Warning: this is a longer post! It’s also one of the more personal posts I’ve written. I don’t post this to gloat in how much I’ve been through or make people feel sorry for me. I wanted to share this as an encouragement, that even in the midst of years of hard, there is always God who loves us and knows us better than we know ourselves. Nothing is wasted or pointless. God is good.
I have a vivid memory of being about 9 years old and having my first migraine. We were at Sunday evening service and my head was pounding. It was so bad, I went into a classroom during the service and crawled under a table to escape every shred of light. I laid there, curled up, until it was time to go home.
That was the first headache memory I have but it wasn’t the last. As I got older, I started reading more and I would often get headaches so I started wearing reading glasses, which helped some.
Moving into high school, life got stressful. I started attending a private school after being homeschooled, which meant spending all day in classrooms, reading from the blackboard or projector, and carrying lots of books. My sophomore year of high school was rough. But I found great friends, settled into a routine, and life continued, including my headaches.
By the time I was in college, I was resigned to the fact that headaches were part of who I was. Nothing seemed to keep them away and getting a headache every afternoon became my normal. I would swallow a few Tylenol between classes and keep going. I became very good at doing what I needed to do, even with a pounding headache. I figured if this was my life, I wasn’t going to miss out on things. I would simply keep going over the pain until I could crash at night.
Interviewing for the school newspaper, rehearsing for and performing in a musical, presentations, speeches, concerts, church. I had headaches/migraines for it all. Granted, I wasn’t taking the best care of myself. I would have to skip lunch for class sometimes, water bottles weren’t an accessory during this time in history so I probably wasn’t drinking as much water as I should. But on the days when I was at home — when I ate three meals a day and had easy access to water — I still got headaches, just less intense. They seemed inevitable.
Years passed, I graduated from college, I got married, I started working full time. During this time, my mom read that certain preservatives can cause migraines, and it proved true for me when one Sunday, I ate honey baked ham and within the hour found myself on the couch in pain. I hoped by cutting out ham, bacon, and anything with sodium nitrate/nitrite my headaches would become manageable. It helped some, but I still spent several days each week with headaches.
At this time, I also visited a neurologist for the first time. He listened none too patiently, prescribed a rescue medicine, and that was it. When I had extreme reactions to the medicine — like passing out and breaking into hives — I decided I’d stick to Tylenol and Ibuprofen. Going to the chiropractor offered no help and I actually felt worse because I would have such throbbing migraines every time I left his office.
It seemed like I had reached the end of all I could do. I started praying for the ability to live with the pain rather than for God to take it away. I’ve always believed that God answers prayers, but not always the way we picture. Sometimes healing in this life doesn’t happen and although it was a hard truth to accept, I decided I was done trying to get away from my migraines and I would learn to manage them and see how God would sustain me.
From my mid 20s to my late 30s, I developed a routine. I learned how severe my headache could get before I really needed pain medicine. I found rubbing peppermint oil on my temples and neck dulled the throbbing. I bought a headache hat {a spandex hat with ice packs sewn in that keeps cold pressure on your temples and neck} and it became the visual cue for my family for how bad I was feeling. I took supplements, electrolytes, cut back on caffeine, and limited how long I was in direct sun when I could.
But when I turned 40, things started changing. My pain was different; it moved from my temples to my jaw and at times it hurt to chew. My bad migraines started lasting longer and I had more days of staying in bed. I would drag myself to the schoolroom, do schoolwork with the kids for a few hours, usually with headache hat on, then crawl back to bed for the afternoon and evening.
My total undoing was my kids. I would lie in bed and hear them reminding each other to be quiet. I would feel them come in and leave a mug of hot tea by the bed, give a quick hug, and rush out. We canceled playdates and delayed planned activities. When we went to the zoo or on a hike, I would come home depleted. Migraines were becoming harder to live with. They had been part of my life for three decades but as my kids got older, I hated having to step out of things and change plans because of my pain. They never said it, but I know they experienced disappointments.
I wrestled with going to a neurologist. Was it unfaithful of me to seek an answer? I thought God’s answer to my prayer for relief had come years before, but would he answer in a different way now? And I had tried so many things. Was it worth circling back and trying again, since my pain had changed? At my regular doctor’s appointment, I mentioned how my migraines were changing and she urged me to see a neurologist. The soonest appointment was six months away so I waited and prayed and continued on.
When the neurologist started asking me questions, I couldn’t keep from crying. The reality of all those years of pain, of missing out on things, of acting like everything was great while my head was swimming came pouring out. He was concerned at the frequency of my headaches and how much they were controlling my day to day life. After various tests, questions, and an MRI, we ruled out anything major and I was put on a beta blocker.
After my previous reaction to medicine, I was skeptical but I kept praying, and I had so many friends and family praying also. Our busy summer began and about two months after I started the prescription, Tommy asked, “When was the last time you took Tylenol?” I looked at him, bewildered. “I don’t remember.” I thought back and I suddenly realized I had been free of head pain. Not just bad migraines, but my daily headaches were gone! Friends at church noticed my eyes weren’t glazed over in pain all the time. My kids noticed I didn’t need to retreat to a dark room constantly.
There are still a few things that can trigger my headaches. Barometric pressure changes and fluctuating hormones are still problems but those are not constant or often, and the pain is usually controllable. For the first summer I can remember, I’ve been able to go on walks, help with VBS, and work in the garden without headaches. I get my work done and still feel well enough to run errands or play with my kids. It has been lifechanging.
Does this mean my three decades of pain was wasted? That my life wasn’t all it could have been? No, I don’t think so. As much as I wanted the pain gone and as grateful as I am to have relief now, I learned so much in the suffering. I saw God helping me when I genuinely had no physical or mental strength myself. Allowing me to still teach my kids, giving me Tommy who would come home and fix dinner when I was in bed, having my parents close to watch kids when needed. I came to the end of myself many times but God’s grace proved to be greater and his strength was evident in my weakness.
God also brought some wonderful encouragers into my life. My sister in law takes special notice of my pain levels since she suffers from migraines also, friends pray for me and send me notes of encouragement, my family provides preservative free eating options at our gatherings. I have learned we need to be in community with Christians and be honest about our struggles. If we suffer alone, we won’t have anyone who knows we need support. We will miss out on the blessing of letting others help us.
The last thing I’ve noticed is how my kids have responded. I always felt guilty that my pain was keeping them from a full childhood. Instead, I’ve seen how caring and thoughtful they can be. I remember when my youngest was a toddler, and I would lie on the floor with my eyes closed while the older siblings kept her occupied nearby. Times they’ve asked what they can get me so I don’t have to get up. Moving schoolwork onto my bed so they can read without me sitting up. When my son got a headache once, he asked, “Is this how you always feel?” and gave me a big hug.
I have no guarantee that the beta blocker is a long term solution but I’m thankful for the way it’s currently helping. I know people take it for years with positive results. For now, I praise God for the unexpected ways he answers prayers, for the grace I know he gives in whatever happens next, and for the ability to look back on how he has sustained me.
Photo by 85GB photo on Unsplash