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The Cost of Cutting Others Out
A disturbing trend has risen in society: it is okay and even encouraged to cut people out of your life. It doesn’t take much nowadays; disagree on politics or choices in life, do something a person deems “toxic” and you will probably find yourself on the outside. Family, friends, coworkers. Anyone is on the chopping block when we personal feelings are at stake.
Unfortunately, this is not just in the secular world but in the Christian sphere also. Under the guise of needing boundaries or handling a toxic environment, Christians are blocking friends, uninviting family to events, and putting space between them and whoever they choose.
Now, before you come after me and block me from your life, let’s clarify a few things.
Are there boundaries that need to be set in life? Absolutely. People have different personalities and different thresholds of comfort. I am more of an introvert and after a few hours of talking and noise and commotion, I am more than ready to be in my house with only my family. When my parents moved close to us, we had a conversation about limits and expectations for time and space. If you know what you can handle, it’s fine to communicate to those around you what those limits are and ask kindly for some grace. Setting boundaries is usually good for keeping certain relationships healthy and intact. There’s no need to completely shut someone out for the sake of a boundary.
Are there people who rub you the wrong way? Probably so. Not all personalities mesh. Everyone can’t get along with everyone else a hundred percent of the time. Even the most agreeable person needs to step back from some situations before frustration takes over. But I don’t believe there is a biblical basis for cutting these people out, just because they annoy you. They don’t have to be your best friend, you don’t have to invite them over. But saying hello and observing basic civility shouldn’t be beyond us.
Do narcissistic, toxic people exist? Definitely. We are all born sinful, and that means we all have a selfish tendency. Some people are worse than others in this regard. And of course, we shouldn’t expect nonbelievers to have the Holy Spirit’s guiding influence to convict them of selfish attitudes. However, I think we should recognize that we are all looking out for ourselves first. I also believe terms like ‘toxic’ have been thrown around a lot in the last few years and have been slapped on many things that aren’t actually bad. Simply disagreeing with someone doesn’t make them a toxic influence. Behaviors and attitudes that you don’t like don’t necessitate scorning a person and denigrating them to the point of never speaking to them.
One problem this shows is our failure to have humility to learn. We watch one reel, become an expert on XYZ, and refuse to listen to someone who has first hand experience with XYZ. The reel education we watched ourselves is more important to us than the REAL life of the person trying to tell us something. We don’t have the humility to ask questions and admit maybe the information we listened to was wrong. Maybe the person we’ve made our idol is fallible and we need to evaluate our beliefs in light of that.
Another problem in cutting people from our lives is the echo chamber it creates. Part of how we learn is by hearing different opinions, sides, and facts. We use logic and research to comb through what we hear and we decide what we are going to believe. When we delete any opposing viewpoints or even anything that rubs us the wrong way, we are losing that chance to think through an issue or topic. We are only hearing what we want to hear and if those things are lies or dangerous ideas, we have no counter measure. We have taken the conscience out of thinking and we are blindly following the opinion that strokes our ego.
Maybe you are reading this and thinking only in terms of politics, and it certainly applies. However, I was thinking about religion. The dangerous pattern I have noticed in people ‘deconstructing’ their faith is that they will only go to the opposite side for answers. They believe the way they were raised was wrong so they stop listening to those voices and only plug in the critical, opposing view. That’s not really trying to learn and discover what you believe. You are coming in with preconceived notions and following anyone who validates what you want to believe. And the people who tell you opposite get removed from your life.
When our default is to abandon the people we don’t want to listen to, we harm ourselves and, in a way, we take the people around us captive. We are communicating to others, “Agree with me or I’m out” and we’re keeping them from saying what they believe if they want to remain part of our lives. I’ve seen this happen and it’s very sad, especially in families. Parents basically forbidden from talking about certain things with their adult children because the children will freak out and block their interactions. Friends, this is not what James calls us to when he writes, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” {1:19-20}. When our anger over what people say or how they act overrides our desire to listen or be part of their lives, we need to take a minute to step back and consider the value of God’s command here.
Something we need to remember to keep in mind is that we are not the most important person in the room. Yes, we need to be mindful of what our capacity is but most of the time, annoyance we have with someone or their opinions is more about our attitude than their behavior. By listening before we react, taking time to form our reply, and keeping anger in check, we will do ourselves and others a favor.