were able to witness to nurses in the hospital. I think of the people who have encouraged me the last week and the joy I've been able to share with them in return. God is already using our child for His glory.
We are still adjusting to this change God has given us. I have laughed uncontrollably at the slightest joke then cried minutes later when I see a baby on TV. I'm obviously still learning. But God is gracious and I know He won't give up on us. His peace and comfort are the greatest encouragement and reminder that God knows what He is doing. We just need to be patient and wait on the Lord.